What is HE looking for? What does it mean when your EX keeps coming back?
If you’re ready to go “all in” on learning how to stop the “on again/off again” cycles with your ex then let’s dive right in.
More often than not, what they’re looking for by doing that is validation and to get the reassurance that you need them more than they need you.
To see if they still have power over you.
Why an ex keeps coming back to you after a breakup time and time again then probably the best place to start is by fully understanding something I like to call the avoidant-anxious self-fulfilling cycle.
Reason to Play this push-pull and power game is pride and ego.
Because especially if they initiated the breakup, they initially feel a lot of relief and what I like to call 'dumpers confidence'.
This person typically requires a lot of attention and affection.
They really like to feel close to their partners, it’s not uncommon for them to want to spend every single day with them.
The core wound of them is that they have a fear of abandonment and being alone and so that’s what usually triggers his anxious behaviors in relationships.
Dumpers confidence is when they gain an insane amount of false confidence just because they have the reassurance that you still want them, that you are always available and always ready to take them back.
This is what makes them feel attractive.
So that they will view you in terms of social status, power, attractiveness, desirability, success, etc. you as below them in those aspects.
Now because they derive their self-confidence solely from the reassurance that you need them more than they need you, they will get upset, feel insecure and lose that confidence as soon as you pull away by going no contact, focus on healing and improving yourself, thrive without them, give them the breakup and accept that its over (as you‘re supposed to)
And that’s when they usually come back around.
But, again, they don’t do this out of genuine respect and love for you or because they want to solve the problems that led to the breakup.
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They only do it to prevent you from moving on, from being with someone else so that you keep chasing after them and so that they don’t lose their source for self-confidence, because they don’t know yet how to generate self-confidence on their own and without external validation.
These are some of the major reasons why they come in and out of your life.
Why chasing an ex never works.
Why the only thing that works is to walk away and mean it, to not tolerate a dynamic of unrequited love.
Because even though this way is initially more painful, at least you ensure that your ex has no chance to hurt you over and over and over again, to play such manipulative games with you, which in turn helps you process, heal and move on a lot of faster and more effectively.
They are a person that does not like a lot of emotional intimacy or vulnerability within a relationship.
They typically revert a conversation to someone else to talk about themselves to avoid the spotlight.
Often that’s how you’ll figure out if they’re persistant or not. They are afraid of having a deeper emotional connection and it all can stem from their experience in childhood.
They’ve learned that any time they are vulnerable, it can be used against them and therefore they don’t rely on other people.
To regain your self-respect and rediscover life without them.
Because they can’t distract you and can’t come in and out of your life however they please anymore.
And if it turns out that they don’t like this healthy boundary that you have set for yourself, then what this means is that they’re being controlling and mad because they can’t break your shield of standards, because they can’t play and manipulate you anymore.
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