What an honorable mess to be in!

I prepared a small draft for James Bach, my teacher, to highlight some aspects of my research. It has been a long fight between my determination-- which is all the day saying "go and do it whatever it takes, now!" and my brain-- which says "this is very complicated, I can't do it! let's check the email first!"

As I found some courage to write wrong things and fail for a while, I wrote the draft. It consisted of:

• How could the qualitative research summary look like.
• What secondary elements are also worth including.
• What philosophical assumption, paradigms of research, and theoretical frameworks should probably be done. (Yes, this is English, it took me some weeks of study to verify it is 😵)

My previous work, and the draft I prepared, aimed to build a mental model on how qualitative research elaborated "scientifically" will look like. I've pasted the following table to emphasize my point:

So he replied:

"I think the table has to be broadly and gently interpreted. Let me put it this way: although you are always making assumptions about ontology. If you feel that ontology is an area of special mystery or confusion you could choose to focus on that. You would, of course, be making assumptions about the other things, but you don't necessarily do deep research in all those other areas. This is how you are going to do this "scientifically":

1/ You will run pilot studies to explore the variables and the methods

2/ having done that you will tighten up your protocol so that you are focusing on a clearly defined research idea

3/ you will systematically collect data on that

4/ you will consider threats to validity and generality

5/ you will find a way to analyze and summarize your results in light of various alternative hypotheses

All "science" means is systematically and skeptically examining how the world works."

I commented on "you will run pilot studies to explore the variables and the methods" with "sounds like I still here "

He replied: " Yes, exactly, that'd where you are, you are learning about protocols, methods, categories, testing itself, you are developing your MIND because in qualitative research the researcher is HIMSELF an instrument."

Me: "I can see you know much more than me on this, and we can gain time by following what you already know, but I won't feel doing the right thing :("

James Bach: "You are judging yourself too soon."

Me: "It takes some time and some struggle."

James Bach: "Yes exactly, but, you don't seem to think that's the exact right thing. It IS the right thing, you try things, you struggle, and that's the correct process! Because that's how you develop your mind. You can't look at a picture of someone who is physically fit and will yourself to be that you have to exercise and develop that fitness."

I commented on "The researcher is himself an instrument" with "right, that's why I consider learning about testing and practicing it along with seeing testers in a daily basis testing, is cultivating the researcher inside me".

James Bach: "yes, your words look right, but do you believe your own words? or are you impatient?"

Me: "there is 2 me: one that is convinced and the other is worried"

James Bach: "That is a reasonable way to be."

Me: "I'm trying to manage this mess."

James Bach: "What an honorable mess to be in."

Me: "When I speak with Marius he relates this to complexity, I find relief in complexity, it tells me I'm ok."

James Bach: "I have a video that expresses how I feel when I am learning something hard and trying to use that skill at the same time."

James Bach: "As this kid is trying to move the barrel and also not fall off of it. That sums up what I feel when I am trying to learn to be a much better analyst while doing analysis at the same time. I'm halting and tentative, because I don't want to collapse as a person, but I still have to make progress in my work. He's VERY GOOD at this, but he still looks like he's almost failing the whole time."

Me: "I think he practiced a lot and fell a lot before this recording. "Failing" looks is there to stay, not to leave."

James Bach:"He must have, but even the best he can do. He must do two things: 

1. not fall

2. move forward

If he tries to go too fast, he will fall, if he just remains where he is, he won't lose anything but won't gain anything. But you can certainly extend this and say that he must have been not too afraid to fall, before now."

Me commenting on "If he tries to go too fast, he will fall" with "right!!! I need this since this is what I'm blaming myself for all the time, not going so fast."

James Bach: "So remember, you are not JUST trying to do some research, you are ALSO maintaining your integrity."

Me: "Could you explain that?"

James Bach: "Well I know people who have written books that they are embarrassed by, they don't value their own book, because they were forced to write it on a deadline that wasn't right for them, so they wrote things they don't respect. I remember reviewing the draft of a testing book and being told by the author that he agree with my criticisms but there was no time to fix the problems. He didn't have integrity. He valued "getting things done" over "achieving things worthwhile"."

Me: "That's true, I want my research to be scientific and robust, with 4 pages of references (deep inside this is how I think, I may be wrong or change my opinion later). But all that we've said doesn't end the internal fight, it just relief it to be able to continue."

James Bach: "I have spoken to several people about their Ph.D. research and most of them are not proud of it. In fact, I think only Jerry Weinberg was proud of his. ****** didn't want me to look at his thesis"

Me: "You know, in a wrinkle, I read "their" as "your", and immediately my mind produced an answer "I don't care what others think, it matters for me and for future generations ", interesting how our minds process so fast."

James Bach: "That's a good way to think, do the research that OUGHT to matter, and don't worry whether people get it. I mean... don't overly worry about that."

Me: "I want to share this short discussion in an article, I believe most of the people are struggling with this in the crisis."

James Bach: "okay go ahead"