What I learned on my honeymoon about how to be a better friend to myself!

📌 THE POINT IS: Your inner voice doesn’t have to be your worst enemy — it can be your best ally. By separating yourself from your inner chatter and reframing it through third-person self-talk, you can transform your mindset and approach life with more confidence and clarity.

On my honeymoon, I learned something unexpected — how to work with my inner voice to be a better friend to myself. Like many people, my inner voice has been a constant, mostly critical voice that typically has not been helpful. I’m sure many of you can relate to that little voice in your head that questions your abilities, stirs feelings of self-doubt, or amplifies fears of rejection. It’s something that has plagued me for most of my life and, to be honest, is still something I struggle with.

But during this trip, with the help of a fascinating book called Chatter by Ethan Kross, I began to think about my inner voice in a whole new way. The book opened my eyes to how we can shape that voice — making it work for us as a coach instead of against us.

The Impact of the Inner Voice

Your inner voice is like an internal narrator, constantly commenting on your thoughts, emotions, and experiences. For me, this narrator often questioned whether I was good enough, replayed negative experiences, and contributed to sleepless nights spent overthinking things.

Kross points out that while this internal chatter can undermine our confidence, it also has the potential to be an incredible tool for self-reflection and growth. He writes:

"Our inner voice can be our best coach or our worst critic, and how we navigate the chatter in our heads can determine whether we succeed or fail."

That resonated with me. I began to explore how I could turn my own inner critic into a coach.

Third-Person Self-Talk: The Game-Changer

One of the most effective strategies Kross introduces in his book is the idea of third-person self-talk. This involves shifting from I language (e.g., “I’m not good enough” or “I can’t do this”) to third-person language (e.g., “Matt, you’ve done this before — you’ve got this”). By addressing yourself as if you’re an outside observer, you create a mental distance that allows you to think more objectively and less emotionally. 🤯

I started addressing my inner voice directly, by name — separating myself from it. Incorporating meditation and visualization practices, I've even envisioned my inner voice as a separate person to strengthen the coach metaphor. This shift allows me to see my inner voice as a companion, rather than an adversary. I know what you're thinking: "Isn't talking to yourself a sign of insanity?" Interestingly enough, Kross confronts that notion and strongly negates it!

Now, when I feel those familiar waves of doubt or anxiety, I pause and ask this voice to work with me. Instead of letting it spiral into negativity, I invite it to offer self-coaching ideas or feedback, reframe my concerns, or help me problem-solve from a more objective viewpoint. I even stop it when I'm trying to go to sleep at night and ask it to focus on helping me drift off! And it's been a pretty effective practice!

Harnessing Your Inner Voice for Confidence

One of the surprising benefits of working with my inner voice in this way is that it has dramatically improved my confidence and problem-solving abilities. By asking my inner voice to approach challenges from an outside-in perspective, I’ve found that I can evaluate situations more dispassionately. This objectivity leads to better decision-making and gives me the confidence to tackle even the most difficult problems. I've even found that my ability to retain information over a short-term is improved when I enlist my inner voice to help (examples are remembering to do something, remembering numbers, or remembering why I walked into a room -- you know you struggle with that too! 🙃).

Speaking of helping me get to sleep at night, I also find that my inner voice can help with managing stress. By asking my inner voice to help guide me into a calmer mindset, I can take control of my mental state more efficiently. This mental reframing has been particularly useful when I feel overwhelmed or caught up in a spiral of thoughts. As Kross explains:

"The key is not to silence your inner voice but to harness it. It's about creating distance between you and your thoughts so that you can regain control over your mind."

The shift from seeing my inner voice as a source of stress to a source of support has been a major breakthrough for me. It’s something I’m still practicing, but the progress I’ve made so far has been transformational.

Leaning into Self-Coaching

By embracing third-person self-talk and reframing my inner dialogue, I’ve taken a powerful step toward building a healthier mindset. This strategy, combined with regular self-reflection, has made my inner voice a more helpful companion — and less of a critic.

It reminds me of a quote by psychologist Albert Ellis, who said:

"The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny."

I have come to realize that I do control my own thoughts and how I respond to them, and that shift has made all the difference.

Matt Brooks is a seasoned thought leader and practitioner in data and analytics; culture; product development; and transformation. View additional articles by clicking below; like them/follow him to learn more!