What I've learned in Life so far ... advice for my son leaving for College

With my older son leaving for college this week, I wanted to try to share some wisdom with him as he enters the next stage of his life. I don’t pretend to be an expert on any of it, but I believe there is much to be learned from interacting with people of various genders, ethnicities, ages, and socio-economic backgrounds from 50something countries for 40something years.  

Since it is unlikely I could capture his focused attention for 10 straight minutes, I’m writing it down. And since I’m writing it down, I decided to share it publicly in case it is helpful to anyone else ...

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Dear Connor, 

As you leave for college to start the next chapter of your life, I think one of the best ways to help you is to think about what I have learned in life so far and share the parts I wish I knew at your age. I do not claim to be an expert on any of it, but I’ve met enough people around the world in my professional and personal life to have some opinions. This is not a script to be followed, rather it is a collection of observations and ideas to be considered. I hope it helps you!

What I’ve Observed

Everyone has doubts about their futures

As a student, this is more centered around picking the right university, choosing your major, deciding where to go on foreign study, or who you will live with. As you get closer to the end of the college, there are even more questions. Will I go to grad school or start working? Will I be able to get a good job? Where do I want to live? If you pick up a partner along the way, it gets even more complicated. Do they want to be married? Where do they want to live? Do I want to be married? Do I want kids? You do not have to have it all figured out now. You need to have more experiences before you will be able to answer these questions confidently.   

Everyone has some form of family drama or trauma

You will meet people who have parents that are divorced, who had a single parent, who had step-parents, or even no parents. Some will speak about how they can’t stand their families, how they are embarrassed by their politics or religion, and they want to be as far away from them as possible. You will also meet people who have suffered losses or tragedies in their families and how they would give anything for one more day with them. You may feel our family has drama or is embarrassing to you in some way. Accept your family and love them with all their faults - they won’t be here forever.  

Everyone has insecurities about their physical appearance

Body weight, thinning hair, big ears, crooked nose, bra / jock size just to name a few. Everybody wishes they could change some part of their body. Even people that might look beautiful or “perfect” to you have some aspect of themselves that makes them self-conscious. You do not have to look a certain way. The way you look is part of what makes you you. And the way you treat people is much more important than how you look.  

Everyone needs friends 

Friends are people who lift you up and like you for who you are, not for what they wish you were or what you can do for them. Friends laugh with you and make the good times better, and support you and help you through the hard times. You have to give the same to be a good friend to someone. Your roommates, classmates, and teammates will provide lots of opportunities to make new friends. As your life evolves, you will lose some old friends and gain some new ones, and that’s ok. In this space, it is definitely quality over quantity. Make new friends who lift you up. Ditch old ones who bring you down.  

What Seems to Help

Compliment people when you can  

What could be simpler than telling someone you like their outfit or hairstyle, or praising them for an impressive accomplishment? Every time you compliment someone, you help them feel less self-conscious, more included, and more valued. Notice other people. Notice when they are taking a chance with something new and help them feel good about themselves. Notice when they are sad and need a kind word. You attract what you emit, so be nice - it’s good karma. If you make a point to do this, you will attract people who do the same, you will receive more compliments yourself, and enjoy all the same benefits.  

Try to make people laugh or smile

Parts of life are hard and serious and difficult. Laughing and smiling makes it easier. If something made you laugh or smile, it might have the same effect on someone else … so share it! Even if humor does not come easily to you, simple things like holding a door open or picking up something someone dropped can make them smile. And if you tune your mind to the right frequency, you will be amazed at how many funny things happen in a normal day. Notice them, enjoy them, and share them with others.  

Find people that make you laugh or smile and spend more time with them

Some people are mean. Some like to break bones and some like to break hearts. Learn to identify and avoid these people. Some people are awesome and inspiring. Recognize it when you meet them and make an effort to learn from them. Some people see only the negatives and spend most of their time complaining. This is draining on everyone around them. Some people see the positive in every situation. Seek them out. And some people have a way of always making you laugh. Spend the most time with them as there is nothing better than laughing uncontrollably with friends who won’t judge you for it.

Keep trying new things 

Go to a party. Attend a concert. Write a poem. Eat a salad. Take a road trip. Listen to Pop, Country, Rap, and Classical music on the same playlist. Walk a different route to class. Talk to someone that intimidates you. Volunteer for something. Dance on the dance floor. Ask a girl on a date. Sleep the other direction on your bed. Think about the things you like the most right now … what if you had never tried them? Simply, trying new things makes life more interesting and creates more opportunities to learn what makes you happy. Or as my college soccer coach used to say, “When you’re through learning, you’re through.”   

What I Wish I Learned Sooner

It is important to regularly reflect on your experiences

What’s great about wisdom is that acquiring it does not require high intelligence or special training, it simply requires that you reflect on your experiences. The more experiences you have, the greater the opportunity to learn … as long as you remember to reflect on them from time to time. So when you are trying new things, pay attention to what you like and dislike about them. This will help you make better decisions about which people in the world you choose to spend the most time with, what places in the world make you the most happy, what kind of work you pursue, and what kind of organizations you want to be associated with.

There is more than one definition of Success

Success is not about earning the best grades, getting into the most well-known schools, working at the most well-known companies, getting promoted, or making more money. Success is not about impressing other people with your accomplishments. Success is learning what makes you happy, consistently prioritizing those things, and making informed life choices based on those priorities. What’s ironic is that when you do that, it often leads to all of the other things most people associate with success.    

You are in control of your Happiness

A happy day is when there are more experiences that lift you up than bring you down. A healthy relationship is one with someone who lifts you up more than they bring you down. A happy life is one in which you regularly experience more happy days and healthy relationships than not. Remember these things aren’t “happening to you” - they are the outcomes of your choices. And you control the choices. When you know what makes you happy, it is easy to make good decisions about who you want to be friends with, what kind of job you want, where you will live, or really anything.

It is important to pay attention to your Health 

You only get one body, so treat it that way. Diet and exercise matter. Be mindful of the things you put in your body. This does not mean you have to over-focus on it, but avoid things that will cause long-term or permanent damage, and experiment with healthier substitutes for some of your most unhealthy favorites. Keep exercising - not to try to impress people at the beach, but to help your body run efficiently and do its job. It is a lot easier to maintain fitness than to try to get it back. The more attention you pay to your health, the better you will feel. And brush your teeth! (That one is from Mom.) :)

There are always multiple ways to achieve a desired outcome

Don’t worry about whether you’re doing something the “right” way or not. Experiment with different ways of doing things and notice what works well and what doesn’t. Listen when people share something that works for them and try it. If you do this enough, you can take the best parts of all of them and create your own approach. Simply, any system that works for you and helps you feel in control of your choices is a good system.  

What We Wish For You 

Your Mom and I have very simple aspirations for you. Be a good human. Find other good humans. Learn what makes you happy. Do that. Help people. Make the world better. Prioritize family. Have fun along the way.

I love you. Mom loves you. Your brother loves you (no seriously, he does). Your Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles love you. We are all proud of you, and will always be here for you.  

Let’s do this!