What Makes us Truly Self-Aware? You Might Need to Think Again
One of the hardest things in the world is trying to please other people.
Another one?
Attempting to acknowledge and recognize how often we try.
The end of the year and the beginning of the next brings a lot of expectation, perfectionism, and self-critique to most of us.
We are bombarded with messages about finding the perfect gift, preparing the perfect meal, and creating the perfect social environment.
A week later, we critically look at ourselves to determine what needs fixing and create resolutions.
This occurs at work and home. We judge ourselves as employees, parents, jobseekers, and our people skills.
Sometimes, the reasons that we make the choices that we do have more to do with ego, or giving others a certain impression. When this happens, we may be so convinced that we were right that we become angry or reactive instead of empathetic.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Perhaps if were more self-aware we could reduce the stress? As leaders and individuals, many of us contemplate this with difficult introspection.
Organizational researcher Dr. Tasha Eurich and her team conducted a meta-analysis of existing research and looked at results from 10 separate experiments (with nearly 5,000 participants) to determine what self-awareness really is, why we need it, and how to increase it.
“Even though most people believe they are self-aware, only 10-15% of the people we studied actually fit the criteria.”
The studies indicated two distinct forms of self-awareness:
𝘐𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧-𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 – how we view our values, passions, emotions, feelings, thoughts and aspirations, and impact on others. “Internal self-awareness is associated with higher job and relationship satisfaction, personal and social control, and happiness; it is negatively related to anxiety, stress, and depression.”
𝘌𝘹𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧-𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 – understanding how others view us on all of the above. “Our research shows that people who know how others see them are more skilled at showing empathy and taking others’ perspectives. For leaders who see themselves as their employees do, their employees tend to have a better relationship with them, feel more satisfied with them, and see them as more effective in general.”
In reality, we are not better at one or the other. In fact, trying to improve is not easy - but developing a balance of both can make us more aware of the effort we put in - and the discomfort we feel when things don’t work out the way we planned.
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If you are a jobseeker and anything like me, we want to know 𝙬𝙝𝙮 we weren’t right for the position or why we were not even chosen for an interview.
Personally, the 𝙬𝙝𝙮 comes up after something we have done or said. We try to puzzle out 𝙬𝙝𝙮 it fell flat or did not have the intended impact.
Rumination is a slippery downward spiral. We are feeling vulnerable and then overthinking about why we allowed ourselves to be and how we missed the mark. Ouch!
One of the most surprising findings of the research is that people who introspect are 𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧-𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘴𝘦 𝘫𝘰𝘣 𝘴𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘴𝘧𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘭-𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨!
The results showed that 𝙬𝙝𝙮 was less effective, had unconscious biases, more anxiety, and erroneous conclusions. We conjecture on why we could not please others or make a better impression. Also, it is situated on the past – a place we cannot actually get back to, but where we spend an inordinate amount of time.
Therefore, to increase productive self-insight and decrease disruptive rumination, we should ask 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩, not why.
“What” questions help us stay objective, future-focused, and empowered to act on our new insights.
Research conducted in the workplace, as well as among students, showed that when the “why” was considered, there was a great deal of rationalizing - or in some cases, outright denying. At times, it closed off greater self-awareness.
Yet, "what" questions helped the participants to be less self-critical and more open to learning for the future.
As a lifelong learner, I fully admit that the more I learn the less I know. However, there is always more to learn and discover – I will never be done. Like a growth mindset, there are always traits and knowledge to improve and we have to keep trying (even though, admittedly, it can feel very hard at times, like the job seeking process or trying to plan the perfect holiday party).
Some explorations will resonate and some won’t; but the conclusions will be authentic to me and perhaps less harsh in hindsight and assessment. Asking "what" gives more options and behaviors to consider for improvement or opportunities in the future.
#selfawareness #empathy #work #leaders #holidays #assessment #peoplepleaser #introspection #questions #thefuture #peopleskills #jobseekers #vulnerability #stress #judgement #selfaware #emotionalintelligence #perfectionism #research #happiness #people #relationships #leadership #ego #empathy #anxiety #mentalhealth #wellbeing #authentic
New York Times Best-Selling Author | Organizational Psychologist | World's #1 Self-Awareness Coach | International Keynote Speaker | Researcher
2yThank you Debra Kurtz for helping people increase their self-awareness!
Fractional Chief of Staff | Strategic Advisor | Empowering CEOs/Founders to Design Human-Centered Organizations and Achieve Personal + Performance Excellence | Open to Fractional Chief of Staff Roles
3yGreat piece Debra Kurtz and certainly a deep topic that could turn into a series. 😊 Like Andre Williams I hesitate on the external awareness block. For me personally I know who I am and what I want to accomplish. I don’t feel the need to seek opinions on that. For me, the value that I seek in others opinions is to learn about their needs. As (imo) for those we are meant to work with their is a mutual relationship I.e., my value = their needs and visa versa. So in seeking others out I seek to understand them and their needs more fully and to ultimately see if there is an awareness that I can see the value/need match up clearly and extend an invitation to collab or be of service. But awareness is a deep well and this is one insight I’ve gleaned on the topic, there are surely many more and I look forward fo learning more of them from you.
Work Strategy Coach | Career Coach | Inclusive Recruitment Specialist | Supporting neurodiverse talent across the full job cycle, from search, navigating, developing career & exit strategy. Proud ADHDer & Dyslexic
3yLove
CEO and Co-Founder at Optevo
3yA lot of food for thought in this article Debra. I have to admit I have mixed feelings about the high internal / external self-awareness. Where do we draw the line between listening to other people's opinions and perceptions of us and being overly influenced by them? It's always a tricky area. While we need to have solid core values etc we also need to not be dogmatic in the face of new evidence. While we need to be open to at least look at differing opinions, we need to not be easily swayed or pressured into morphing our core values to suit other's ideas of what we should be. I'd be interested to hear about your thoughts on that?
CEO and Co-Founder at Optevo
3yA lot of food for thought in this article Debra. I have to admit I have mixed feelings about the high internal / external self-awareness. Where do we draw the line between listening to other people's opinions and perceptions of us and being overly influenced by them? It's always a tricky area. While we need to have solid core values etc we also need to not be dogmatic in the face of new evidence. While we need to be open to at least look at differing opinions, we need to not be easily swayed or pressured into morphing our core values to suit other's ideas of what we should be. I'd be interested to hear about your thoughts on that?