What in the Name of God is Bible Math?

CNN reported Wednesday that Louisiana Governor Jeff Landry signed into law an 11th Commandment: House Bill 71 mandates that a poster-size display of the Ten Commandments with “large, easily readable font” be in every classroom at schools that receive state funding, from kindergarten through the university level.”

“If you want to respect the rule of law, you gotta start from the original law given, which was Moses. … He got his commandments from God,” Gov. Landry said. Before you get too worried, let’s keep in mind that Louisiana has the fifth-lowest literacy rate in the nation, so about a quarter of the kids won’t be able to read the commandments, even if they are presented in “large, easily readable font.”

It’s interesting to think of those students who can read, wearing their MAGA hats, looking at the words, “You shall have no other gods before Me,” “You shall not commit adultery,” and, “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.”

Can Louisiana students count to 10? Back in 2008, from the great mind of Louisiana’s former Republican Governor Bobby Jindal, tens of millions of public school funds were turned into $5,500 vouchers for parents who want to send their children to private schools. By 2015, about $40,000,000 was being diverted from public to private education, and most private education in the state is Catholic. Reportedly, a third of Louisiana’s voucher students weren’t learning much. This went through a few court challenges. Landry, in 2024, got the ball rolling again.

It turns out that just about any room with 8 chairs can be called a private school. These schools are often run by impractical, stable geniuses who hide under the label of Christianity. Rarely having windows to look through or access to a playground, the kids spend their time in these rooms watching homemade television programs to learn chemistry and math via Bible verses. Whatever that means.

As one principal tried to explain, “We try to stay away from all those things that might confuse our children.”

Almost 2,000 of the 7,300 kids in the Louisiana voucher program attend these Bible-math-type schools. Well, maybe they’ll find jobs later for a company that needs people to do long division in Roman numerals.

It’s interesting to think of those students who can read, wearing their MAGA hats, looking at the words, “You shall have no other gods before Me,” “You shall not commit adultery,” and, “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.”

Can Louisiana students count to 10? Back in 2008, from the great mind of Louisiana’s former Republican Governor Bobby Jindal, tens of millions of public school funds were turned into $5,500 vouchers for parents who want to send their children to private schools. By 2015, about $40,000,000 was being diverted from public to private education, and most private education in the state is Catholic. Reportedly, a third of Louisiana’s voucher students weren’t learning much. This went through a few court challenges. Landry, in 2024, got the ball rolling again.

It turns out that just about any room with 8 chairs can be called a private school. These schools are often run by impractical, stable geniuses who hide under the label of Christianity. Rarely having windows to look through or access to a playground, the kids spend their time in these rooms watching homemade television programs to learn chemistry and math via Bible verses. Whatever that means.

As one principal tried to explain, “We try to stay away from all those things that might confuse our children.”

Almost 2,000 of the 7,300 kids in the Louisiana voucher program attend these Bible-math-type schools. Well, maybe they’ll find jobs later for a company that needs people to do long division in Roman numerals.

The Xth commandment, by the way, states that “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.” And, Louisiana is ranked the 2nd highest in property crime across the lower XLVIII.