When Lines Get Crossed (Part I): Navigating Conflict With Your Team
Mandy Barbee Lanier, M.A.
CEO @ Palladium | We help teams grow stronger together. Author / Veteran
When lines get crossed, these can be some of the most difficult and defining moments in the life span of our relationships.
In fact, when things get heated, or we find ourselves off script with someone else *not in a good way, it often becomes a “make or break” moment in that relationship.
The good news is, both “make” AND “break” are options in this situation...
How do we get more of the former, and less of the latter?
If you want to harness the power of these moments so you and your team can get to that breaking point, and even surpass it at times, but consistently come out stronger on the other side over and over again, there are a couple of practices you want to not only model, but also methodically instill, guide, and honor in your team.
There are 4 fundamental practices to excel at conflict which can be implemented right away and will make a positive impact – no matter what the current state of health or cohesion your team is currently in – and we’re going to walk through them right now. The first is to assess.
1. Assess: What are your real ground rules for operating and communicating?
Do you allow conflict to happen? What is the standard operating procedure – key word being “operating” – when it comes to voicing dissent and sharing opinions? Is it really okay to disagree? This doesn’t come down to what you say – this goes deeper than that.
For instance, how often do hard conversations happen in your office? Is it constantly? Is it never?
Do hard conversations always flow one direction?
Do they only happen privately?
Do they only happen publicly?
Why?
These are questions it’s important to get an honest understanding of if you want to facilitate valuable conflicts rather than allow chasms to open within your team over time.
2. Plan: Do you plan for conflict?
Sometimes we don’t have conflict because we don’t recognize it’s really unavoidable and necessary. But conflict isn’t always productive, and we don’t always have time for addressing it on the spot. It’s important to count on conflict, and also plan for it.
Anticipating conflict, defining its purpose, and delineating when, where, how, and how long it will occur are not optional or nice to have – they are absolutely necessary to healthy conflict. But having clarity around these expectations is just the beginning.
The nuance that is most likely to determine what happens in plain sight versus stays hidden, and whether all feel empowered to engage in healthy debate, or only those who are the least conflict averse on your team is, How prepared are you to enforce the expectations around productive conflict?
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3. Resource: How do you materially support you team’s capacity for difficult conversations in multiple ways?
Shit happens, as the saying goes, right? Do your team members have anyone on the “sidelines” to help them integrate the interpersonal aspect of situations in a healthy way? Or are you trying to wear every single hat?
As we talk about this, I know it’s tempting to think:
What kind of team are you talking about, Mandy? I work in a professional place of business – it’s not like people are fighting all the time. How would we ever get anything done?
Here’s the thing, if conflict isn’t happening openly – which in most cases it doesn’t – it’s happening under the surface.
I’m not saying everyone experiences the effects of this. Some people on your team are surely equipped with the internal skills to navigate conflict in a healthy way.
But the reality is, most of us didn’t grow up in environments where arguments or conflicts frequently had healthy termination points. What this means is, no matter how professional we can show up at work, we rely on coping mechanisms to get through conflict that usually harm us and the group dynamic in the long term.
Arm your team with time, with information and education, and with authority.
Involve your HR Partner.
Provide individuals access to an expert at helping them deal with and resolve the real issues preventing them from not only engaging in healthy conflict, but feeling comfortable, safe, confident, and secure when they do.
In this way, you resource them to “get back into the game” quickly, every time, every day, and feel true excitement about not only showing up to work, but speaking up, sharing off-the-wall ideas, and defending those ideas with passion until the best idea is discovered collectively.
4. Remember: The outcome of conflict is not predetermined.
Even when tensions run high, or tempers run hot, in these moments we always have a myriad of choices at our disposal.
How free your team members feel to discover or exercise those choices is a function of many things that are going on for that person as a human being.
My name is Mandy, and I’m a performance coach and expert in team transformation. Business Intangibles. is a newsletter focused on helping you understand the non-physical forces in business so you can use them to your advantage.
Recognizing the underlying reasons for your team’s current levels of performance gives you full control over your collective destiny. Growth switches from arithmetic to geometric, and you become a true ally in your team members’ life success.
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8moWhen tempers run hot and tensions run high, it becomes very physical, the key is to reduce the physicality so that you can find solutions and conversations that are objective and rational. As you might recommend it is time for a bit of "awareness". Why am I so triggered? Why is my body reacting in this way? etc. Once we can get a hold of those answers we can have begin to solve. Thanks so much Mandy!