When is Today?

On a day like today in 2021, I learned that the lump that was stuck in my breast was not benign. It was cancerous. I discovered it sometime in April and had been referred to the Breast Clinic by my GP. The appointment was on 31st May 2021. I recall everything as if it was yesterday. Every year since 2021, I struggle to write between April and June. I force myself to because I know that writing is cathartic for me.

What followed after the diagnosis of breast cancer can only be described in a book. When they say that the mind remembers, it sure does because I remember everything that happened on that day. The fear, the desperation, the agony of realizing that for the very first time, I was lonely. It hurt a beauty. I wished for someone to hold my hand in that consultation room. Someone to care. To listen, to walk with me.

It occurred to me later that it was a blessing to be alone that day. I am not sure I would have handled anybody else’s emotions. I could barely handle mine! What followed was the agony of waiting for a definitive diagnosis. At the Breast clinic, they had done a biopsy. It is through this biopsy that I would wait to hear what stage of cancer it was. I had studied cancer as a topic in nursing school. I knew the higher the staging, the worse the news. I did not want any bad news. I had had enough.

That night, the night of 31st May 2021, I curled myself into a fetal position and slept on the floor. I have never cried as much as I did. I needed that cry. It was heartwarming. When I woke up to report to work, I looked into the mirror, stretched my arms, and looked at the Mepore bandage that covered my left breast where they had done a biopsy. I ripped it off and felt the tender suture that had been placed. I traced the lump again using my fingers. I looked into my face in the mirror. Swollen eyelids, bloodshot, hollow eyes. I was not crying anymore. I apologized to my breast. I am not sure what for but I told it that I was utterly sorry that it was unwell. I might have said other things but it was time to prepare to go to work.

I waited for a whole week before receiving my results from the biopsy. It was the longest week of my life. I fasted for three days bargaining with God to make it make sense to me. I was turning 30, this was my birthday week. How was breast cancer supposed to be my birthday gift? What about those dreams God had given me, who was supposed to achieve? What about the children I long to have someday? Was it all a lie? What if I die during the process, was I ready to die? Is anyone ever ready to die? I am not sure any counselor or psychologist would have had any answers for me. That is why I turned to God because growing up, my mother taught us that God listens. I wanted Him to pay attention to me. And listen He did.

“It is stage one breast cancer,” my breast oncologist surgeon said when I went back for the results a week later. I hugged him. I didn't care. I leaped out of my chair and hugged him with tears in my eyes. I was blessed to have the breast cancer clinical nurse specialist in the room as well. I hugged her too.  I was desperate to know the plan of treatment.

“In stage one, we are talking about a cure not just remission. We aim for a cure,” he declared. I was quite optimistic. Being a nurse may have worked in my favor and also against me. I knew too much and too little at the same time. I remember asking the team to not treat me like a nurse. I wanted to be considered like any other patient because I had absolutely no self-efficacy at this point. I had no self-resources to tap into and be a nurse to myself. Even if I had, I knew more about kidneys being a renal nurse myself, and little about breasts besides the fact that I loved mine intact, and without cancer!

When the date of surgery came, I thought they would chop off my breast. I expected it. I was not ready for it. But either way, I had accepted it. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that only the tumor would be removed and a few of the surrounding breast tissue. Healing was a journey I was ill-prepared for. I had to lean into my local church in Edinburgh to hold my hand. I gave up at some point after my radiotherapy and changed locations altogether. I left for London where I have been since then. I am glad I did because guess what? Edinburgh had made a critical misdiagnosis in my case. Even in the most advanced healthcare systems, mistakes occur. A mistake occurred in my case. And I am not entitled to any legal redress. I am grateful though. Because legal action would only be called for had the cancer recurred. So my dear friend, let us stay away from the courts, shall we?

I have been reflecting since my last article on LinkedIn. I have looked at the things I have done, and undone, things I have learned, and unlearned about life and myself since that last day in May 2021. I hear people saying that cancer brings revelation and an ethereal aura around a person. I do not know that. The only revelations I know were one, that no matter the stage of cancer, cancer hurts big time. For people who were diagnosed early like myself, you are left with traces of fear in your soul which you have to work hard to eliminate. It also revealed to me that I need a job that pays me sensibly enough to let me take breaks from work without worrying about my bills. Nothing otherworldly here.

Early diagnosis of breast cancer I must emphasize, is the key to treating cancer successfully. I have done a few videos on self-breast examination. I have shared a little about breast cancer on the interwebs. Breast cancer knows no bounds. You need to examine your breasts and insist on proper investigations.

Self Breast Examination

Finally and most importantly, I am happy to be alive and to know that God did it for me. I know as a Christian the next question one might ask is why does God not do the same for millions of other breast cancer patients across the world? Why does He not heal them like he healed me? What does that say about this God I talk about? Deuteronomy 29:29 says that there are things God only knows. What I know for sure is life belongs to God. So whether we live or die, we ultimately owe Him our lives.

Early diagnosis is the way to treat breast cancer

 If I told you that I am always a happy girl feeling nothing but gratitude, I would be lying to you. There are days I feel sick to my stomach with worry and as if a tap of unending Whatifs has been left running and I can’t reach it quick enough to turn it off.  There are times I have refused to make career decisions for fear of the unknown and that has robbed me of fulfillment. I had to deliberately break free. I have had to break the chains that had held me captive as a victim of my past. It has not been easy and it was not meant to be easy. I am not where I want to be but I know I am getting there.

So when is today friends? Today is 31st May 2024, a Friday, and my nephew turns thirteen. I need to call that boy and wish him a happy birthday. Thank God It’s Friday (TGIF)! Never in my whole life has that phrase felt so appropriate.