When the Victim Speaks: The Shocking Reality of Blame After Exposing Abuse

Yesterday’s headlines were filled with the story of a well-known celebrity (Liam Payne) whose ex-girlfriend (Maya Henry) released a fictional book based on real life events that detailed some of the abuse she endured during their relationship. Shortly after her revelations increased and she issued a cease-and-desist order, Liam tragically died from what is reported as a “fall” off a balcony. The circumstances remain under investigation and yet despite the ambiguity surrounding his death and his struggles with drugs and mental instability, the reactions are swift and pointed with the focus on Maya.

Maya reported that Liam’s boy band (One Direction) team tried to guilt about her book and statements even before his death in telling her that if “something happened” to him the whole world” would blame her. Unfortunately, they weren’t quite wrong. Many people are claiming that her decision to speak out about the abuse pushed him over the edge. Additionally, there are those who doubt her story and are accusing her of lying. These “internet trolls” are harassing this woman on her own and other public social media platforms. The victim, who had already suffered years of trauma, is now being publicly shamed for daring to tell her story.

This case, while high-profile, is not unique. Time and again, when an abuser is exposed especially when they face serious consequences, the victim is often vilified. This kind of backlash can have devastating effects, not only on the survivor who speaks out but also on other victims of domestic violence who watch these reactions unfold in the media.

Blaming the Victim: A Disturbing Trend

When an abuser’s actions are brought to light, society doesn’t always rally around the victim. Instead, a startling number of people turn on them. This victim-blaming mentality can manifest via public shaming, misplaced guilt, and discrediting the victim’s pain. Victims may be accused of ruining the abuser’s reputation, even when the abuse is proven. After the abuse is exposed if the abuser loses a job, loses friends, goes to jail, dies accidently, or commits suicide people frequently argue that the victim “ruined” their life or contributed to their death by revealing the abuse. At times the focus may shift away from the abuse entirely, concentrating instead on the abuser’s struggles. Empathy is directed toward the abuser, while the victim and their pain are dismissed. At times there are accusations against the victim of exaggerating or fabricating claims to harm someone who is already “troubled.”

Why Do People Blame the Victim?

1. Idealizing the Abuser

People often have difficulty reconciling a famous person’s public persona with their private reality. However, the abuser does not have to be a celebrity to be “idolized”. They can be a respected authority figure, a well-known member of the community, or someone admired by many at the job. Fans or followers don’t want to believe that their beloved “idol” could be capable of such cruelty. They’d rather direct their anger at the victim, believing that the allegations are either false or overblown. Often in an attempt to persuade the victim from not coming forward the abuser holds their fans or admirers over the victim’s head making the victim feel guilty about ruining the image and disappointing others.

2. Guilt and Grief

When an abuser commits suicide or dies under tragic circumstances, people often feel a collective sense of grief. It becomes easier to point fingers at the person who exposed the abuser’s wrongdoing, rather than acknowledge the abuser’s responsibility for their actions. This misplaced guilt often surfaces in comments like, “If she hadn’t said anything, maybe he’d still be alive.” It’s a way for the people on the outside of the situation to distance themselves from the complex emotions surrounding the abuser’s death, turning the victim into an easy scapegoat.

3. Misunderstanding Trauma and Abuse

Many people do not fully understand the dynamics of domestic abuse. They assume that if the abuse was really that bad, the victim would have left sooner or kept quiet if they feared backlash. This lack of understanding can lead to harmful judgment when the victim chooses to expose the abuser after a long silence or once the abuser has faced other challenges, like drug addiction or mental health struggles.

The Devastating Impact of Public Shaming on Victims

For victims of domestic abuse, speaking out is already an excruciatingly difficult decision. The fear of retaliation, disbelief, and judgment often keeps them silent for years. But when they finally find the courage to share their experiences, only to be met with blame and shame, the consequences can be devastating.

1. Emotional and Psychological Harm

The impact of being publicly blamed for an abuser’s downfall or death is profound. Victims may suffer from intense guilt, even though the abuser’s actions were not their responsibility. This emotional burden, layered on top of the trauma they’ve already experienced, can lead to depression and anxiety.

2. Discouraging Other Victims from Speaking Out

When victims see how others are treated for revealing their abuse—especially in high-profile cases—it can dissuade them from ever sharing their own stories. It can increase fears they may already have had about coming forward and add worry about facing the same kind of shame, backlash, and disbelief. This can be on a small level involving personal groups that the victim and abuser associate with, or it can scale much larger via social media. Although cyber-bulling is often heard in relation to younger individuals, it does occur amongst adults as well. It is very real and only amplifies victims’ fears. Platforms are often rife with victim-blaming comments, and the more high-profile the case, the more intense the scrutiny.

3. Re-Traumatizing the Survivor

Blaming the victim re-traumatizes them by forcing them to relive their experiences in a public forum where their truth is questioned and discredited. In essence, the victim is punished for trying to seek justice or healing. This can be extremely defeating to the victim and cause them take steps backward in the mental and emotional progress they have already made.

What the Numbers Say

The statistics below paint a picture of how society often responds to those who bravely expose their abusers and just how pervasive victim blaming is when it comes to domestic violence:

• 75% of domestic violence survivors report experiencing victim-blaming or negative reactions when they disclose their abuse[1]
• 55% of survivors say they’ve faced disbelief from friends, family, or the public when revealing their abuse, especially if the abuser is seen as well-liked or successful.[2]
• In cases where the abuser dies by suicide, 40% of survivors report being directly blamed for their abuser’s death.[3]
• 50% of victims do not report abuse because they fear being judged or blamed[4]

How to End Victim Blaming and Support Survivors

To stop the cycle of victim blaming, we need to change the way we think and talk about domestic violence. Here are some key steps:

1. Shift the Focus to the Abuser’s Actions: Whenever abuse is revealed, we must focus on the abuser’s actions, not the victim’s response. The responsibility for the abuse—and any tragic consequences that follow—lies with the abuser.
2. Educate the Public on Domestic Abuse: Many people blame victims because they don’t understand the complexities of domestic abuse, including why victims may not leave or speak out for years. Education on the cycle of abuse, the psychological tactics abusers use, and the long-term effect of trauma is essential to combating victim-blaming attitudes.
3. Stand with Survivors: If a survivor comes forward with their story, whether it’s someone in your life or a public figure, offer them support, not judgment. Let them know they are believed, they are not at fault, and they have your empathy.
4. Change the Narrative in the Media: The media plays a significant role in shaping public perceptions of domestic violence. When reporting on these stories, it’s crucial to avoid language that shifts blame onto the victim or sensationalizes their trauma. Instead, the focus should be on the abuser’s behavior and the courage and strength of the victim for speaking out.

Conclusion:

Blaming and shaming victims of domestic abuse after they speak out is not just cruel—it’s dangerous. It punishes survivors for seeking justice, dissuades others from telling their stories, allows abusers to evade responsibility and perpetuates a culture where abuse is minimized and excused. If we want to truly combat domestic violence, we must stop holding victims accountable for their abuser’s actions and start supporting those who bravely come forward to break the silence.

Every story matters. Every survivor deserves support. And every victim of abuse, whether they are famous or unknown, deserves to be heard without fear of judgment or blame.

[1] Campbell, J. C., & Lewandowski, L. A. (1997). "Mental and physical health effects of intimate partner violence on women and children." Violence Against Women, 3(1), 117-139

[2] Herman, Judith L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books

[3] Douglas, H., & Stark, E. (2010). "Stories from survivors: Domestic violence and suicide." International Journal of Law and Psychiatry, 33(2), 88-94.

[4] National Domestic Violence Hotline. "Why Victims Stay" Study (2015). Available at: thehotline.org