Who is talking to whom? - Patterns of interaction in alumni groups

"The primary purpose of this group is to create a safe space for the 'Free Child' in us to play!", I blurted out during an interaction in an alumni group. Later, I did some more reflection on this remark and that led to this article.

This remark was triggered by the patterns of interactions that I observed in one of the alumni groups that I am part of. Most of the people in this group had worked together for a period of 3-5 years about 20 years ago. After that, there was not much interaction among these group members, till a WhatsApp group was set up a couple of years ago.

So, the ‘shared experience’ of this group was from a period about 18-22 years ago, when most of the members in this group would have been in their twenties or early thirties. So, the current interaction is taking place when most of the members are in their forties or early fifties. Very different life stages indeed!

This can lead to a wide variety of scenarios, in terms of ‘who is talking to whom’. For example,

• the ‘younger selves’ of the members are talking to each other about their shared experience (that happened a long time ago)
• the 'current selves' of the members are taking to each other about their current situation
• the ‘younger selves’ of the members are talking to each other about their current situation
• the 'current selves' of the members are talking to each other about their ‘old’ (shared) experience

I guess, the most ‘interesting’ interactions occur when the ‘current self’ of a member 'unexpectedly' interacts with the ‘younger self’ of another member. In a way, this is similar to a ‘crossed transaction’ in Transactional Analysis (TA), because the response one gets is from a 'different self' (different 'ego state', in TA terms) of the other person as compared to what one was trying interact with. It is very much possible that different people are looking for different patterns of interaction in the alumni group. 

Since the alumni groups are created based primary on a 'shared experience that took place a long time ago', people can have varying expectations on the extent to which they want the members in the group, including themselves, to 'grow up' - in terms of the behavior/interaction in the group. If some of the members had joined the alumni group mainly to 'relive the good-old days' or to 'be their young self again', then 'growing up' might not be such an obviously correct choice for them, when it comes to their behavior in the alumni group (and this can annoy some of the other members in the group who have different expectations)!

These 'crossed transactions' can lead to rage, tears, frustration, laughter or indifference. This is also one of the most common reasons why people leave such WhatsApp groups (though they tend to come back after a while). The key factor that influences the outcome of this 'crossed transaction' is the level of trust/strength of the relationship between the members. If others join in on this interaction (from their various 'selves'), the situation can get even more 'interesting' and unpredictable!

Now, let's come back to the remark that we started this discussion with. Most of the interactions in that group were intended to be Child-Child, and, that was indeed the predominant pattern. However, once in a while, what was intended to be a Child-Child interaction got a response from the 'Parent' or 'Adult' in the other person. Often, the matter got quickly resolved by the second person also switching to the 'Child' ego state (or, somewhat infrequently, by the first person switching to the 'Adult' ego state). Sometimes, this switch doesn't happen and it can lead to an unpleasant exchange for an extended period of time. This often 'forces' the other group members to intervene to resolve the matter. Sometimes, this doesn't end peacefully and it can cause one or more of the group members to leave the group in anger or frustration.

Apart from the crossed transactions mentioned above (which is, in a way, a 'perceived violation of the psychological territory' of a group member), another important reason why people leave alumni WhatsApp groups is a 'perceived violation of their ideological territory'. As we get older, we tend to solidify our positions/ideologies in life. In a way, this is a attempt to make our life easier/ a mechanism to simplify the complexities in decision-making. If I define myself as a socialist (or as a religious person or as a liberal), I can view and respond to life from that perspective. While this simplifies decision making, it can lead to inflexibility and intolerance. So, if someone says something in the WhatsApp group, that goes against my ideology, I am likely to perceive it as a personal insult and feel compelled to respond to it or to leave the group. This is especially so since the shared experience (that would have acted as a bonding factor/integrating mechanism) is in the distant past and it is no longer strong enough/active enough to help in resolving these perceived violations of ideological territory. 

Have you come across such patterns of interaction? Any observations/comments?