Who TF Did I Hire?

If you have been on or near the interweb in the last month or so, it's likely you've heard about the TikTok viral sensation, "Who TF Did I Marry?", created by an Atlanta woman named Tareasa Johnson. In this 50-part series (yes, 50) Tareasa -- known online as Reese Teesa -- goes into detail about her experience being deceived in multiple ways by a man to whom she was married for six months after a whirlwind romance. In these 10-minute videos, she is vulnerable about all the lies her now ex-husband told that, in hindsight, seem obvious; how she let it go on for far too long; and how there were moments when she ignored her intuition and the glaring red flags. The videos have been viewed more than 400 million times (yes, 400 million) and Tareasa is now signed to the talent agency CAA. (Trust me, a TV series or Lifetime movie is probably in the works.)

While most of us can empathize with the notion of being taken for a spin by a love interest who may not have been completely, ahem, forthcoming with the truth, similar situations may also occur in the workplace. An employee you hired (or inherited) and for whom you had high hopes may eventually end up being your most troublesome team member. Their work is not up to par, they've become toxic for the team, they are insubordinate at best and antagonistic at worst, and all the stress has you rubbing your temples and wondering: "Who TF did I hire?"

As an executive coach for high-performing women leaders, I often work with clients who manage teams large and small. Inevitably, they have at least one team member who is -- for various reasons -- no longer aligned with the company's values and goals. Next thing you know you're talking PIPs and performance memos and escalations and "difficult conversations" that often stress the leader out even more than the individual at the center of the issue.

While asking yourself: "Who TF did I hire?" may be necessary for some deeper reflection, here are some other questions that can help you sort through managing a difficult employee.

1. Am I ignoring some red flags? It's one thing to give someone a second chance; it's another to make allowances for bad behavior or excuses for incompetence. Are you ignoring red flags because you don't want to admit that you've misjudged this situation or this employee? Are you worried about being liked? Are you letting it go in hopes that it will get better? Are you going out of your way to make accommodations for third and fourth chances that haven't been earned? How's that working out for you?
2. Have I said the thing I think I should not say? Of course you never want to be rude or offensive. Period. However, have you said the uncomfortable thing that perhaps you think you should not say? For example: have you been explicit in calling out bad behavior or shortcomings and bringing it to the attention of your team member? Hints don't work. Say it -- even if framed within curiosity. ("This is what I see going on and it seems to be causing an issue. Am I wrong about this? Let's talk about it.") And then share the ways that you think they need to address the issues and course correct.
3. Have I been explicit about the expectations? Does this individual have a clear understanding of what your expectations are? Not in theory; in actuality. Is there a document or list of duties that you both can look at together and say: "This is what I expect; this is what you are currently delivering"? Or, "You are currently here, and I need you here." Having something in front of you that you can point to and that this individual is in receipt of makes it easier to have conversations when expectations are not met.
4. How can I have a necessary conversation with this individual? We often hear the term "difficult conversations" which, in and of itself, can create anxiety for all parties involved. I always suggest that my coaching clients reframe the thinking around these interactions and refer to them as "necessary conversations." They are necessary for clarity, for mutual understanding, for progress, for resolution and hopefully for everyone to come out of the situation feeling as though there is a clear path forward for success -- which is what everyone ultimately wants.
5. Am I getting the support I need as a leader? Keeping clear records, speaking to your manager about the issue and, if necessary, escalating the matter to HR are all tactics that can be supportive to you as you manage your difficult employee. But what about support for you as a leader? Are you able to vulnerably share what you may be experiencing while you navigate this situation? The imposter syndrome, the self-doubt, the frustration, the anxiety -- these are all understandable emotions you may have. But if you don't have a way to process them and work through them, they may block you from doing what you need to do in order to address the issue. Enlist an executive coach who can be an empathetic and strategic partner in supporting you.Often, if you're within an organization, you can request an executive coach from your manager or HR liaison. Get the support you deserve.

Elayne Fluker is an Executive Coach for high-performing and high-profile women, who are transitioning to their next level. She also facilitates leadership development workshops and coaching programs for Fortune 500 companies and organizations, such as HP, Bain & Company and Expedia. Click here to get in touch with Elayne.

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