Why Do We Have Such an Issue With Empathy At Work?
Survey Says… There Are Problems
I heard a collective, furtive sigh go through the room of executives and my body tensed. That was decidedly not a sigh of relief or recognition, I thought.
It was most definitely a sigh of, Here we go again. I knew that for the remainder of the session, I was going to have my work cut out for me. It was early in my consulting career and I was facilitating a group learning with some senior leaders at a financial institution. In a recent employee survey, people leaders had come under fire from employees for what was diagnosed as a sweeping lack of investment in things like employee well-being and growth opportunities. Some employees qualified their poor rankings with tales of rejection or outright humiliation when they sought support from their higher-ups.
“I have been caring for my elderly mother and working overtime every night. I was burning out, feeling anxious all the time and I needed a break. When I sent my manager an email, he forwarded to our HR rep, who forwarded it to the wellness team. I never consented to have that shared, and I heard through the grapevine he said ‘Sick days are for sick people.’”
So, there was a clear issue with human-centric leadership competencies. And, as is generally the case, it starts at the top. I stood before a handful of Vice-Presidents and Senior Directors in a sweaty boardroom. It was a blizzard outside, so the heat in that room was cranked. I had just introduced the topic of “Empathetic Leadership”. I was about to dive into the school of thought when the collective sigh went through the room and I realized -
This is not the first time they have heard this, and it has not resonated with them yet.
I closed my laptop and cleared the screen. Gathering myself and looking around the room, I took stock. These are the people who had been tapped to participate in this session because they were the most engaged leaders the business had. There was an opportunity to get through here, and I needed to go straight at it.
“It seems like we might have some feelings on the topic,” I ventured and saw a few nods of assent. “OK — let’s talk about it. How do you react when I say, ‘Let’s explore empathetic leadership’?”
Our Issues with Empathy
Oh, boy. Did we open up a Pandora’s Box of feelings. I had never seen an audience so engaged. It turns out, the concept of empathy in a work environment — what it means for leaders, for workers, employees and business strategies — is very polarizing. I have a few theories as to why that is. I start off with the basic fact that empathy is subjective; in how we understand it and interact with the concept itself. It shows up differently for everyone, depending on your lived experience.
For example, I believe that if you grow up in a high-empathy home, where your parents prioritized your needs and feelings, you are more likely to be attuned to others and grasp the concept. If your needs were neglected as a child and you did not have parents who mirrored your emotions or taught you empathy through their behaviour, you will be less likely to value it. In her Masterclass, ‘On Relational Intelligence’, Esther Perel talks about listening to others and seeking new perspectives as a building block of empathy. She also approaches the idea of a ‘relational resume’ and challenges us to ponder questions like “Was the hypothetical door of my family home open or closed?”
It’s also true that in North American society (where I was conducting the session), we do not place a high premium on empathy as a strategic concept in a business environment. Popular culture has long idealized the notion that, in order to be successful and respected, you have to put aside your feelings (really, your humanity) and dedicate yourself to your company. Do whatever it takes, burn the midnight oil, jump into the rat race, etc., etc. This has always been pervasive across the gender spectrum, with a spate of ‘girlboss’ narratives springing up throughout the ’90s and ’00s, with titles like “If You Have to Cry, Go Outside!”; the implication being that if you want to be taken seriously, you must quell your emotions and never be perceived as hysterical.
Along the masculine side of the gender spectrum, we have always valued the stereotypical ‘strong man’ image of a boss. An inscrutable, fierce leader with a no-BS attitude and no time for silly things like feelings and empathy. He is relentlessly rational, cold and uncompromising (Read: He is a bully). The “Matthew Effect” was first described by sociologists in the 1960s. It describes a paradigm where the ‘winners’ come out on top at the expense of others. The rich get richer, by necessity. It’s a false paradigm, peddled to us by the people who benefit from it the most. There are many robust examples where business and societies have maximized both productivity and prosperity through non-zero sum systems. ‘Winner-take-all” stereotypes that have been firmly installed in our psyche as archetypes of ‘success’ have done a great job of warping our understanding of how humans are wired, and what type of influence and leadership most inspires meaningful productivity and a feeling of success.
Finally, we have a problem with empathy because it’s on the decline, globally. Yes, it has to do with our access to screens from a younger age, but it’s much more complex and nuanced than that. According to research conducted by Sara Konrath, PhD, an associate professor of philanthropic studies at Indiana University and director of the Interdisciplinary Program on Empathy and Altruism Research, college students self-reported that they were becoming lower in empathy over time (between the years of 1979 and 2009). Other researchers also looked at national samples of high school seniors and college freshmen and found similar results that there had been declines over time in concern for others. Babies are born with the ability to experience empathy — that feeling of recognizing and connecting with an emotion in another person. But, due to a multitude of factors, like cultural shifts, increasing pressure to be ‘successful’ in an increasingly superficial society, and rising costs of living, our ability to empathize is going down.
From the podcast, “Speaking of Psychology: The decline of empathy and the rise of narcissism, with Sara Konrath, PhD” -
“The decline in empathy is not just an excuse down on our youth and tell them that you’re not kind. It’s an opportunity for us to understand better the pressures that are on them right now and the expectations that are pushing them to really just try to achieve success. With a lot of challenges that earlier generations didn’t face, because incredibly high tuition rates that are rising very, very fast, higher than the cost of health care, for example.
We have some myth-busting to do when it comes to the role of empathy in our workplaces and what it means to integrate empathetic business practices. Organizations have latched on to so many concepts that speak to the human experience — “collaboration”, “innovation”, “growth mindset”, “inclusion” — these have all been adopted into the corporate vernacular and are used regularly in addresses by executives to describe what is at the heart of a company’s success.
But, it’s my contention that before you can collaborate, you must get curious. Before you can innovate, you must seek a deeper understanding of your end user. Before you can focus on growth, you must feel safe to explore. And, before you can be considered inclusive, you must provide a space for everyone’s acquired and inherent diversity.
All of that begins with empathy.
Stay tuned for Part 2: Empathy Mythbusting.
Corporate Wellness Specialist| I help companies with 50+ employees recognize and combat workplace burnout, stress, and anxiety, increasing productivity and profit. Healthy Employees = Healthy Profits!
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