Why Embracing Mixed Emotions Supports Complexity Leadership

In my last article I discussed the development of complexity leadership – the social process that enables individuals to work through complex challenges together. I described how we can increase our capacity to understand and respond to complexity by developing a paradox mindset. Adopting a paradox mindset means reframing issues from “either/or” to “both/and,” and embracing seemingly contradictory ideas to find creative solutions. For example, considering how the team can both maintain structure to stay organized and retain flexibility to adapt to changing circumstances.

In addition to supporting us in thinking through the complexity that surrounds us, paradox mindset is valuable for processing the complexity within us, including our emotions. Viewing emotional experiences through a paradox mindset lens is about holding space for conflicting emotions to coexist. It means resisting the temptation to reduce our experience to one emotion or the other.

For example, recognizing that we can feel:

• Both anxiety about an uncertain future and curiosity about what will happen next (e.g., after hearing the news about a planned organizational change)
• Both gratitude for what we have and grief over what we have lost (e.g., when accepting a job offer after being laid off from a previous position)
• Both pride about reaching a goal and regret about mistakes we made along the way (e.g., after successfully delivering a presentation and remembering the way we snapped at colleague while under stress to prepare for it)

Why is this important?

1. Meaning and purpose

Emotions are part of the human experience. When we allow ourselves to experience the fullness of our emotions, we give ourselves the gift of a richer, more meaningful life. Significant transitions like a graduation, career change, birth of a child, or move to a new place are likely to stir up a swirl of emotions. We may have both fear and hope about what lies ahead – mixed with both satisfaction and loss about what is being left behind (e.g., quality time with friends and colleagues, a rewarding position, favorite local spots).

Research suggests that embracing mixed emotions in these moments contributes to a deeper sense of purpose. For example, in one study University students who reported having more mixed emotions about their upcoming graduation (e.g., happy and sad) were more likely to agree with statements like "I can say that I’ve found my purpose in life."

An explanation for this effect is that mixed emotions motivate us to explore the causes so we can better understand why we feel as we do. A puzzle forms in our minds that we can't resist trying to piece together. In the case of the University students, the rationale for feeling both happy and sad was likely the recognition that University life was coming to an end, while a new chapter was just beginning. They may have further considered what they will miss about their University experience, and what they are looking forward to doing next.

As we pause to reflect on both the positive and negative aspects, our life experiences become more meaningful to us and our goals may be clarified in the process. Thus, embracing mixed emotions can help us to more fully appreciate the nuances of our past experiences and future wishes. The likely result is a more meaning-filled, purpose-driven existence, which is its own reward. A strong internal source of energy and direction may be especially beneficial in the context of complexity, where it's easy to get lost in the shuffle of fast-moving change.

2. Learning and decision-making

Pausing to reflect on the triggers of mixed emotions can also support learning and decision-making. As we go about our daily routines, our brains are constantly processing information, and much of that information processing is happening on a subconscious level. Research suggests that our “gut feelings” are messages from our bodies about our subconscious thought processes. The ability to read and interpret our bodily sensations (e.g., changes in heart rate, breathing, or digestion, sweating, throat tightening) is called interoception.

One fascinating study on financial traders in London found a link between interoceptive ability and financial returns. The traders who were able to use changes in their heart rate to guide their investment decisions achieved higher returns. They used their heart rates as signals that they must have heard or read something that suggests investment in a given security will be profitable, even if they can’t exactly remember why or how they know it’s an attractive investment.

In addition to opportunity recognition, studies suggest that emotions can facilitate threat detection and creativity. When dealing with complex challenges, ambiguity is high and novel solutions may be needed to adapt. Therefore, the potential to boost creative problem-solving, as well as opportunity and threat spotting, is highly valuable.

Research indicates that our emotions can also give us clues about other people's emotions and perspectives. We are social creatures and our emotions are contagious. Our "vibes" (e.g., stress, joy) spread to the people around us. We can make use of this phenomenon to be more empathetic toward each other, and to determine what might be helpful for both the individual and for the collective. In this way, our emotional reactions can support the high quality collaboration needed for complexity leadership.

Every emotion has something to teach us that can inform our decisions. As Emotional Agility author Susan David, Ph.D. says, we can tune into that wisdom by asking ourselves “WTF?” (“What’s the Function?”) when we notice an emotion: What is this emotion telling me about what is happening out there (in my environment)? And what is it telling me about what is happening in here (in my mind and body)?

Our emotional reactions may feel like whispers – a quiet knowing about the right course of action, such as which investment to make, where to move, or which job to accept. Other times the action urge is much stronger, and our emotions feel more like screams than whispers. Thus, our emotions vary in terms of intensity, as well as valence (i.e., positive versus negative).

Many contexts have an explicitly stated or silently understood preference for positive emotions, which can lead us to feel ashamed of having negative emotions. Consequently, we may be tempted to minimize or deny their existence altogether, but this is a mistake. For one thing, it probably won't work. Simply telling ourselves not to feel a negative emotion is unlikely to make it go away. Instead, the emotion may intensify and linger until we acknowledge and deal with it. For another thing, negative emotions are some of our most important teachers. Threat detection is an example of how negative emotions like fear can be functional for understanding our surroundings so we can respond accordingly.

Negative emotions can also help us to better understand ourselves. Instead of dismissing hard feelings like anger, loss, envy, anxiety, or regret, we can learn from these emotions by exploring questions like:

• What need of mine feels dismissed (e.g., need for belonging, respect)? And what can I do or ask for to satisfy that need? (anger)
• What aspects of that situation, person, or relationship did I appreciate? And what does that say about what I want now? (loss)
• What about that person’s life do I wish for? And what can I do to create more of that in my own life? (envy)
• What is at stake here that matters to me? And how can I best prepare for the outcome I want? (anxiety)
• What value of mine have I failed to live up to? And what can I do to remedy the situation and to live my values going forward? (regret)

By providing insight into the inner workings of our subconscious minds and steering our attention toward what matters most – including values, needs, and goals – our emotions can support us in navigating complexity. Importantly, this does not mean that we should mindlessly follow our emotions.

A word of caution: not everything our emotions tell us is helpful, and the emotion-driven mind is prone to oversimplifications, exaggerations, and other inaccuracies. For example, my sadness may be saying "no one likes me" or my hopelessness may be saying "I'll never be able to learn or improve that skill."

Thus, in addition to values, needs, and goals, our emotions may reveal limiting beliefs and assumptions. Psychology research tells us that learning to recognize and challenge these kinds of thoughts is important for motivation and well-being. However, we can't do that if we aren't even aware of the thoughts, so though it may not be advisable to heed their marching orders, we are better off aware of their existence so we can learn more helpful reactions to our emotional triggers.

Thoughtful reflection is an essential bridge between emotional reaction and intentional action. The invitation is to view all emotions and the messages they reveal not as "truths" or commands – but rather, as a source of information to consider in our decision-making processes. As Susan David also says, “emotions are data, not directives,” which brings us to a third benefit.

3. Freedom of choice

When we embrace our emotions as information that can support our capacity to understand and respond to complexity, we free ourselves from being controlled by our emotional impulses. We don’t have to scream just because we feel angry, or hold back from pursuing our goals just because we feel afraid.

As the popular quote goes, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

We can’t control everything that happens in the world around us, and accepting that reality is necessary in complex contexts, where outcomes cannot neither be predicted nor guaranteed with 100% certainty. We may also lack control over the initial emotional impulse (e.g., the increased heart rate, the urge to shout or run away). But again, we don't have to be subject to those demands. Instead, we can make a conscious choice about what to do next, and emotions can support us in doing so by increasing awareness of ourselves and our environment.

In conclusion, we increase our capacity to understand and respond to complexity when we dare to engage with the full spectrum of human emotion. Both positive and negative emotions can be leveraged to determine what is wanted and needed from us in the situation, and what we want and need for ourselves. Through thoughtful reflection, we can arrive at a response that honors both sets of considerations.

Tips for embracing mixed emotions:

• Take a deep breath to settle your nervous system
• Name all emotions you notice yourself feeling with as much specificity as possible (recommended resources include emotion lists from Susan David and Brené Brown)
• Use the language “I feel…” rather than “I am…” to remind yourself that you are not defined by your emotions, nor are you subject to their demands  
• Practice self-compassion by normalizing negative emotions like fear, anger, and envy, remembering that experiencing these emotions is part of being human
• Engage with the emotions mindfully by accepting their presence without judgement, observing them from a safe distance, and getting curious about what could be underneath, like an outdoor explorer turning over a rock
• Reflect on what your emotions might be trying to tell you about the situation (i.e., the external event that triggered the emotion) and about yourself, including what you want, need, and value in life
• Consider that information alongside the other data you have and make a conscious choice about what to do next based on: (a) what the situation and other people involved need from you and (b) who you want to be / how you want to show up
• Note down any limiting beliefs and assumptions and make a plan to challenge them – on your own and if needed, with the support of a coach, psychologist, or mental health professional

Now I am curious to hear from you:

What emotion is most challenging for you to embrace?

How might you benefit from embracing this emotion in the future?

Let me know in the comments!

😊

References:

Berrios, R. (2019). What is complex/emotional about emotional complexity? Frontiers in Psychology, 10, 1606.

Berrios, R., Totterdell, P., & Kellett, S. (2018). When feeling mixed can be meaningful: The relation between mixed emotions and eudaimonic well-being. Journal of Happiness Studies, 19, 841-861.

David, S. (2016). Emotional agility: Get unstuck, embrace change, and thrive in work and life. Penguin.

Kandasamy, N., Garfinkel, S. N., Page, L., Hardy, B., Critchley, H. D., Gurnell, M., & Coates, J. M. (2016). Interoceptive ability predicts survival on a London trading floor. Scientific Reports, 6, 1-7.

Locke, E. A. (2012). Attain emotional control by understanding what emotions are. In Handbook of Principles of Organizational Behavior: Indispensable Knowledge for Evidence‐Based Management, 143-159.

Lord, R. G., Hannah, S. T., & Jennings, P. L. (2011). A framework for understanding leadership and individual requisite complexity. Organizational Psychology Review, 1, 104-127.

Miron-Spektor, E., Ingram, A., Keller, J., Smith, W. K., & Lewis, M. W. (2018). Microfoundations of organizational paradox: The problem is how we think about the problem. Academy of Management Journal, 61, 26-45.

Neff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2, 85-101.

Tee, E. Y. (2015). The emotional link: Leadership and the role of implicit and explicit emotional contagion processes across multiple organizational levels. The Leadership Quarterly, 26, 654-670.