Why having great values can ruin your negotiation, and what to do about it

A giving nature is a good thing, but it can ruin your negotiations, as the organizational psychologist Adam Grant* points out in the following story:

A young manager - a 'giver' - was not able to negotiate a fair salary until he had reflected on the question: "For whom?"

The answer is so ridiculously simple, I'll withhold it for a moment, to remind you that we are easily tricked into thinking that at the negotiating table, it's just yourself and your counterpart. Two people sitting in a room, working out a deal.

Of course, in more complex negotiations, there are more than two people involved, but still: we're easily tricked into thinking it's just about the people in the room. It's not.

And one simple trick helped this manager - the 'giver', who because of his personality trait had difficulties asking for a higher salary - negotiate the best salary ever, an increase of $70,000 per year over his previous salary!

The trick: He imagined his wife and two young children in the room with him, asking him, at the bargaining table with his future employer, to take more so that he may give more to them.

Having a giving nature is one of the most obvious and most well-researched traits that keeps some negotiators from achieving fair deals.

But the effects of our mindset on a negotiation are a true minefield, once you get into it. And as the example above shows, even seemingly positive convictions can have devastating effects. Imagine working - for years! - at $70,000 below your market value.

Another positive conviction that's quite common amongst tech developers is that their technology can change the world for the better. Which is a great conviction to have, because without that conviction, many of these developers would not have overcome all the hurdles along their path to developing, prototyping and bringing to market a great new technology.

But alongside that conviction (that "I'm doing good for the world"), some people develop a new-versus-old-tech dichotomy that spills over into their relationships with potential clients, who may still be using older technologies and are thinking about switching to newer ones.

In its most extreme form, this conviction leads to a self-image that pits the new tech "savior" against the old tech "sinner". For example, in the transport industry: e-mobility versus gas guzzlers.

But unsurprisingly, most powerful CEOs don't respond graciously to being painted into a corner as "the bad guy". Especially when they're just in the process of trying to make a change with a positive impact. So, this savior-sinner dichotomy can lead to devastating effects in negotiations.

What makes it even more problematic, is that it need not be an outspoken attitude. Considering the direct and often intense way that we connect in a business negotiation, it's no wonder that your counterpart can sense your mindset in the same way that they can read an emotion on your face.

And research shows that we all have these well-meant beliefs and convictions that throw our negotiations off track. They may be very different from the above two examples - after all, each person's beliefs and convictions are very individual -but they're there. In need, in you, in everybody.

That's why truly great negotiators know their mindset-minefield just as well as they know their BATNA, their interests & conditional requests, their MESOs, their limits, the business & motivations of their counterpart, etc.

So, honestly now, assuming that answering your deepest, most personal why and discovering the risks that your mindset may create in a negotiation is one of the most vital steps that you can take towards getting the best deal possible, why do so many people hesitate to include this step in the preparations for a negotiation?

Very simple: Because, like a kid asking "But why?" 50 times in a row, it's a bit of a pain in the neck.

The difference: a little child will keep asking "But why?" about a million different things. Bunnies, trees, the sun ... its thirst for knowledge is insatiable.

You have to go down the rabbit hole to clarify the risks of your mindset-minefield only once.

Then you can use that knowledge for all upcoming negotiations in the next decade or two, or three, as the case may be. It's a no-brainer, an investment now that will serve you until the end of your negotiating days.

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This article starts with the question "For whom?" - if you want to learn more about what questions you can ask to evaluate your values, your hidden convictions and your mindset, read on here.  

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*told in my words here