Why it's good to talk... Alfie!

I read so many posts and articles these days about male suicide and how things get tough for us men aged 45 - 50...It's actually upsetting.

Some of them are good btw, however, there's got to be something triggering male brains to make us feel the only option available is to end it all...surely there's an alternative!?

I'm not a psychologist coincidently, so please don't take my spin on this as gospel. This is just my take and an opinion from someone in the trenches, as a man in his *cough* late forties. However, I'm going to try and be honest about feelings men might have, which could be the ingredients of why we’re feeling low and moreover, adding to extreme levels of sadness and depression.

 So, here goes…

I think a real pain point for men in their late 40's is the pressure we're placing on ourselves to be happy. In today's world (something a lot of us are trying to understand), we're constantly being reminded of how we should live and what happiness looks like.

 Adverts showing guys with the perfect wife, kids, car, holidays, house, social life, physique and career etc...which leaves us questioning, why aren't we in this position?

 Oh, you know who I mean...this guy -

When in reality we might look more like -

One looking footloose & fancy-free where the other looks like a hyper performer, but a little stressed.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying either is wrong or right. Both might tick that box in our life aspiration... and I get the debate offering benefits of the family man vs the single chap - The Change up with Ryan Reynolds discussing this very topic

However... no matter what happens in our lives, the choices we make or lanes we've moved into we're sometimes asking -

• "am I satisfied?"

or

• "am I content?"

Both chaps in these pictures could be envious of each other. The single go-getter with all the freedom perhaps worried about being TOO single vs the family man feeling he needs more freedom and sometimes dreaming of a time where he can jump in his shiny sports car and drive off into the sunset!

We might also question the decisions we've made and blame ourselves for not reaching our potential and, do we even ask did we actually know what that potential is? There are so many questions around this too and lots of people to blame right... Such as:

Did we do well enough in school?

Did that girl who we loved ditch us for the male equivalent of Jolene? ( and before you start, I'm not a Dolly Parton fan... Islands in the Stream with Kenny Rodgers was a TUNE though - light humour added for free!)

 Did we not get that promotion?

There are loads. Wow…are we complicated animals or what?!

We then feel this need sometimes to ‘keep up with the Jones's (luckily something I've never had) or start to ask, “are we in the right job?”, “with the right partner”, “is contentment achievable for me?” or, “do we need to do something more meaningful in life?”...

... and then do we ask ourselves (in the words of Alfie) "what's it all about, know what I mean?"

A perfectly good question.

And okay, I've maybe monologued a bit there, but that’s because the solution isn't easy to find. However, what we can and must do is review our lives in the same way we get performance evaluations at work and look for changes to improve the things that are making us unhappy!

I mean look lads, we do it in the workplace. If I'm not performing my boss (if he's a good one) will take me aside and set specific tasks we both agree on which help my performance, lift me up and get me back to a good place... Btw, if you hate your job that's never really gonna happen!

I mean we all go on about reviews but in my experience, if you're happy at work you're doing something right... right!?

... and btw, they don't have to be expensive or exotic changes, nor should they affect or hurt the ones we love. It could be you make a career change or find a new hobby. You know that something you've always wanted to try but haven't due to peer pressure or stuff just getting in the way. It might be you're unhappy in a relationship and stuck somehow, but for some reason you can't see the woods for the trees. We've all been there.

To share a little transparency I've been to the bottom, mentally that is and it's not a nice place to be. I won't share in too much detail but let me assure you 4 things happened in my life over a 12 month period years ago that took me to the edge. Okay, I'll share 1, I lost my father to cancer, and that wasn't the worst!

Q. So how did I get out of this hole?

A. Well, the 1st thing I did is I talked... that's right lads... talked... you know that thing we're rubbish at doing!

You also need to give yourself time (concentrate on the word NEED). It's not like a headache tablet you take which heals the pain quickly. Some cuts dig deep and last a long time, and I'll be honest, they could be permanent however, you've got to keep fighting because they will eventually ease.

It's about surviving and rebuilding ourselves... and I'll tell you, it's character building because if you can drag yourself out of the gutter and rebuild your life to find a new level of happiness in whatever that might look like, you'll take on new challenges and think "If I can get over this then I achieve anything".

So please chaps, whatever you do, if you're feeling low, discombobulated, out of sync and just not firing on all cylinders don't give up... just please don't give up. Embrace the fear... but be braver... stay strong.

Right, now how much is that sports car? :-)