Why Listen?

Stephen Covey wrote his book ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ back in 1987. Recently I have been reflecting on habit number five: ‘Seek first to understand, then to be understood.’ Specifically, I have been focusing on the first half of this habit.

Seek First to Understand

Most of my adult life has been dedicated to speaking. When I was in sales, I only listened for an opportunity to pitch and persuade, I was constantly thinking and crafting my reply. In my current role as a professional speaker and corporate trainer it seems like it’s all I do!

Recently I attended a 48-hour silent meditation retreat. My family were taking bets on how long I would last. I made the distance, but I was shocked about how much I thought about speaking. My mind was full of past conversations, presentations I have coming up and future interactions.

The silent retreat made me realise that I think about speaking all the time!

But as we know, speaking is only part of effective communication, and it is the listening that will help you unleash your superpower.

‘You’ve spent years learning how to read and write. But what about listening?’ Stephen Covey

Seek First to Understand. Let’s break down keywords in this statement.

First

Be proactive. When I speak to leaders about listening, they tell me how busy they are. It is important to carve out time to connect. Effective listening is an investment. By investing time now you’re saving time in the future by avoiding misunderstandings and conflict. Active listening is not a passive activity. Think about the space you need to listen. Will you conduct a walk and talk, or do you need a quiet room for privacy?

Take time to remove all distractions. Turn off your phone and close your laptop. Personally, I find I listen better when I have a pen and paper on hand. It enables me to take simple notes and prevents me from being distracted.

Seek

Unleash your curiosity. Empathetic listening is about silencing your noisy mind and leaning into what the other person is saying and feeling. It is tempting to interrupt and share your experience or offer solutions to their problem. We want to be able to fix it and move on. Listening is a communication skill that cannot be rushed. As Covey says, “The deepest need of the human heart is to be understood” and this takes time.

Be prepared to sit with the silence allowed time for people to collect their thoughts and express themselves. Show people you are listening with your body language. Leaning in, appropriate eye contact and non-verbal communication encourages people to share.

Gentle prompts such as nodding your head and asking simple questions such as

·         How is that going?

·         Tell me more.

·         What else is happening?

will encourage them to expand their thoughts.

Understand

The goal with empathetic listening is to understand and reflect on the feelings of another person.

We need to listen for facts and data but also for emotions. Pay attention to not only what is being said but why.

Before you give any recommendations check for clarity. Paraphrase what they have said with short statements such as:

·         So, what I’m hearing is…

·         It sounds as if…

·         Do I understand that correctly?

Resist the urge to start with ‘Why did you...’ As this can often make people feel defensive. The goal is to understand how people are thinking and feeling about a situation.

Many difficult scenarios can be deescalated down by listening. Validating people’s thinking and feeling shows you understand them.

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A basic need of humans is our need to feel heard and understood. Once you have this connection and understanding you can work together towards a common goal.

My listening has improved over the years, and I can thank my two sons for this. When you realise you only have 18 summers with your children, you quickly learn to stop, drop, be present and just listen.