Why music is instrumental to our relationships

Over the four-plus years that I’ve been writing this letter, we’ve explored the many ways people can express themselves. Speech and written words certainly top the list, along with facial expressions, touch, and physical acts like giving a gift.

But there’s another way people share their feelings, and it’s easy to overlook despite being ubiquitous. I’m talking about music. Music has the power to convey our deepest emotions, resurface our oldest memories, and connect us like no other form of communication.

Music’s impact is very simple. You don’t need to know how to compose or play an instrument to use music to express yourself or be affected by it. It just happens. Listen to the right song at the right time, and your mood instantly changes. And when you enjoy it with other people, music can be a powerful force in building and strengthening relationships.

As we approach summer and peak outdoor concert season, let's take a look at why music is such a powerful force and how we can use it to boost our connections with other people.

Unraveling the magic of music

At the most basic level, music is just an arrangement of sounds. When you string together notes, you create a melody, or the tune that sticks with you long after it’s stopped. When the notes cluster in patterns of time, you’ve got rhythm. And when the sounds are stacked on each other, you get chords and harmony.

None of these technical details explain why we’re so touched by music. Studies show that listening to music can stimulate the release of dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. This biochemical response is one reason why music can make us feel happy, sad, excited, or nostalgic – even all four at once! Music's structure also engages our brain's pattern recognition and predictive capabilities, creating a satisfying and sometimes surprising experience.

To put that in simpler terms, just watch this scene from the 2015 Zac Efron movie We Are Your Friends. In the clip, a DJ explains how he controls a party by adjusting the music that’s being played and its relationship to our bodies.

What amazes me most about music is that it has the same effect on people regardless of what country they’re from, what language they speak, or their socio-economic background. Moreover, tunes have been having the same impact on us for as long as recorded history. And any type of music – whether the latest pop song or a Beethoven symphony – can carry the same emotional wallop.

Music as a time machine

Think back to some of the special moments in your life, like your high school prom, wedding, or a summer road trip. Chances are that the music you heard is deeply tied to these memories. When you hear it again, you’ll be transported back in time and feel how you felt.

The band Chicago’s song “Colour My World” does exactly that to me. Whenever I hear that song – on the radio, in the car, or the background music at a supermarket – I’m instantly transported to my wedding day and my first dance with Marylou. I could be in the grumpiest mood, and it changes me immediately.

In 1988, Mike and the Mechanics, a popular group at the time, released a song called, “The Living Years.” It was the band’s biggest hit, and it was popular during the time when my father was dying. I remember listening to that song while driving to Jamaica Hospital in Queens, New York, to visit him. And when I hear that song now, I go right back to that place, thinking of my dad.

Music for healing

Music’s power to heal is nothing short of extraordinary. A few months ago, I had an opportunity to talk to the leaders of Musicians on Call, an organization that provides live music in hospitals. So far, it’s performed for more than one million people in healthcare facilities nationwide.

Pete Griffin, the organization’s chief executive, shared:

“There has been study after study coming out year after year about what we know about how music heals. For example, there have been studies done that talked about how music assists cancer patients with pain management, and how it helps lower blood pressure, and reduce stress.”

Pete also talked about a study done during the pandemic by the University of London that found people who listened to 30 minutes of music a day had lower levels of anxiety and depression. 

“Music is not only fun and entertaining, but it also helps people recover, heal, and get through a difficult time. Music really provides a mental boost. We have seen first-hand, the undeniable physical, mental, and emotional benefits of music on hospital patients. Music really is a true gift.”

Music to strengthen relationships

Music is also a shared experience. You don’t need to know technical details like harmonic progression, timbre, or meter; just talk about how a song made you feel and what it reminded you of. You’ll instantly have a deep connection with whomever you are speaking with.

Why? Because we tend to be passionate about the music we love. For me, it’s the music of Coldplay. A few years ago, I greatly surprised my kids and grandkids by announcing my love of the band’s music. They were expecting perhaps music more aligned with my generation. (Who could they have thought of?) It immediately deepened our relationship.

A couple of years ago, the band performed at MetLife Stadium in New Jersey, and I gathered as many family members as I could. The youngest was five, and the oldest was – of course – me. That concert, and the music, stands out as one of our most amazing, shared moments we’ve experienced as a family. I can’t think of any other time we were jumping, waving our arms, and singing together.

Whenever I hear Coldplay today, I think about all of us together, and a smile immediately comes to my face.

I’ve only touched the surface of what music is and what it can do. I hope you use this summer to explore how music can enhance your relationships. Consider the ways a favorite song can be a gift of a shared experience that strengthens bonds and creates memories.

Music is not just background noise; it’s a language of the heart that speaks to our shared humanity.

All the best,

Jim