Why Understanding Attachment Styles Is A Leadership Superpower

“It’s never too late to have a happy childhood,” my therapist once said. No matter how we grew up, as adults we have the power to learn new patterns, and even to heal at work.

My guest Jack Hinman, Psy.D , says, “We're all emotional beings, and knowing your attachment style is a great place to start developing insight into your anxiety, what overwhelms you, or what triggers you. Work is such an interpersonal process that it's going to pull out your patterns.” Understanding attachment styles becomes even more important in times of change, says Hinman, because uncertainty often sends us backwards. Uncertainty is going to trigger your attachment style and influence how you deal with it.

Attachment theory posits that our early relationships, particularly with caregivers, shape how we connect with others throughout our lives. In the workplace, this translates into our "relationship operating system," influencing everything from how we interact with colleagues to how we handle stress and feedback. 

Being aware of what will activate your attachment anxiety is key to knowing how to respond securely. Difficult situations can trigger “Attachment anxiety”: “The degree to which people experience fear of abandonment, fear of separation, and the level of concern about the availability of the attachment figure in times of need.”

“Work is like a little family system,” says Hinman. You've got people that might be the dad, the mom, or the siblings. Your history affects your attachment, but you're not set in stone. You can be a preoccupied boss, director, or CEO, but you can learn to show up securely.” 

Decoding Attachment Styles

Let's break down the main attachment styles:

1. Secure Attachment

Individuals with secure attachment tend to:

- Balance connection and autonomy effectively

- Trust others and feel comfortable with interdependence

- Handle workplace stress and change with resilience

- Provide stable leadership and foster psychological safety

Hinman notes that secure leaders are "connected to you, but they're not threatened by you. They're connected to you, but they trust you. They're connected to you, but they don't micromanage you."  

2. Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment

Those with anxious attachment often:

- Crave frequent validation and feedback

- Deeply invest in relationships

- Feel heightened anxiety about workplace relationships

- May interpret neutral actions negatively (e.g., a boss not saying hello one morning might trigger thoughts of "I'm getting fired")

- Excel at anticipating challenges but may struggle with emotional regulation

As someone who identifies with this style, I can attest to the double-edged nature of our hyper-awareness. We're very relational “and need to understand how we exist in relation to others.” We're often steps ahead in predicting market changes or potential issues, but as Jack notes, this can be "emotionally exhausting."

It's helpful to be aware of your attachment styles at work so that you know how to manage relationships. You might be supervising someone with a preoccupied attachment style, and being aware of that, you'll be mindful that they crave connection and feedback. How you manage your one-on-ones becomes really important, says Hinman. A preoccupied person needs consistency and lots of feedback because they're driven by it. 

3. Avoidant Attachment

Individuals with avoidant attachment typically:

- Excel in crisis situations and take a logical approach

- Don’t get hung up on politics or popularity contests- but may avoid valuable growth opportunities

- Prioritize independence and task completion over relationships

- May struggle with emotional intimacy and team connection

- Might be defensive about feedback, potentially limiting their growth

Jack pointed out that avoidant individuals often "go to work more for getting the task done than for relationships and connection."

When Attachment Styles Collide

Understanding these styles is crucial because they significantly impact workplace dynamics. Consider these scenarios:

1.  Preoccupied/Anxious Boss, Avoidant Employee: 

 An anxious manager might interpret an avoidant employee's need for autonomy as disinterest or poor performance. The employee, in turn, might feel suffocated by the manager's need for frequent check-ins. For example, Hinman notes, if you're a preoccupied supervisee and your boss walks in without saying hi, going straight to their office and shutting the door, you might automatically think they don’t like you or that you've messed up.

2. Two Preoccupied Colleagues: 

   Jack described this as an "anxiety party." When two preoccupied individuals feed off each other's stress, it can lead to emotional escalation and catastrophizing. I've experienced this firsthand in my business, where my tendency to react emotionally could have spiraled if not for my more grounded partner.

3. Avoidant Leader, Anxious Team: 

   An avoidant leader might not provide the connection and feedback that anxious team members crave, potentially leading to decreased job satisfaction and increased turnover.

Leadership Superpower

Jack says, “Connection is both the outcome and the intervention.” We can get our needs met at work, we can have healthy connections and having healthy connections at work can make us a healthier person. As a leader, how are you maintaining and building connections to help people feel connected in such a disconnected world? Understanding attachment styles will help you connect meaningfully, and dissolve unnecessary anxiety in yourself, and on the team. Here’s what to cultivate:

1. Self-Awareness: Understand your own attachment style and how it manifests in your work relationships.

2. Intentional Connection: If you're an avoidant leader, schedule regular one-on-ones and make connection a priority. As Jack Hinman suggests, "Schedule it. I have to make it an intentional, a priority and a part of my job."

3. Emotional Regulation: Practice grounding techniques when triggered. Jack shared a powerful example: "I've taken my shoes off and walked in the snow barefoot... Pulling your body in the best way to turn the mind is to turn the body."

4. Find Your Anchors: Cultivate relationships with secure individuals who can provide stability. These could be mentors, coaches, or trusted colleagues.

5. Adapt Your Communication: Tailor your approach based on others' attachment styles. For instance, provide more autonomy to avoidant individuals and more frequent check-ins with anxious team members.

6. Create Psychological Safety: Foster an environment where people feel safe discussing their needs and concerns openly.

Remember: “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.” Our attachment styles aren't fixed. With awareness and effort, we can move towards more secure patterns of relating, enhancing our professional relationships and overall career satisfaction.

Understanding attachment styles offers a powerful lens through which to view our interactions, stressors, and professional growth. By recognizing our patterns and those of our colleagues, we build leadership superpowers!

Morra

P.S: Check Out Healing At Work from my friend Susan Schmitt Winchester- powerful stuff!