Why Understanding Care-Taking Can Revolutionize Your Leadership Style
Care-taking is a major blind-spot for most change-makers. What I've witnessed every time I have the conversation with leaders is resistance; and, every time, on the other side of that resistance is serious life and leadership transformation. Prepare yourself to be expanded!
In this article I'll differentiate between care-taking and care-giving as it was taught to me by Gary Zukav and Linda Francis when I studied alongside them.
Generally, what we're talking about are actions of giving your time, presence, money, gifts, and energy to others. With care-giving and care-taking you're investing something of yourself with another person.
So, what's the difference.?
Let's walk through a scenario.
Many years ago my father passed away and soon after I received an inheritance. Around the same time, I was also leaving an intimate partner.
We had been together for many years and so as part of my departure package, I left him a cheque with some of the money I received from my father.
I rationalized (with myself) that if I had still been with him, I would have given him this money, and just because I had decided to depart there was no reason why I wouldn't still do that. I loved him after all.
A month later I went to a workshop with Gary and Linda and they started talking about care-taking vs. care-giving. As I listened to their words, I noticed my face redden, my heart rate increase and this nausea settle into my belly.
Without thinking, I raised my hand to take the mic.
"I think I gave my ex part of my inheritance because I was care-taking him."
Love vs. Fear
Gary and Linda explained that the difference between care-taking and care-giving came down to one thing:
Your intention
Most of us convince ourselves that we are giving from a loving intention 100% of the time. However, in my experience observing executives, parents, partners and change-makers, it's no where close to that ratio.
Most of us are actually giving out of fear and convincing ourselves it's coming from love.
Think about a situation in your life right now where you are giving your time, money, resources, presence, energy. Now, work through the following check-lists and see what arises for you.
Signs That You Are Care-Giving:
These are all pretty clear signs you're coming from a loving intention which means you're in an act of care-giving. Energetically, it feels expansive because you are giving yourself to another without attachment.
Now, let's check in with the other side of the equation.
Signs That You Are Care-Taking:
These are all signs you're coming from a fearful intention which means you're in an act of care-taking. Energetically, it feels constricting because you are giving yourself to another with attachment.
When you are caring for people from love, there are no strings attached, you feel compassion, appreciation and gratitude and you're in awe that you get to do it.
If you give because you want other people to appreciate you, or have a better image of yourself or feel better about yourself, then you are in a fearful intention. Resentment, distance, judgement are all great indicators that you've veered into care-taking.
Why is it called care-taking?
When you give from fear, it's self-serving. You're doing something for another person but energetically you are attached to getting something in return whether it's a thank you or a better feeling about yourself. When you don't get what you're attached to, your body goes into a protective response.
Siting in that room with Gary and Linda, I realized that I had been feeling resentful because my partner had not thanked me for the money in a way that I felt was sufficient.
Although I had convinced myself that I was giving from a loving, caring, thoughtful place, I was actually giving to be liked, forgiven, and not thought of poorly. When I didn't receive any of that, my body reacted in a protective way - resentment.
Why Is It Important For You To Stop Care-Taking?
Change-makers are naturally giving people. We love to do things for people, help them out, make their lives better and have them actualize into the best versions of themselves. And, we're pretty darn good at it!
People know that about us so we generally get asked to do many things - sit on boards, lead discussions, sign up for committees, take on more work tasks, give presentations, take on the next position, and on and on.
As much as you're aligned with the causes or want to help out, what I've noticed in conversations with folks like you is that there is an awful lot of resentment, anger, frustration and exhaustion despite all your seemingly good intentioned ways.
Those feelings diminish your ability to make a positive difference in the world. We need you to be in your joy, and more importantly, you need you to be in your joy for your own well-being, impact and fulfilment.
Care-Taking Diminishes Your Leadership Effectiveness
What really did it for me when I was learning about this way of being was when I understood the downside of care-taking on other people (because it's not actually all about you).
When you over do things for others, always being the one to say yes, to be on the board, to show up in rooms you don't need to be in, all from a fear-based intention, you are delivering the message:
I don't think you're capable.
Let that sink in.
When I first realized that, I saw all of these relationships where I was diminishing other people's sense of self-worth because I kept jumping in and doing the things. I was communicating "I don't think you're capable."
In other cases, like difficult conversations, I kept checking in to see if they were okay afterward. I wasn't holding them capable of working with their emotions and felt I had to care-take them through the process. I was communicating "I don't think you're capable."
As leaders who want to be surrounded by empowered individuals who creatively and intuitively step in to solve problems they care about, you need to start holding everyone more capable.
You do that by checking in with your intention and choosing love.
Your Resistance To This Work
Because I've had this conversation many times, I know what you may be thinking. Ame-Lia, this is called being nice, being consciences. As a daughter, leader, care-giver, parent, I need to give. It's my role.
I hear you.
I'm not saying at all don't give. You can do the exact same act and in one case it will be care-taking and in another care-giving. It all depends on your intention.
Sometimes, all that is required to switch from one to the other is an attitude adjustment. Can you actually give from an attachment free place?
Other times, it takes stepping back and looking at the situation from a bigger lens to understand if this is something worth your precious time and energy.
Knowing that you are a soul who came here to expand, to become the very best version of you, what is your real role here on earth?
If all the things that you have signed up for and agree to do light you up, give you incredible joy, have you be in gratitude for what you get to do, then you truly are living your purpose. Celebrate that!
For most of us though, there are too many things that we are doing to please, to be liked, to get ahead, to be accepted, to prove our worth, and none of that is our life purpose, nor will our purpose be realized giving from that place.
That's an inner game which comes from knowing and accepting yourself.
You did not come into this life to give your dreams away by care-taking other people. You were meant to live your dreams fully.
Questions For Taking Your Power Back
Before you say yes to giving something of yourself (time, money, energy), ask:
1. What is my intention? Is it coming from fear or is it coming from love?
2. If I held the belief that this person was 100% capable, would it still make sense for me to say yes?
3. If I knew that I was inherently worthy of love and that I belonged regardless of my decision, would I still say yes?
Go through everything on your calendar and feel into each task. Does your energy raise or does it lower when you read it? For all the tasks where your energy lowers, ask, what is my intention for doing this?
*****
Change-maker, there are many nuances to this conversation. Reach out if you want to share some of your ideas, experiences or what's alive for you.
If you want to dive in deeper and clean up this area of your life, I'll be hosting a workshop on July 13th from 10am-1pm PT. If you're interested, send me a DM.
I'm standing for you, your vision and your very best life.
You are enough,
Ame-Lia