Why We Find It Hard to Sit with Children’s Emotions

I want to dive into something that’s been on my mind lately: why it’s so hard for us, as teachers and parents, to sit with our children’s emotions.

I’ve had some lovely feedback from the episode on regulation, where we talked about how the goal isn’t to stay calm all the time. That’s right—calm isn’t always the endgame. Instead, the real goal of regulation is to bring yourself back into a balanced state. Think of it like being at a concert, yelling and cheering—you’re regulated even though you’re not calm, because your energy matches your internal state.

So let’s add to that conversation and talk about why, as adults, we find it so hard to sit with our children’s emotions.

Why Children’s Emotions Can Feel So Overwhelming

If you’re anything like me, becoming a parent might have brought this issue front and centre. When my daughter cried, I felt a rush of anger and frustration, followed by guilt and shame. I knew she wasn’t doing it to make me feel that way, but I still struggled to provide the support she needed.

So, what was going on for me? When a child starts expressing a big emotion, like crying or shouting, their body floods with adrenaline and cortisol. Our bodies, thanks to mirror neurons, naturally want to mimic what we see. So when a child is upset, we start to feel that same heightened state, which can make it incredibly hard to sit there and hold space for them.

This is why self-regulation is the first step in co-regulation. We need to regulate ourselves before we can lend our calm to the child in front of us.

The Impact of Our Childhoods

But there’s more to it. A lot of the difficulty we have with children’s emotions stems from our own childhood experiences. If we weren’t allowed to express emotions like anger or sadness when we were kids—maybe because our parents couldn’t accept those emotions (due to their own upbringing)—our nervous systems learned that these feelings aren’t safe.

So, when we see a child displaying those same emotions, our bodies react with, “No, this isn’t okay! Shut it down!” Even if we logically know it’s fine for a child to cry or be angry, our nervous systems might still be sending us signals that it’s not safe.

This is why it’s so important to address your inner child. If you haven’t done the work to help that younger version of yourself feel safe with emotions, you’re likely to find yourself reacting in ways you don’t want to. You might think, “I know I shouldn’t be responding this way, but I am, and I don’t know how to stop.” That’s often because we haven’t healed those old wounds from our childhood.

The Work of Reparenting Yourself

A big part of the work I do with teachers and parents—whether in one-on-one coaching or group programs—involves reparenting your inner child. By going back and giving yourself what you needed back then, you can start to take control over how your body responds now. Instead of letting your stress response drive the car, you can get back in the driver’s seat and steer yourself toward a more regulated state.

This isn’t easy work, but it’s necessary if you want to break the cycle of reactive behaviour. By understanding why certain emotions or behaviours activate you, you can start to manage your responses better and create a calmer, more supportive environment for your kids.

Emotions Don’t Have to Define You

One of the biggest revelations I had in this journey was realising that emotions don’t have to be part of your identity. Anger, sadness, frustration—these are just emotions, not personality traits. If you grew up thinking that anger was a bad part of your personality, it’s likely because you were never taught how to express it in a healthy way.

But emotions are just data. They give us information about what’s going on inside us, and they’re meant to be felt and released. The more we can embrace this, the more we can help our children understand that it’s healthy to experience every emotion on the spectrum—and that there’s no shame in feeling the “unpleasant” ones.

The Power of Emotional Intelligence

If you’re struggling with these issues, know that you’re not alone. This is exactly why I created The Emotionally Intelligent Educator, my new course! It’s everything I wish I’d had as a new parent and teacher—a comprehensive guide to understanding emotions, supporting children’s behaviour, and building deep connections in the classroom and at home.

Whether you’re looking for a self-paced option, group coaching, or VIP one-on-one support, there’s something here for everyone.

I hope today’s blog has reassured you and given you some insights into why sitting with children’s emotions can be so challenging. Remember, it’s okay to find this difficult, and there’s support available to help you on this journey!

Warm wishes, Em