Why Workplace Feedback Fills Us With Fear (And How To Recover)

Which would you prefer? Your boss drops by and tells you how much your contribution to the project is appreciated? Or, your boss passes on to you a suggestion about how your contribution to the project could be even greater?

The fact of the matter is that this question has no simple answer. It depends on the level of confidence or self-assurance you have. It depends on how the feedback is delivered by the giver. It depends on the relationship between the giver and you. Generally, what benefits individuals the most is seldom what pleases them at the moment it is given. Finally, what people say they want to receive is not always reflected in their immediate behavior.

The simple fact is that a very large percent of the population dreads feedback.

Why? Fundamentally, fear occurs when we believe there is danger. Our brains are wired to keep us from harm. Our innate instincts alert us to danger by signaling us to fight back, flee or freeze. This inherited trait is helpful in many circumstances, but when it comes to managing feedback—particularly critical or corrective feedback—these reactions can be debilitating.

Those of us who fear feedback can often trace our fear to one or more experiences where corrective feedback from a superior or someone who was in authority over us was delivered poorly. The feedback felt so negative our ego was crushed. Experiences like this generate a great deal of anxiety. From then on, the prospect of getting feedback is deemed a traumatic enough experience it becomes the thing we’d go to any length to avoid.

Fear of feedback is not necessarily an irrational fear. These distasteful experiences create an assumption that corrective feedback will always be a bad experience. Those of us who constantly look for additional feedback realize that it can occasionally be delivered badly. But there are many things we do willingly knowing that at least some of the time, negative events will occur. Exercise is very helpful, but those who exercise regularly do so while realizing that injury and soreness will occasionally happen. We accept that risk, knowing the soreness is a consequence of hard work and is making you stronger. The desire to be loved by another person is a drive that is very strong, but occasionally, (or even often) the love of another person will not be returned. Yet the way people continue forward in either of these cases--exercise or love—is to realize that the great benefits of either situation are enough to outweigh the pain or the risk.

We have strong evidence that regular feedback is not only helpful for the recipient, but for others in the organization as well. The graph below shows a study by Zenger Folkman of more than 51,000 leaders. They found that those leaders who are rated poorly on seeking and acting on feedback are rated at the 12th percentile in their overall effectiveness as a leader. While those in the top 10% on the dimension of asking for and acting on feedback are rated at the 90th percentile in comparison to other leaders.

Leaders who deliver feedback effectively also help build the abilities, skills and talents of others. Leaders who fear feedback, however, often pass that fear onto others, even while in the act of delivering feedback.

Making Feedback A Positive Experience

Most can replace their fear of feedback with an attitude of acceptance, if they simply follow these steps:

1. Develop the habit of regularly asking for feedback from others. Start with an easy step, such as asking group members for one suggestion that would have made the meeting you just conducted better from their perspective. The more you do this, the more comfortable you become. Fear diminishes when you see that it need not be painful and that it can be extremely helpful.

2. If you begin to feel hurt or irritation, ask yourself the question, “Which is worse, having someone convey corrective feedback or to remain oblivious to it?” You can’t fix things you don’t know about. Wouldn’t you want to know when you are doing something others perceive as inefficient, offensive or detracting from your effectiveness?

3. Avoid strong emotional reactions to feedback. Emotions cloud understanding and get in the way of putting the helpful elements of the feedback to work. Take a deep breath. Don’t respond defensively. Thank people. Smile. Your behavior will change how you are feeling inside. Ask questions that will help you fully understand the feedback you’ve received. Seek examples. Ask for ideas about how they would have preferred you behave.

In our research, it is clear that the most effective leaders are those who receive and give the most feedback. Continually receiving feedback gives them the opportunity to quickly adjust their behavior and learn from mistakes. Giving others an abundance of feedback allows others to grow and develop new skills. Plus, it creates a team where job satisfaction and engagement are high.

If you recently received negative feedback at work, consider the experience a gift. Whether the feedback was given well or poorly, and whether it was entirely valid or not, let it be the first step in your becoming a stronger executive and leader tomorrow.

As Franklin Delano Roosevelt said in his first inaugural address, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” With feedback, the biggest (and perhaps the only) thing we have to fear is not getting the feedback—pleasant or otherwise—that could have been extremely helpful to us, to our career, and ultimately to the organization.