Words Matter: How To Improve Your Communication

Communication should be easy. 

After all, we’ve been stringing words together since we were mere toddlers. Yet communication is one of the biggest struggles so many of us face at work, with our teams, and even at home in our most intimate relationships. 

So, what makes communication or the translation of our ideas to others so hard?

Well, for starters, the ever increasing pace at which we’re moving through the world has put on us greater demand for clarity in communication. Whether we’re sharing complex ideas or simple stories about what happened in our day, communication is often hampered by our inability to sit still and focus on the thing at hand. All too often we’re onto the next thing or already engaged in whatever is staring at us on our phones or computers. 

Next, the problem with communication is that we all come with our own set of experiences that can hamper listening and understanding what is being shared with us. This one is the most interesting because when it comes to how we listen, we’re always filtering it through what has happened to us in life, what we fear and hope for, our limiting beliefs and our biases. 

I often talk about this with attorneys when focusing on the art of persuasion, but the truth is that no matter what we’re sharing with another person, we have layers and layers of filters we have to work through just to get our point across. 

Add to that the fact that we now have myriad ways to communicate - text, social media, email, phone, voxer, whatsapp and let’s not forget face-to-face - we simply have more opportunities for multiple interpretations and more ways to screw up. 

We hold expectations, don’t mind the tone we use, rush through explanations and try to push what we want onto others. 

It's no wonder that poor communication is costing organizations more than $62.4 million dollars per year for organizations of more than 100,000 employees according to The Holmes Report. 

That breaks down to $26,041 in lost productivity in large companies and even in small businesses with less than 100 employees, the cost of poor communication averages about $420,000 per year. 

Yikes.

And while some of this may not be surprising (especially if you’ve left the house at all in the last few years), how to resolve the issue of poor communication still remains a topic of dispute.

One of the mistakes so many organizations and individuals make is that that we attempt to throw strategy at the problem without understanding some of the driving forces of communication (it’s the same with any business strategy really).

And worse yet, even when they do look at what’s really happening, they’re often looking in the wrong place to solve the problem of effective communication.

Here’s what I mean. 

I’m approached by businesses to help their teams and individuals improve their communication and inevitably the first thing I’m asked is this: “Can you provide them tools for improving the way they speak with one another?”

My usual response is, “Yes, but that’s not really going to solve your problem. That’s only going to make things look nice for a while - until your next big conflict).” 

“So what do we do?”

Well, for starters, you have to start looking at communication obstacles differently.

Communication can’t just be fixed with tools and strategies for how to deliver concepts and difficult messages. No, you actually have to understand some of the filters that cause disrupted listening.

One of the things I tell individuals is that effective communication is not a one-size fits all kind of thing. Sure, there exist strategies that will work for everyone, but how people listen and deliver information will depend on what they learned early in life. 

For example, I recently worked with an individual who struggled with feedback from her peers because she had been bullied throughout childhood. Another client who struggled to share his voice in meetings because he would be put down by his father. And yet another who aggressively defended his position because that’s how you got attention in his family.

How we communicate and receive communication will be highly dependent on what happened to you early in life.

I often insist on having sessions with individuals and team members to uncover some of these experiences, lessons and messages so I can tailor my tools to actually work for the people involved. 

And while I’m fully trained to do this with individuals and teams, you can actually begin to look at this yourself - especially if you’ve repeatedly been told you’re the communication bottleneck.

Here are a few questions you can begin to ask yourself to uncover some of your own communication struggles and begin to shift your patterns.

1. In your family of origin, how did your parents or family react to your ideas and thoughts? Were they explored or were they questions and ridiculed?
2. Was your family of origin critical or permissive? 
3. How did you stay safe as a child (whether at home or at school)? Were you the one who was expected to have the answers or did you stay quiet so as to stay out of trouble or harm’s way?
4. Was it normal for your family to debate issues?
5. Did you feel as if you had to always defend your positions to be heard?
6. What were you told about your voice? What were you told about how much or how little you talked?

These questions can get to the root of some of the ways you deliver or receive information. They can be instrumental in helping you understand what you can work on - instead of simply formulating “I feel” statements to get your message heard.

For example, if you grew up in a defensive family, you can begin to slow yourself down and ask more questions before you respond.

If you grew up in a family where your voice wasn’t honored, you can begin to ask for what you want practice in safe places (like those you love).

If you were used to being the smart one who always had the answers, you can learn to step back and see how much of what you’re delivering is solely for the purpose of showing what you know (sometimes observing can be just as powerful).

The way you were raised can also impact your listening - which really is at the core of good communication. If you’ve ever listened to a conversation between your friends or at work, you’ll notice that most of us don’t really listen anymore.

We multitask (which really isn’t a thing), we listen with intention to respond, we talk over others and we try to just fight our way through the noisy sea of conversation. It can be detrimental to clear communication.

In fact, if you were to ask a group of people to sum up the exact statements made by others, they’re more likely to remember their own points than anything else.

It’s, unfortunately, the way of the listening these days.

Which is why listening is a skill of communication that has to be addressed as much as the beliefs that prevent you from hearing anything. 

I often suggest people put away their phones for meetings, dinners, time with friends or any time anyone needs your attention. You’re more likely to remain present and hear what needs to be heard.

Next, I recommend you “empty your brain”. The idea is simple (even if it’s not easy). As you begin listening to another person hold off on coming to any conclusions, thoughts or responses the entire time someone else is talking. Simply make a point of understanding what is being said.

It’s going to be challenging at first, but in the world of coaching it’s called actively listening - putting all your focus and energy into what’s in front of you. Once you get used to doing this, you’ll be amazed at how much you retain and how you actually slow communication in ways that becomes more intentional and effective.

These are just a few of the tips I share before we apply tools because it doesn’t help to apply tools if I still have to confront resistance in the form of fear, judgment, limiting beliefs or poor listening.

You can begin to try some of these tools and begin to notice what impact it makes on the relationships around you - remember sometimes the best way to change others is by changing yourself.

Linda

P.S. Looking for support in this area? I offer communication coaching and workshops for individuals, teams and corporations. To learn more, send me a message so we can hop on a quick consultation call and learn more about your needs.

#bettercommunication #improvecommunication #crackthesuccesscode #businesscommunication #successstrategies

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About the Author: Linda a success strategist, speaker and recovering attorney who has helped hundreds crack their own success code and find greater freedom, make more money and find balance.

She spent 17 years as a federal criminal defense attorney in Chicago, and left only to to pursue her passion in coaching and business strategy after witnessing how much it impacted her life and helped her redefine success. 

With certifications from the esteemed Ford Institute, established by best selling author and teacher Debbie Ford, and from the Levin Life Coach Academy, where she is the lead business instructor guiding life coaches how to build a profitable life coach business -  Linda works with entrepreneurs, small business owners, corporations, attorneys, other professional service providers and creative entrepreneurs to help them build the business they truly love.

She is the host of the Mindset First Podcast and regularly is a guest speaker on a variety of podcasts and stages focused on using mindset tools to get further. 

She currently lives in the mountains of Colorado with her husband, dog and kids (when they’re home).