You Do Not Totally Get It

Do you know what always annoys me?

When people always talk in absolutes and never understand that there are things they may never understand.

Did you see what I did there? I used absolutes to explain that I am always annoyed with people who speak in absolutes. Annoying, right?

Absolutely Ludicrous

So in the off chance that you are not familiar with the idea of speaking in absolutes, it is when someone uses definitive and unqualified language, such as "always," "never," "everyone," or "no one" when trying to make a point. This approach can oversimplify complex situations and overlook nuances. Other downsides to speaking like this is that it can create unrealistic expectations, lead to misunderstandings, and shut down constructive dialogue.

If you've ever been in an argument with someone who speaks in absolutes, you know that it can be very alienating, making it difficult to find common ground or compromise. Additionally, absolute statements can undermine credibility. The fact is there are not many absolutes in this world. Exceptions often exist, and failing to acknowledge them--especially in interpersonal engagements--can make the absolutist's argument seem less thoughtful or informed. And in my opinion, folks who speak in absolutes in situations that can have large scale repercussions should not be taken seriously.

"I Never Mean Always When I Say Always. No One Does."

As a linguist, I understand colloquial speech reasonably well. For example, I understand that if a Chinese speaker says "我半天跟他谈话", the characters 半天 literally translated mean half a day. So, someone who doesn't understand this colloquialism would translate this sentence as, "I talked to him for half a day." But, what the sentence really means is, "I talked to him for a long time." I know that at least Chinese, Spanish, Cape Verdean Criolu, and English have these linguistic devices because I have spoken all of them with reasonable proficiency at different points in my life and had to learn when someone is speaking in colloquialisms, sarcastically, hyperbolically, or manipulatively. And the difference makers between these instances of language uses typically comes down to level of emotion and the stakes of the conversation.

I can say that in my experience, Americans tend to use their language the most manipulatively. There are a lot of reasons for this that I won't get into right now. But, what enables them to do it so effectively, as far as I can tell, is that when the stakes go down and the emotional content changes, many Americans will reframe their previous positions to match the changed context. For example, someone may use absolutist language manipulatively in a heated argument or debate because they are trying to "win at all costs". And then when they are fact checked or indisputably proven wrong, they will often try to downgrade how they were using the language and say something like, "You shouldn't have taken me seriously. I was just being sarcastic." It is a subtle form of deflection and Americans are pretty good at it.

It is like we think that if we rewrite the events it will change the outcome for the other person or people that we have harmed. It won't. Additionally, many of us are under some kind of delusion that the more people that do something ignorant, the less the impact. So many us love the, "Everybody does it." argument. Take American chattel slavery for example. There was never a moment in history when that was not inhumane and just plain evil. But, somehow people can shape their mouths to say ignorant things like, "Well everybody who wanted to make it in the American economy had slaves back then. But that doesn't mean they were bad people." Again with the absolutes. Not everyone used African labor. Maybe your family did. And yes, they were bad people if the standard is the so called Golden Rule of treating people the way we want to be treated. But, maybe if we can accept that, we can become better people. Unfortunately, it is not part of our collective culture to say, "I'm sorry. I was wrong. I misspoke. I effed up. I benefited from stolen people." Some of us do it. But most of us think that apologizing and asking for forgiveness is weakness. Besides, if EVERYONE is doing it...

No One Totally Gets It

Of course, if there were no exceptions to there not being absolutes then no absolutes would be an absolute. So, here is an absolute that I absolutely agree with. And that is that absolutely no one totally gets anything. And yet, I hear people often say, "I totally get it." And while I understand it to be a figure of speech, I think it is one people should be mindful of using especially when they are talking to someone who has experiences that they may be able to relate to but definitely don't have. For example, when Black people talk about discrimination in America and a person with Irish descent says, "I totally get it. I heard that when my great grandfather came to America, there were signs that said 'Irish need not apply.'", they are, albeit unintentionally, being dismissive. When folks say stuff like that, I know they mean well. But, they do not "totally get it." Just like a man can't say to a woman who went through labor with no epidural, "I totally get it. I had horrible hemorrhoids once."

Quick Tip: If you feel your brain trying to get you to make a statement that starts with "I totally get it..." please stop yourself unless it is something simple like, "I totally get it. 2+2=4." That you might totally get. But none of us totally gets someone else's lived experience. One thing you could say if you think you have a relatable experience is, "There is no way I can totally get it. But I might be a able to relate a little bit. Would you say ________ is similar to _________?" If the person says no. Believe them and move on.

To Those Who Don't Know That They Don't Know

One of my favorite commercials is the trailer for Neil deGrasse Tyson's Masterclass on Scientific Thinking and Communication. He begins the trailer with the statement, "One of the greatest challenges in the world is to know enough about a subject to think you're right. But, not enough about the subject to KNOW YOU'RE WRONG." I love that. I think he needs to be the head of The Department of Education if we still have one in a few years. In that one statement, he sums up the entire problem with the US education system, which has a severe problem with teaching to pass tests instead of teaching to learn.

You see, there is this false belief that if you get an A on a test that means you know everything you need to know about a subject in perpetuity. This is categorically wrong. In addition, this pervasive illusion does not take into consideration that human phenomenon known as forgetting. When you are taught to pass a test, there is a high likelihood that the information that you remembered for the test was stored in your short term memory and will be forgotten in short order. Whereas, when you are taught to learn, you retain the information longer. And even if you do forget it, you know how to learn it again.

Another aspect of knowing how to learn is that you have humility about how little you can really know about a subject. When you love learning, you have a hunger to know as much as possible. But, you also know your limits. Liken it to going to an all you can eat buffet with a seemingly limitless supply of all the best foods you can imagine. You stare at the bounty and you think to yourself, "I wish I could eat all of it without ever getting full." But the reality is that your desire far exceeds your capacity. You will get full. Your body will not let you keep on eating. And the more you eat of one thing, the less you can eat of others. This is how it is when it comes to learning. Folks who love learning feel gratitude and awe for the information buffet. But they know that there is no way they can take it all in. So they savor what they can take in. They sample to see what they enjoy the best. And if they love it enough, they will learn how to make it, so they can have it whenever they want.

Contrast this to folks who go to the knowledge fast food restaurant. They're goal is to just get full. They don't consider that what they are being fed isn't good for them. And every time they go to that same fast food chain, they order the same meal over and over again. And when you tell them that there is better more nutritious food and more choices elsewhere, the fact that they've never had it is proof to them that it doesn't exist. They effectively say, "I totally get it. I know everything there is to know about food. You get it from someone. You put it in your mouth and eat it. Then you poop it out. And then you do the same thing all over again." Well, that is not everything you need to know. And yet, this is the thought process of way too many of us in way too many areas of our lives and far too few of us challenge it. I am writing this and other works that I am creating, because I'm trying to light a fire underneath the butts of some of us who are sitting by and letting these shenanigans go on. We know that some of our friends and family and so called leaders don't know that they don't know and yet live as if they know everything. And, we say nothing. It's a desperate situation that without significant disruption can likely have some very dire consequences for a whole lot of people.

“The mass of [humans] lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation... A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind. There is no play in them, for this comes after work. But it is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things..”

Henry David Thoreau

Dunning-Kruger is Scarier Than Freddy Krueger

When I was a child, I wasn't really allowed to watch scary movies because my mom thought they would keep me up at night. But, when I did watch movies like Nightmare on Elm Street or a Vampire movie at someone else's house, I would just laugh and sleep like a baby because I knew they weren't real. But, for some reason, my mom let me watch The Executioner's Song starring Tommy Lee Jones when it came on TV. And you know what, it messed me up for years because that's when I realized that humans can do some insane things for reasons they believe are legitimately sane. I have not seen that movie since I was eight. And, it still gives me the heebie jeebies because it is based on something that really happened. And stuff like this happens everyday. Real life everyday people who think they know what they don't know and don't know that there are things that they don't know that they don't know are making uninformed decisions that impact us all. And yet, they are convinced they have things totally figured out. We're living in a Dunning-Kruger Effect pandemic and we are sorely in need of a vaccine.

The Dunning-Kruger Effect is typically when someone with a limited understanding of a subject or issue confidently overestimates their comprehension. It's a type of bias that I personally think connects to a form of ego-centrism. You know the song, We Are the World? Well, I think the people who display Dunning-Kruger effect are unconsciously thinking, "I am the World". And, they unknowingly think that what they know that has enabled them to survive thus far is the sum total of what they need to know. But, the Dunning-Kruger Effect can also work in reverse where a person actually underestimates their knowledge and over estimates the knowledge of others thinking that other people learn at the same rate that they do. In this iteration of this phenomenon, a person may not realize their own talents because they perpetually think that they don't know that much.

You see this a lot when a person is what you might call a "natural talent". They are often less likely to reach the levels of recognition as someone who is confident in their limited abilities and may have just taken a few classes or sometimes none at all before they put themselves out in the world. I've seen this a lot with my own wife. She is an incredible photographer with a great eye and an almost spooky understanding of lighting. However, her business has always been limited because she thinks that other people know more than she does even though her pictures are usually better than the people's that she compares herself to. That's why folks are frequently asking her for advice. And I was the same way before I started serving as a pastor. People told me I could do it. But for years, I kept thinking I needed to study more. Meanwhile, I have heard of and have known a lot of pastors who haven't even gone to seminary who have done a lot of damage to a lot of people. They just "hear a word from God", preach a candidating sermon, and then start trying to control other people's lives because they have an overinflated faith in their authority based on nothing but how sincere they think they are. And sadly many people in the pews (mostly women) know more, are more faithful, and are better leaders than some of these men could ever be.

So while, Freddy Krueger might haunt your dreams, the Dunning-Kruger Effect is the real nightmare. While Freddy slashes at your subconscious with that multi-bladed glove, the Dunning-Kruger Effect creeps into real life, convincing people that they're experts when they're often clueless. Freddy might be terrifying with his burns and fedora, but at least he only exists in horror films. The Dunning-Kruger Effect? It's everywhere, from boardrooms to dinner tables, from courtrooms to congregations, turning overconfidence into a weapon more destructive than Freddy's bladed glove—because ignorance with a side of arrogance is truly frightening!

I hope you totally got what I am sharing. If you do and you want to go deeper, find me on Linkedin or comment on the post. It's time to get comfortable with being uncomfortable because knowledge is always on the other side of making it through a challenging conversation.