If You Don't Like What's Being Said - Change the Conversation

Kudos to Olympic gold medal winner Simone Biles. When asked how it felt to be the next Usain Bolt or Michael Phelps, she said with a big smile, "I'm not the next Usain Bolt or Michael Phelps. I'm the first Simone Biles." Kudos!

It reminds me of a Saturday Night Live 40 year anniversary show with Tina Fey, Steve Martin, Eddie Murphy, Amy Poehler, Lorne Michaels and other alums sharing highlights. 

Former host Fran Leibowitz was asked if there was discrimination against women writers or performers on the show. She thought about it for a moment and said, "Here's the deal about being a girl. It's still not as good as being a boy. Why? Because you asked this question."

Exactly.

Last year, Wall Street Journal published an entire section on the topic of women in business with the title  What's Holding Women Back in the Workplace?

Argh. Do you see how that headline imprints and perpetuates that negative stereotype? They could just as easily have titled their feature Progress for Women in the Workplace and showcased the many organizations that are educating and elevating women leaders.

So, what's the point? Are you being unfairly labeled or stereotyped? Is someone accusing you of something unflattering or untrue?

Whatever you do, do NOT deny or repeat their negative accusation. If you do, you end up reinforcing, and perhaps even proving, their point.

Here's an example. While speaking at a women's leadership conference, an audience member asked, "Why are women so catty to each other?"

I knew that if I tried to refute her point with, "I don't think women are catty to each other," I would given it even more attention.

So, instead I said, "Ladies, let's change this conversation right here, right now. Let's agree to never ask or answer that question again. Because every time we do, we perpetuate that unwelcome stereotype. If that question - or some variation of it - comes up, let's say:

'You know what I've found? Women are real champions of each other. In fact, I'll always be grateful to ____ who _____' Then, name a specific woman who mentored you; supported you, recommended you. The only way to reverse this negative stereotype is by taking the initiative to showcase women who are modelling cooperation instead of competition."

From now on, if someone makes a sweeping generalization you disagree with, don't argue their point. Instead, switch the conversation to what you believe to be true. Introduce a real-life example of someone who is doing it well and right. Speak up for what you believe so you are changing people's perceptions and are "on the record" of what you want perpetuated.

A college professor in a recent Tongue Fu! training told me, "I am so glad you brought this up. I am tired of hearing people trash Millennials. They complain that they're entitled or bratty of that all they do is party, and I just don't agree with that.

You're right though. If I disagree with them, "I don't think 20-somethings are entitled,' that just launches a back-and-forth argument that serves no good purpose. From now on, I'll say, 'In my experience, 20-something's are really responsible. In fact, I have a student who is working two jobs to pay for her tuition...' That feels so much better. "

Exactly. Charlotte Bronte said, “Life is too short to be spent nursing animosity or registering wrongs.” Life is also too short to be spent reinforcing animosity and what's wrong. Focus on who is doing it right so we celebrate and perpetuate more of that.

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Sam Horn is the CEO of the Intrigue Agency and the Tongue Fu! Training Institute. Her 3 TEDx talks and 9 books have been featured in NY Times, on NPR, and presented to National Geographic, Accenture, Boeing, Fidelity, Capital One, Intel. Want Sam to share her inspiring LeadHership program with your group? Contact Cheri@IntrigueAgency.com.