You grow through what you go through: embracing failure -SV Clark

You grow through what you go through: Scarlett V Clark is CEO and Founder of Smart Girl Tribe and author of The Smart Girls Handbook

Even though failure is more valuable than success, it still holds a negative connotation, so we need to redefine and embrace it, says Scarlett V Clark

As a result of being in a world where it seems that everyone else is winning at life it is challenging to open up about failure despite the fact all people fail, every single day and in a myriad of ways. Whether failing personally or professionally, life lessons often come wrapped as mistakes.

Yet, how many of us would still voluntarily sway toward a life without failure or rejection if we were able to? Even though failure is more valuable than success, it still holds a negative connotation, so we need to redefine and embrace it.

Redefine failure

If we destigmatise failure, it loses its power. Rather than a colossal damaging experience, try and consider failure as data acquisition: the process of attaining the necessary data to mould you into the person you are destined to be. When embraced failure can be an opportunity for self-discovery, a chance to use past experience to inform the present and positively influence the future.

Accept failure and talk about it

Talking about failure provides a space for two individuals to connect deeply on a human level. The only thing you can control about failure is accepting it. Undoubtedly, expressing failures leaves us feeling vulnerable, however, when we verbalise these struggles and show our vulnerability, this gives friends/colleagues/team members the opportunity and bravery to be their imperfect self, ultimately having a positive outcome. Nowadays, there is little space to discuss failure given that we are living in a culture of curated perfection, where we compare our inner monologue to everyone else’s highlight reel. Failing, though, is one of the most vital experiences humans go through.

Reject comparison

The purpose of life is to each become the selves we are meant to be. The foundation of living in such an authentic way is built on the principles we each follow. It is about looking inside and asking what your values are. More often than not, we are failing in circumstances we are not actually attached to. On the whole, we are socially conditioned to people-please to the point that when we enter adulthood we outsource our lives and live according to other people’s perception of success and then feel the gut-wrenching realisation that we have failed even though you may have only failed at what other people deem important. Block out time for reflection in your day or week and cultivate a space to ponder on your own goals and desires.

Use it as a tool to learn

There is greater opportunity to grow from failure than success. Failing can cause immense pain but it is a choice to stay in that sadness – suffering is, after-all, optional. Life isn’t an easy breezy cruise ride, it is a fascinating, complex series of experiences. We have all been taught to be ashamed of failure, but there is an enormous amount to be learned from it.

Approach risk of failure intelligently

There is an underlying message that having failed, it is better to trail blaze ahead and push through the hurt, yet often failure leaves a nasty taste in our mouths. Indeed, social media has perpetuated the idea that failing is humiliating and therefore we naturally develop risk

averse tendencies. One way to embrace failure is through carrying out small experiments to evaluate the risk involved ahead of time. Address what may go wrong and the methods to fix it. Prior to purchasing, analyse whether it would be worth the risk, or before submitting that project, talk it through with others to see if it is as great as you hope.

Let it reaffirm your inner motivation

Failure is when something happens that isn’t part of our plan. It can be used as a way of reaffirming previous direction. The difference between the successful and the unsuccessful is their willingness to fail one more time. When you fail while chasing a dream or pursuing a goal and then rise back up you are sending out a signal that you still have an innate desire to achieve that dream.

Re-evaluate what safety means

When we win at something, our brains release endorphins, dopamine and serotonin which encourages us to engage in that undertaking again. However, when we fail our brains release cortisol, leaving us feeling unsafe. Failing reaffirms the self-limiting belief we develop as children and take into adulthood that we are not enough and incites us to not take a similar risk again. According to psychologists, avoidance induces anxiety surrounding the potential negative aftermath which subsequently impairs performance. To prevent this, tell yourself that it is safe to fail.

Reimagine your failure

Studies show that it is possible to edit our past failures by envisioning them shrinking or with funny details. Every time we recall a previous experience, our brains change our memory of it so by picturing your failure as something entertaining you can dim its detriment on your brain. Our brains naturally rewrite our memories, it really upgrades them to be more useful in the present moment as time goes on, so why not make your failing an entertaining footnote in your story rather than a whole chapter?

Find a mentor

One of the most effective ways to become a better leader and problem-solver is to talk to those around you, find someone you trust to guide your learning. Together you can revise your strategy, make corrections, educate yourself that bit more and not allow that temporary setback to break you. A mentor is an outsider who can objectively see the experience for what it is. By dissecting it your mindset will change from ‘failure is bad’ to ‘failure is good’. Together you will be able to move forward and understand everything you have learned.

Change your terminology

When unable to have a baby, doctors sometimes say that the woman has an incompetent uterus or when hearts are unable to pump blood around the body, we refer to this as heart failure. Failure always has and continues to hold a negative connotation, resulting in us beating ourselves up when not succeeding. Yet failure is the process of acquiring knowledge which is ironically a very positive thing. Instead of blaming yourself and constantly repeating ‘I’m not enough’ move past the negative terminology. Obsessing over it won’t change the

outcome and will instead intensify it, preventing you from moving on. Shift your perspective by refusing to repeat the following: ‘If I fail, I am incapable, incompetent, stupid and/or not enough’ and rather associate the failure with positivity terminology such as ‘If I fail, I am more knowledgeable with thanks to the awareness I have gained through failing.’

Failure is inevitable but each of us has the choice to either allow it to erode our mind or be a valuable learning curve. Failure isn’t ominous or intimidating, but rather a source of feedback. Through embracing it not only will you overcome shame and become a better problem-solver but will become the person you are destined to be.

Scarlett V Clark is CEO and Founder of Smart Girl Tribe and author of The Smart Girls Handbook, published by Trigger on 4 March 2021.