Are you listening?

‘The fundamental cause of nearly all communication problems is that people don’t listen to understand; they listen to reply.’ 

This insight from leadership experts John Maxwell and Les Parrott hit me right between the eyes. It refers to a classic trap we all fall into regularly, especially when we are stressed or under time pressure.

My husband used to tell me I was particularly guilty of this, often completing his sentences before he even finished what he had to say. He was right.

How often do we jump to conclusions before our children complete their often slow and meandering explanation of what happened to them on the playground, how they fell short in a test, or when they are spilling the beans about a friendship break-up? How many of us are really listening to our colleagues during meetings as we fight for airtime to be seen and recognised, and to stand out, ourselves?

Are you missing the point?

Conversation is actually a really poor form of communication precisely because we are listening with the intention to reply to the other person rather than really dropping fully into the present and hearing them. We are always in the process of moving beyond this conversation to a solution, sometimes missing the point, making the person who is speaking feel sidelined.

We mistakenly prioritise expressing our own ideas and feelings instead of giving people what they want in a communication transaction – to be heard, respected and understood. This is a skill we all need to learn, but it is particularly important if you are leading a team in business or raising a family.

Listening between the lines

This means listening not only to what is being said, but to what is ‘between the lines’. It means tuning in and listening with your heart, not only your ears. 

Maxwell calls this ‘listening aggressively’. I call it ‘listening with intention’, to hear not only the words, but to what is not being said. It requires you to be fully present, in the moment, whether you are communicating with your child, your partner, a friend or a colleague at work. 

Strategies for listening intentionally 

If you want to listen with both your ears and your heart:

• Disconnect from technological distractions
• Be open and not defensive
• Be curious: you don’t have all the answers, and you may be surprised
• Don’t jump to conclusions
• Try to understand where the other person is coming from.

The gift of undivided attention

According to Caspar Craven, author of Be More Human, ‘There is little that is more powerful (and rare) in this world than for someone else to give you their undivided attention and for you to feel seen, listened to, understood and heard. The acid test is to demonstrate that understanding by acting on it. 

It can start with the simple idea of just saying back to someone what you’ve heard them say. That is rare in itself. Trust builds when you actually act upon what you’ve heard, doing something deliberate and specific that shows that you really understand what is important to them. By showing that you really care.’

Unclog your ears and open your heart

There is great truth in the old adage that people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. If you really care and you want to make your child, spouse, partner, colleague, team member or boss feel respected and validated, then unclog your ears and open your heart. Listen with your whole being. That’s real listening!

It takes some practise to listen with intention, but it’s well worth it the connectedness, engagement and idea generation that result. Learning how to listen well in teams is Communication 101 – an essential part of training. 

Bear in mind that you have two ears and one mouth, so you should listen twice as much as you speak. 

Here's to more intentional listening.