You Are Never Alone

Prior to my current employment, it had been years since I worked far from the comfort and protection of my home and my loved ones. Being work from home had made me feel like I had completely beaten back the demons of the many diagnosed mental health conditions successfully. Going back to an office and having to constantly socialize (a major trigger of my internal struggles), has brought me crashing down to the reality of the diagnosis that my mental health conditions are, in fact, a struggle that will continue until the day my time comes to pass. 

And it has nothing to do with where I work or who I work with. That’s the scary part—knowing that everything is within. There are days where I fear going to work. So, I go ridiculously early to have the office and its deafening silence all to myself. There are days when I judge myself to be terrible at what I do and altogether worthless. This despite all indications to the contrary. So, there are moments that I run away to a quiet place to break down completely and cry. There are times I become overly conscious of who I am and despise myself completely. So, I withdraw and hide from everyone, blocking the outside noise with endlessly loud music.

I work hard, though. Don’t get me wrong. One upside of all I carry is a stubborn and persistent drive to succeed and excel. That’s where the “high functioning” tag comes in. Neither am I starved of support from those who never have an inkling with what I wrestle with inside. It’s just important for me to admit, to myself mostly, that I have not fully overcome and the struggle continues.

I write this because I know there are those out there like me who have to “go back.” And go back to more or less the same fears and internal struggles that I go through, that we go through.

This is for you.

Here are a few things I’ve learned from the past three months working hybrid.

1.   Never forget your constants. Never forget your tribe, the people who know you, who know what you’re going through. Be extra open to them and never be afraid to share what you struggle with. They don’t have to be in the same office as you so long as you know who you can turn to at any time. I am extremely fortunate. The small creative team I work with are the most loving people I have ever come across—on top of being amazingly talented. They make me feel appreciated, welcome, supported, and loved every moment. It has been a big deal in those quiet moments where I struggle the most. They listen to me when I need it and always watch out for what’s best for me even when I don’t. If you have the same? Treasure them. Value them. They make showing up far easier. Want to know who your tribe is? They’re the ones you open up to who will listen and not just tell you “it’s alright.”

2.   Always remember that you are good at what you do. That’s why you were hired. You aren’t perfect, of course. You will fail from time to time. You might even occasionally fail very badly. That’s ok. No one expects your perfection—neither should you. Don’t beat yourself up over the slip-ups. Own up to them and stand up again. The only unsurvivable failure is one that kills you. In moments of self-doubt, in moments of failure—run to your constants and your tribe. Tell them your doubts, fears, worries—and then allow them to tell you where you’re strong. Having someone believe in you makes all the difference. A bad moment, a bad hour, a bad day does not make for a bad life ever.

3.   Run away if you have to. Things sometimes get so overwhelming internally for me that I become restless. It’s ok to take time off to run away for a few moments. Run to your car, run to the car park, run to the furthest and most isolated place in your office. Run away to walk around the block to clear your head, gather your thoughts and situate yourself. Run away just to cry if you have to. There is no shame in that, I do it to.

4.   Be open. The only thing you should never run away from are your responsibilities. But it’s also ok to acknowledge when you can’t do something by a particular time. It’s ok to ask for help. It’s ok to occasionally say no. Being open to others can be very hard for people like us but it goes a long way to ensuring that you aren’t completely and utterly overwhelmed—which will only make the internal struggles worse.

5.   Treat yourself. We work to pay the bills, we work to support our families, we work to rise up the ranks. Those are already givens. What isn’t so given is that you also work for yourself. Don’t feel guilty about spending on the little things you love, the little things that make you happy. So long as it won’t leave you hungry and struggling or worse, in debt: buy that Switch game, watch that movie, treat yourself to that expensive lunch or overly expensive artisanal affogato whatever. It’s part of valuing yourself and appreciating what you’ve been able to accomplish.

6.   Lastly, show the fuck up. Do you ever feel like you’re not good enough? Do you ever feel that you’re not strong enough? Let me tell you a secret. For people like us, showing up every single day, even when the internal struggles weigh heavily is a huge act of courage. It’s bravery on levels that most other might not even be capable of. Show up and do your best. That’s all you ever have to do. And when you make it out of a particularly tough and struggling day—be proud of yourself. You’ve won one battle against your mental health conditions for one day. That is more than enough. 

If these resonate with you, also know that you can send me a message anytime you need someone to listen. I may not be able to solve what you’re suffering through, I may not be able to understand fully what you’re struggling with, but I will listen to you and be there for you because no one has to face their darkest days alone.