Are you a people pleaser?

Are you a people pleaser?

• Do you prioritize others’ needs, wants, and happiness, often at the expense of your own wellbeing? 
• Do you feel guilty when you focus on your own needs over others’?
• Do you go out of your way to avoid conflict or confrontation?
• Do you alter your opinions or actions to fit the mold of others’ expectations? 
• Do you have difficulty saying “no” or setting and communicating your boundaries?

If you answered yes to these questions, you may be a people pleaser. 

What’s wrong with being a people pleaser?

At first glance, being a people pleaser doesn’t seem so bad. After all, who doesn’t want to feel liked and respected, make someone’s life easier, or be a source of support? 

In reality, people pleasing is an insidious behavior; a coping mechanism that makes us leave our own needs and values behind. We tell ourselves that without bending to others’ wishes, we simply aren’t good enough. Over time, this leads to burnout, resentment, low self-esteem, and an inability to build healthy relationships with others.

But when we take the time to understand and identify our values and boundaries, avoiding people-pleasing tendencies becomes easier — and instead of harming ourselves and our relationships, we can strengthen our resilience muscle and form more genuine connections with those around us.

How to set a boundary and stop being a people pleaser

A healthy boundary is one that is understood, communicated, and respected by all parties — including ourselves. All too often, we might personally understand what is unacceptable, but we fail to communicate to others about what they should do instead.

If you are a people pleaser, here are 4 steps to set a boundary:

1. Start small. Think of one specific area of your life where you could benefit from a clear boundary, whether at work or at home. (What do you complain about? It’s probably time to set a boundary there).
2. Explain what is not acceptable and an alternative that is.
3. Communicate it clearly and succinctly. Keep it simple.
4. Share why it is important.

For example, when your manager asks to add another project to your plate, you could set and communicate a boundary by saying something like, “I’d love to help. I have quite a few projects on my plate right now. I’d like to make sure we are aligned on what’s most important.” 

Or if you are working nights and weekends, you could say, “My time with family is important to me. Here are the current projects I’m working on. Let’s figure out the best way to re-prioritize these projects so that I’m able to finish my workday by 5:00 PM.”

Just remember

Every time you say “yes” to something, you say “no” to something else. We train people how to treat us, and unfortunately, if we don’t believe we deserve to be a priority, no one else will either.

Once you decide what’s off-limits, stick to it. Providing context is fine, but don’t apologize for saying no, and don’t negotiate the decision with yourself or others. 

And if you are worried about what other people think, remind yourself that you are telling a “story” to yourself about what they may be thinking. In actuality, what other people think about you is none of your business.

You only get one chance to live, love, and navigate this thing called life. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself, your needs, and what you believe in. Remember to protect your peace.

A people pleasing parable

An old man and a young boy were traveling through their village with their donkey. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people who remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.”  They then decided they both would walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying “how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey”. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal, and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye.