But Are You Really Listening?

What does good listening sound like?

(silence)

That’s right – nothing. But how can the sound of nothing be so important? Well, because communication makes up more than 70% of our day, with about 55% of that time devoted to listening. With listening being such an important factor in clear communication, isn’t it time you learned to tweak this essential skill?

Good listening starts with being quiet. When you give a speaker your full attention and resist the urge to fill empty silences with small talk, you can better reflect on what’s being said. Being a good listener isn’t just a sign of respect for a speaker. It holds tons of benefits. For starters, listening lets you better understand a message and formulate a thoughtful response when it’s time to reply. It also improves relationships, enhances productivity, and demonstrates empathy. At the end of the day, these benefits reduce conflict and confusion – two very avoidable pitfalls of poor listening.

So, sit back and listen to some easy tips that will help you become a better communicator by first becoming a better listener.

First step: Get comfortable

Find a physical position so you can be fully engaged with the speaker. Be aware of your posture because body language can say a lot. It says so much that roughly 90% of what we convey isn’t even in our actual words – it’s in things like our facial expressions and tone of voice. So, avoid crossing your arms or making a funny face; instead, try an open posture, such as leaning in slightly, or resting your hands comfortably on a chair’s arms. If it’s culturally acceptable, make eye contact. Using minor verbal acknowledgements or nodding your head are both great ways to let the speaker know you’re listening and understand their message.

Second step: Stop anticipating what someone wants to say

Keep an open mind. When you’re engaged in conversation, you often start formulating a response before the speaker even completes their sentence. Sometimes, you verbally personalize their message based on your feelings and experiences. While this might help you find common ground with the other person, it could rob you of a chance to truly connect and understand what they’re feeling. 

Try to step out of your shoes and consider another’s perspective – making the effort to imagine something someone is saying rather than thinking about how to verbally respond means you’ll start remembering a lot more of what’s being said. Don’t believe me? Then imagine a square. Easy, right? Now imagine someone explaining to you what a square is. What are you going to remember, the image of the square or its definition? This is because words live in our short-term memories, while images stick with us for the long run.

Third step: Stay present

Our thoughts flow amazingly rapidly – anywhere from 1,000 to 3,000 words per minute! But when it comes to listening, we’re not so swift. Most of us can only digest about 125 to 250 words per minute when we’re listening, more reason to give a speaker your full attention. So, remember to stay present. If the speaker asks for input, provide it. If there’s a lull in the conversation, don’t feel like you must speak or make small talk to fill the silence. Sometimes the best response isn’t even a verbal one. Think about it – what’s better, speaking for the sake of it or connecting with another person by letting yourself be mindful and in the moment?

Fourth step: Respond only when necessary

If you do have to respond, don’t be judgemental or critical. Show the speaker you were listening to by repeating what they just said. We hear a lot of information every day, but many of us remember less than 25% of it. So, echoing someone’s words not only confirms you heard them accurately, but it encourages them to reflect on their message and either rephrase or validate it.

Fifth step: Seek to understand, then be understood

Finally, ask the speaker what they expect from you. If they’re not looking for a solution, don’t offer one. Good listening isn’t about providing answers, it’s about letting the other person know they’ve been understood. A listener’s role can be as simple as helping the speaker feel comfortable during and after a conversation and giving them a chance to find their answers

Bringing it all together

Now it’s time to put your listening skills to the test. Over the next few weeks, try out some of these tips. If it makes you feel more comfortable, let people know you’re working on your listening skills and ask them for feedback. When others know you’re working to improve, they’ll be glad to help. And you never know, you might even inspire them to become better listeners too. See? You’re already ahead of the game.

Thanks for listening.

Ask me how I can help you develop emotional intelligence

Learning to listen better is a critical component of becoming a more emotionally intelligent leader because it allows you to learn more about the speaker and appreciate their perspectives. To learn how to develop your EQ, build healthier habits, and lead with more clarity in your life, ask me how I can help.

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