Your Friend Shield: The Recognized Forms of Immunity from Racism, Misogyny, Homophobia, Antisemitism, and Other Bigotries

Ah, you know your judo well.

The time-honored tradition of not being racist (or misogynistic, homophobic, antisemitic, etc.) because, well, you have that one friend. You know, the one person who grants you instant immunity from all forms of bigotry simply by existing in your life. Think Rent-A-Negro.

This immunity, akin to a magical shield, protects you from any accusation of holding harmful biases, right?

WRONG.

Let’s be clear: having a friend, family member, partner, or random acquaintance from a marginalized group doesn’t give you a “get out of bigotry free” card.

Wouldn't it be amazing if the world worked that way? You could casually flaunt your immunity, confident that no one could ever call you out for anything problematic.

Here’s the real breakdown of recognized forms of "immunity"—you know, the real ways people try to dodge responsibility for their biased behavior:

1. The “I Have a [Insert Marginalized Group Here] Friend” Vaccine

Classic. You’ve seen this one before. Someone says something overtly discriminatory, and when called out, their first line of defense is, “But I have a [Black/gay/Jewish/etc.] friend!”

As if their proximity to someone from a marginalized group wipes away their harmful words like a magic eraser.

Side Effects: Tone-deaf statements at parties, on social media, or neighborhood threads, awkward conversations where your marginalized friend or acquaintance has to explain why your comment was problematic.

2. The “Dated One Once” Vaccine

The rules are simple: date someone from a marginalized group one time, and boom—lifelong immunity! Better than the COVID-19 vaccine.

Got called out for being misogynistic? No worries, you once dated a feminist in college. Said something homophobic? It’s okay, you briefly dated someone who was bi in the early 2000s.

Just say the words “My ex was…” and watch the criticisms dissolve.

Disclaimer: This inoculation seems to have an expiration date… oh wait, it doesn’t exist.

3. The Family Member Shield

One of the more commonly recognized “bigot repellents” is claiming a family member as your shield.

Got called out for anti-immigrant rhetoric? Not possible, your cousin’s wife’s nephew is Mexican. Said something misogynistic? Can’t be, you have a mother.

It's like people think being related to someone automatically transforms them into a champion of social justice!

Warning: These shields may result in family dinners filled with uncomfortable silence and judgmental side-eye.

4. The Proximity Potion

This form of immunity is conjured by nothing more than physical proximity to people who are marginalized.

Grew up in a diverse neighborhood? Went to a “woke” university? Worked in an office with a Pride flag once? Congratulations—you’re a certified bigotry-free zone!

The catch? You can still be as problematic as anyone who didn’t grow up in a melting pot. Shocker, right?

5. The “Donated Once” Defense

For those really serious about their immunity, there’s the next-level defense: the “I donate to causes” shield.

You gave $20 to Black Lives Matter once, so now you’re completely untouchable. Who cares if you just made a sexist joke? You donated, dammit.

Bonus points if you make the donation right after getting called out. Nothing says sincerity like a last-minute Venmo payment.

6. The “I Can’t Be…” Defense

This is when someone pulls out the ultimate defense mechanism: “I can’t be racist, misogynistic, or homophobic because I’m [fill in the blank].”

Just because you're part of one marginalized group doesn't mean you’re immune to holding biases toward another. Humans are remarkably complex that way. Even marginalized folks can have blind spots!

Please don't bring up reverse racism.

7. The “I Mean Well” Clause

The “I’m not a bigot, I just didn’t mean it that way” loophole.

Because apparently, bigotry is only bigotry if the intent behind it is malicious. Oh, you didn’t intend to be sexist? That’s great—misogyny always considers intent before causing harm, and it doesn’t.

Terms and Conditions Apply: Saying "I didn’t mean to offend" does not erase offense.

So, What Actually Shields You from Bigotry?

Funny thing: there’s no magic formula, no instant cure-all, vaccine or elixir that makes you invincible to being called out.

Here’s the uncomfortable truth—nobody is completely free of bias. We all have to recognize that and actively work against it. That means listening when someone points out a blind spot, learning from your mistakes, and understanding that no amount of diverse friends, family members, or past relationships will ever exempt you from the hard work of growth.

So, while it might be tempting to pull out that one Black friend as a shield next time someone calls you on your stuff, here’s a more radical idea: stop relying on social proximity for protection.

Instead, try being open to feedback, doing the inner work, and actually standing up against bigotry. That’s the real immunity.

If you’re still looking for a shortcut, I hear Amazon might be selling “I’m not a bigot because I have diverse friends” T-shirts soon. You might want to check that out.

Searching for ways to build trust, connection, and deeper understanding of friends, colleagues, and/or your team: Learn more about Djembe: Inspiring Inclusive Connections.

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Author’s Note: This blog is dedicated to all the “I have a friend who…” folks out there. You know who you are.