Your infertile colleagues

With next week being Fertility Week (28th October -3rd November), I wanted to share something that I wrote a while ago but I have been nervous to share on here. Talking about fertility might be a bit of a no no for LinkedIn but for me, going through infertility issues whilst at work became a huge thing for me and massively impacted my relationships at work, not to mention my career. I am now proud mother to two wonderful boys but I still remember how raw my feelings were at the time of desperately wanting to have a family but not being able to. I have written a lot privately about fertility and infertility and have contributed to several books on the topic, but I realised the audience of those thoughts might be confined to people who are actually going through it themselves or some of my close friends and family who have followed my journey. I realised that actually people who should be reading it are people who don’t know much about the subject or how deeply painful it can be.

Being in an office environment, you are always going to be surrounded by people at completely different stages of their lives. Most of the time, you will know from chatting to people, getting to know them and by visible signs what their personal situation is but there may be a silent group of people in your office who are going through struggles with infertility. I was one of those silent people for the best part of three years so I wanted to share a small part of my story.

Being a woman in my early 30’s in an office full of mainly women, I was surrounded by people having babies, being on maternity leave and generally talking about children. Adding to the fact I worked in HR, I really was exposed to absolutely everything to do with maternity which made my situation harder to cope with. For years I suffered in silence as I congratulated pregnant colleagues and attended (and sometimes organised) baby showers. I would often have to go to the bathroom to have a cry when another lady walked into the office with a beaming smile to say “guess what, I am pregnant” or when another birth announcement came in. I was happy for them, of course I was, but life felt incredibly unfair. I couldn’t wait for it to be my turn but as the months and years ticked by, I started to wonder if it would ever be. Enduring years of people at work asking if my husband and I were going to have kids was difficult as well. My responses became more and more strained. I would make something up about us wanting to travel more and just enjoy being married but it started to become very difficult to hold it together and lie. It was only after having a miscarriage when I composing a text message to essentially lie to my boss about why I couldn’t come in that day that it suddenly occurred to me that I shouldn’t be keeping this a secret. I couldn’t pretend I was just feeling a bit under the weather, I had just lost a much wanted baby. I was in physical and emotional agony that wouldn’t go away with a couple of painkillers and some rest.

At that point, I felt brave enough to own up to my situation and start to tell people what was going on and what had been going on for a long time. It wasn’t an easy thing for me to admit to but I found that by opening up to colleagues, it really helped me to turn a corner and made my daily work life a lot more bearable. When I had to go through IVF whilst working, my honesty about the process I was going through made it easier for me to explain why I needed time off, why my emotions were all over the place and why I may need to excuse myself if someone brought their new baby into the office. Unfortunately it didn’t get rid of all the silly comments and questions I got on a regular basis but it certainly helped my own mental well-being.

I wanted to provide a bit of advice, a sort of list of things to do and avoiding doing to colleagues (both men and women) potentially going through this;

· In the very first instance NEVER ask anyone if they are planning on having children. This is absolutely 100% none of your business. You don’t know if they even want children, you don’t know if they are struggling to conceive, you don’t know that they aren’t already pregnant and trying to keep it secret. Just don’t ask….ever ever ever!

· If someone opens up to discuss their fertility struggles with you then that is great news that they feel comfortable enough to tell you what is an enormously emotional experience for them. Make sure that you listen to them and then ask them what support they need from you.

· Avoid the temptation to make comments like "if you just relax, it will happen!" or "I know someone who got pregnant by trying.....". If there is a way for them to try to get pregnant, they will have been there and done that. They will have read every last piece of information in every book and on every website. They will probably have spent a small fortune on reflexology, acupuncture, romantic weekends and holidays, books, herbs and potentially even spent their life savings on fertility treatment.

· Avoid the temptation to list the reasons why they don’t really want children. This is not helpful.

· Avoid the temptation to suggest they get a dog instead. This is also not helpful. Dogs are amazing, but they can’t completely replace the desire to have a baby. 

·Protect your colleague from potentially harmful situations. If someone nearby is going on and on about their pregnancy, perhaps steer the conversation in another direction or take your colleague for a cup of tea for a few minutes. Help them to find an excuse not to go to a baby shower or send off for someone going on maternity leave. Give them space if they need a few minutes to themselves sometimes.

·By talking to you, they have already faced a huge hurdle of acceptance of their situation, so make sure that you never give them a reason to regret opening up to you. Keep their information secret unless they ask you to share it. 

One final topic, a situation that is perhaps the hardest. If you are lucky enough to be pregnant but are not sure how to act around your colleague who you know is struggling to conceive or who you suspect might not be able to, I have put a few tips down to help you reduce causing upset;

·Avoid telling someone that might be struggling to conceive (or you know for a fact is going through a difficult time with it) that you are pregnant in person. It is much better to send a sensitive text, email whats app message that allows them to digest the information and respond to you with congratulations in their own time and way. If you put someone on the spot with your good news, they are going to do their best to congratulate you but their initial reaction might be to run away and cry. Let them do that on their own time.

· Remember that your colleague is happy for you. Even if they might not seem very excited about your pregnancy in person, they are happy for you. They just might be struggling with their own feelings of sadness and despair.

· Don't avoid your colleague but be prepared that they might want to avoid you. This isn't because they don't like you any more or are trying to be mean. For self-preservation, they might just need a bit of space from you so they can deal with their pain alone. Do still invite them to things for example baby showers, or to meet your new baby when you bring him or her into the office but don’t be upset or cross with them if they don't come. Don't question their excuse too much, even if it sounds a bit 'lame'.

· Try not to make negative remarks about being pregnant. Pregnancy isn't always easy, you might be really suffering but try to save the moans for your partner or other pregnant friends or colleagues. When someone is struggling with infertility, it can be so painful to hear people moaning about something that they so desperately want.

· If you feel brave enough, be open about the elephant in the room and ask them if there is anything you can do to make the situation easier on them.

If you are going through infertility struggles yourself, consider talking to people at work about it. Even if your colleagues are not going through their own struggles, you being honest with them will help them understand and hopefully avoid awkward situations or conversations that will make you feel sad.

You really are not alone.