Your Professional Backpack By Holly Schneider, LCSW Author & LCSW, Organizational Life Coach for Delta Defense, LLC

When I wrote Carry Your Own Backpack in 2021, my goal was to give people insights about healthy boundaries — to offer clarity on what belongs to them, others and God. Boundaries are something that many struggle with in life. We’re often given mixed messages about how to behave from those who lead us. Sometimes we are told, “Quit asking questions and just do it.” Other times: “Be assertive and speak up.” Messages are continually changing based on circumstances, moods or pressing agendas. 

If you are higher in empathy, you might worry about the emotions of others, which interferes with getting tasks done. If you are low on the empathy spectrum, you are likely to make assumptions and not have the right conversations to address needs as they arise. 

Being balanced internally is not easy. Alignment is about knowing what belongs to you emotionally and making productive choices based on this, regardless of circumstances. What belongs to you is how you think and feel and what you choose to do about it. This includes the attitude you keep and how you communicate around your needs. What belongs to others is exactly the same. When you emotionally carry what belongs to others, you get bogged down in areas outside of your control. When we consciously let go of what emotionally belongs to others, relationships become healthier. Giving too much energy to what others say or do creates judgments and resentments that are unhelpful.

Your alignment happens when your thoughts, emotions and behaviors all go in the direction of your intended values. When you are either amped up or disengaged, your perspective distorts and you make choices based on old habits rather than on careful intention. If, for example, you are exhausted from a long day and your boss throws another need your way, it is normal to experience negative thoughts when the trigger first occurs. People commonly experience an initial reaction, which does not match up with their real intention. 

Here are some common initial responses to triggered stress:  

“I can’t add one more thing to my plate.”

“Why do I work here? I am not effective.”

“Nobody appreciates how much I am doing.” 

“Now I have to pivot again. Why does she always do this to me?”

Each mindset is unproductive, filled with personal bias. Narratives nurture your triggered emotions. They give false direction to your behavior, causing you to feel stuck. If you take time to pause you give yourself room to prioritize and place the need into the big-picture process. This process allows frustration to dissipate.

Examine the internal patterns that interrupt your professional life: 

• Seeking validation from others
• Feeling like achievement defines your identity
• Fitting in or being accepted 
• Continually wanting more money
• Being heard or noticed for what you do
• Worrying about performance markers 
• Managing difficult conversations
• Getting work done with tight deadlines and unrealistic expectations
• Advancing your career (professional development) 
• Staying on top of digital advancements
• Spending quality time with family and friends
• Having enough time for self-care
• Wondering constantly if you are doing enough

Which of these do you relate to? I often tell our employees that if you are not stressed, you are likely not pushing yourself hard enough. Although you need stress to perform at your highest, it is a balancing act to manage it so it does not manage you. Your internal dialogue about your stress affects your experience. Listening to your body, noticing your thoughts and honoring your limits is critical to sustaining meaningfulness. 

When it comes to impact, what you think you are doing and what others see you doing may not always match up. Most feel that their boundaries are healthy, but when you have vulnerable conversations with those you trust, you might hear how others experience you differently. 

As professionals, we get lazy when we get comfortable. This is similar to patterns in our personal relationships. 

For instance, when you start a job, you are likely working the hardest on yourself. It is important to show people what you are capable of doing, wanting to be seen in a positive light for competence. You show up early, stay late, take on more tasks, and make sure people know what you are doing to help. Like in the early stages of a personal relationship, you work hard at staying fit and communicate in a positive way. Until you get comfortable. Then you can be real. You can look like a mess, have a meltdown or be in a bad mood. Comfort can lead to being an emotionally uglier version of yourself. 

I often remind people that the longer you are in a relationship, whether this is personal or professional, the more your responsibility grows. The work you do to improve yourself grows each year. You should never reach the point that you quit growing. Learning, nurturing relationships and trying new things are keys to living a positive existence. When you get lazy and give excuses for your behavior, you are atrophying. This leads to conflict. 

These are poor boundary signals that you are atrophying rather than growing: 

• Complaining about rather than collaborating on solutions to the problems that arise
• Comparing yourself to others, stuck in distorted narratives 
• Criticizing yourself or others, which is utterly unproductive
• Covering up the real problem by pleasing people or putting a bandaid on problems to avoid the hassle (i.e., the “just make it go away” philosophy) 
• Carrying the problems of others emotionally, spending energy and time on what belongs to others and hanging on to the stress

Which of these C’s do you need to address in yourself? Examine your relationships carefully. Are you stuck in patterns that send you down a spiral of misery? The good news is that you can change that. When you notice what you are doing, you have the ability to direct it forward. When you call it out, you release the energy that is held inside. Daniel Seigel referred to this method as “name it to tame it,” saying that when you name an emotion or experience openly, it diffuses the reaction internally. This points to why you feel lighter after you share information that is bothering you. Finally, direct your attention toward a productive thought or task. When you consciously decide what you are doing to be healthier, you will feel the alignment inside.

Example 1:  

1. Observe the pattern. Oh I am comparing myself again. This is unhelpful.
2. Call it out. I don’t do that anymore. I am letting that thought go.
3. Direct toward intention. I am going to refocus my energy onto…

Example 2:

1. Observe the pattern. I am noticing my people-pleasing pattern.
2. Call it out. This is my signal to be assertive and give voice to my needs. 
3. Direct toward intention. I will share my needs openly at the next meeting.

Follow this method. Whenever you find yourself in one of these boundary traps, this formula helps. Lather, rinse and repeat until it automates.

Carry your professional backpack securely. Focus on what is in your control while stretching your growth to be better every day.