Is your self-talk serving you?

From word choice to body language to tone, we know a lot about how we use language to communicate effectively with other people. By contrast, we know little about how we talk to ourselves, even though ninety-six percent of adults report a steady stream of self-talk being a fixture in their lives. 

This limited understanding is troubling as there’s a direct link between our thoughts and our sense of self-confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem. Our thoughts dictate 1) the actions we take, 2) how we feel about the impact of those actions and, thus, 3) ourselves. Bad thoughts end up meaning we’re a bad person. And that's, of course, bad and untrue.

Thanks to research out of Queen’s University, we know that many of the thoughts we have relate to the same topic. The Queen’s researchers call these thought worms. Our minds will stick with a thought worm for a bit and then something else catches our attention, and we hop to a new worm. About 6,000 thought worms squiggle through our brains per day.

Day in and day out, we move through the world with words directing mental traffic toward various emotions, actions, and outcomes. As most of us want to live ever-more fulfilling lives, you’d think our default mental setting would be to conjure thoughts that lead to positive, productive action. Alas, the balance of our thoughts, upwards of 80%, are negative. 

Your negative self-talk may circle around career woes. Mine has historically been about body image. We’ve all got our things.

Negative thinking is a serious matter. Self-sabotage thrives on negative self-talk. This internal dialogue can lead to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues, including Imposter Syndrome which, in turn, leads to anxiety and depression. It’s a negative feedback loop to end all negative feedback loops.

We’ve all experienced this, but let’s daylight how it works:

It’s Saturday morning. You’re in your pajamas, sipping coffee, and making blueberry banana pancakes. You flip a pancake. It lands on the floor, not back in the pan. No one is around to see this missed flip so how you respond is entirely up to you. You have at least two options:

#1: You pick up the pancake, toss it in the compost bin, and think: “Good thing I made lots of batter. One ruined pancake is no big deal.” You savor your coffee, make another pancake, and move on with your day.

#2: You slam the spatula on the counter and think: “Of course I missed the flip. I’m such a loser. I can’t do anything right. Gawd. Further proof I’m worthless.” You slurp your coffee, toss the rest of the batter, and huff out of the kitchen hungry and deflated.

Objectively, one bad flip doesn’t mean you’re a loser. It actually has no bearing on your character. #1 is the logical response. Meh and move on. But more often than not, we go for some version of #2. Ouch. Why? 

Humans are prone to negativity because our subconscious minds want to keep us safe. So our minds are constantly on the lookout for threats. Unfortunately, we aren’t great at actually knowing what’s a threat and what isn’t. A pancake on the floor feels as dangerous as a charging tiger on the tundra. This contributes to us making the mental leap from pancake on the floor to “I’m a complete failure at everything.” That’s giving a lot of power away to a pancake.

The good news is: you’re the author of your self-talk. No one but you gets to decide what goes on in your head. 

Here’s the question to ask: is your self-talk serving you? Is it getting you the results you want? Do you feel better or worse about yourself when negative thoughts crowd out positive or neutral ones? Yes, no, maybe so?

Changing your thought patterns can be challenging. These thoughts have worn deep grooves in your mind. For most of us, they’ve been on repeat since we were little. The words may have changed, but the topics remain largely the same. For now, all you need to do is start noticing your thoughts and asking yourself: are these thoughts serving me?

With curiosity, and as little judgment as possible, answer the question honestly. If most of the time, your answer is “no”, can you upgrade the thought by changing one word? For instance, maybe you go from:

“Of course I missed the flip.” (negative)

To:

“I missed the flip.” (neutral)

Eventually, you might be ready to upgrade the thought to an encouraging one, but don’t go too fast. You’re subconscious will view too much positivity too fast as a linguistic lion baring its teeth (i.e. a threat). Take it slow. Inch your way toward your self-talk serving you.

It has taken me years to get my self-talk to consistently serve me. I went from having a very bossy voice berating me about eating dessert to having a calm, compassionate voice that gently says, “If you want a cookie, go for it. Trust yourself. You got this.” 

I pay close attention to the tone I’m using with myself. Is it kind and accepting? Or chippy and rude? How we talk to ourselves is as important as what we say. If changing words feels daunting, use the same words and change your tone. See how it feels. 

Sometimes the bossy lady pops up and verbally yanks the cookie out of my hand. I thank her for caring and send her on her way. No hungry lions here. Just a yummy cookie.

For now, start noticing and, if you want, playing with your words and your tone. What does “in service” sound like to you?

You're talking to yourself anyway. Why not make those words work for you versus against you?

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