Your Team Member Doesn't Want To Talk About Their Mental Health: Here's Why & What To Do
Melissa Doman, M.A.
Organizational Psychologist | Mental Health at Work Specialist | Author | Former Clinical Mental Health Therapist | LinkedIn Top Voice
I want to get something out of the way before you read any further:
Your team members are not obligated to talk to you about their mental health. That's their information and their choice to share or not share with you. But, they should feel they have the option, not the obligation to do so. And most importantly, if this has been an uncomfortable or scary process for you as a people leader, that's totally understandable! So, how do address situations like these? Let's explore.
In the last few years, we’ve all become much more conscious of how our mental health influences our work. Better late than never amiright? Since the pandemic kicked off, it’s become a front and center topic, even if businesses weren’t ready (or willing) to talk about it.
As a manager, you’ve (hopefully) taken it a step further — you try to keep in touch with your team to make sure everyone’s doing relatively ok.
With your increased awareness, you may have started to notice when one of your team members isn’t doing so well. Maybe they’re acting differently, struggling to keep up with deadlines, or seem distracted in meetings. They’re off their baseline as you know it to be.
You’re concerned about them and how they might be feeling. So you tried talking to them about it, but they flat out refused to discuss it with you.
So, what do you do now?
The first step is understanding why an employee may not want to talk about their mental health, especially with their manager, so you can effectively learn how to navigate this situation.
WHY ARE SOME PEOPLE HESITANT TO TALK ABOUT THEIR MENTAL HEALTH?
Many people are concerned to open up about their mental health because of these common fears:
These (very reasonable) fears develop due to stimuli from our environment — not to mention the increase in stress, anxiety, depression, and insomnia symptoms because of the pandemic.¹
They can also stem from each person’s life experiences — like gender, cultural identity, family constellation, how psychologically safe we feel at work, the time period we’re born, and more. While there are too many factors to get into right now in this short article, here’s the main point I tell my clients:
Everyone has a different comfort level, willingness, and readiness around discussing mental health because of their own life experiences.
Then, we form ideas about what is “ok” and “not ok” to talk about at work. So there’s no one reason why people don’t want to talk about mental health at work.
If you want to have a conversation with an employee about their mental health, you have to be understanding of this fact. It’s crucial that you approach the discussion with an open mind.
And remember: just because you’re concerned about them doesn’t mean they need to share what’s going on. It’s their information to share, not yours to demand.
5 TIPS FOR TALKING TO YOUR EMPLOYEES
If your employee has already said they don’t want to share what’s going on with you, it can feel like you’re in an uncomfortable position and uncertain of where to go next.
You had good intentions for the conversation, but now you’re wondering:
These thoughts are all normal and you did your best to just try to help. But where do you go from here?
Pause. Then use these tips so you can reflect on the conversation and find a way to move forward.
#1 — DOUBLE-CHECK YOUR MINDSET
It’s important to understand that supporting someone is about what they need — it’s not about fulfilling your need to help them. Not everyone wants to talk about their mental health at work or is ready to receive help.
Think back on the conversation you tried to have with your employee. Ask yourself — “Was I concerned about them or focused on my own wants/needs to help them?”
If you were focused on yourself, then you probably didn’t approach the conversation with the right mindset. It may make you cringe to realize this, but it’s ok.
This is a learning process and these conversations aren’t always easy to have.
So next time you decide to talk to a colleague — or try to talk to that same employee again — double-check your mindset to make sure it’s helpful for them.
#2 — KNOW YOUR “WHY” AND GIVE CONTEXT
This is the most important part of the conversation because it tells your employee why you’re talking in the first place.
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“Put yourself in your team member’s position. If you were approached by your manager about the state of your mental health without explanation or context, there’s a pretty good chance you’d be sweating bullets and assuming that your job was in jeopardy.”²
So reflect back to your conversation with your employee. Did you clearly explain why you wanted to talk to them?
If you didn’t, it’s ok — but it could be one of the reasons why they shut you down.
The next time you talk to them, or someone else, make sure you explain your reasons for having the conversation. They’ll likely be more open and willing to listen to what you have to say when they understand that you’re coming from a place of genuine care.
#3 — BE INTENTIONAL
Another important thing you can do in these situations is to be intentional — with your language and your timing.
Remember, your employee can’t read your mind and what you say will be taken at face value. So the words you use — and how you say them — matter. Don’t exaggerate or fumble through what you want to say. Instead, plan out your words ahead of time (as much as you reasonably can).
Timing is also critical. If you’re concerned about someone’s mental health, it’s best to talk at a time and place that works for you both. You shouldn’t:
Now think about when you tried to talk to your employee. Were you intentional with your word choice and the logistics of the conversation? If not, then keep this in mind for future conversations.
Because bad timing and delivery can ruin your message.
#4 — REMEMBER YOUR ROLE
It’s human nature to try to fix things or give advice. While I applaud anyone who is trying to help others, I cannot stress this enough:
You are not a therapist.
In this conversation with your employee, you are simply a manager (or equivalent position) — and all the limitations that come with it. So the best thing you can do to show your support is by:
The goal is to express your concern while staying within the boundaries of your relationship in the workplace. Because you may not be the best person to help them — and that’s ok.
Also keep in mind that your employee may have support at home or from others at work that you’re not aware of. So don’t take it personally if they don’t open up to you. Instead, offer your support and be happy they have other resources in their support network.³
Don’t forget to reflect on your previous conversation. Ask yourself: how did I approach it? Did I go beyond the boundaries of my role?
#5 — LEVEL SET YOUR EXPECTATIONS
Set reasonable expectations for the outcome of these types of conversations. What do I mean by this?
Don’t go into it thinking you’ll fix all their problems and everything will be hunky-dory afterward. That’s not realistic, not your job, and it prevents people from learning how to help themselves.
At the end of the day, you’re their boss — not their romantic partner, friend, or therapist.
You can’t live their life for them or force them to get help, regardless of how you know the person. All you can do is offer your support as their manager and understand the best way to support them (in conjunction with the rest of their support network).
YOU CAN (AND SHOULD) TALK ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH WITH YOUR EMPLOYEES
Talking about mental health with your employees can be difficult — even more so when an employee doesn’t want to talk about mental health with you as their manager. Power dynamics are real, don't forget that.
But this is a skill set that you can develop. You can learn how to “feel out” when and how you should talk to your employees.
The key is to keep trying — don’t avoid it because it’s a conversation that’s here to stay. Instead, be kind to yourself as you go through this process as you learn, because there will always be room for growth and improvement.
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Menopause Health Mediator and Strategist | Lifestyle, Healthcare Navigation and Health Literacy
2yThis is a really great and practical advice for managers to learn how to talk to their employees about their mental health. I like how you tell managers that this is learning process for them as well, and they need to take care of their own mental health and check their mindset and be patient with themselves as they do this. It's good general life advice. It's not your job to fix anyone's problems, you can only control your own problems and your attitude to external problems. Being patient with yourself if the best way to show others that they can also be patient with themselves and signals to them that you'll be patient with them.
I specialize in workplace wellbeing, mental health and suicide prevention. Let's get more people, more help, sooner.
2yGreat post Melissa Doman, M.A. Even when and if leaders have the right tools to approach an employee with empathy, making sure leaders know that everyone has the right to choose the right person at the right time is key. Even if an employee doesn’t choose to confide in their leader, the message of care and the power of role modelling is still very important.
Bilingual Professional | Sales in Asset Management | Oilfield Associate Technical Professional | Founder of Mawe – Wellbeing Management | Stress Management & Resilience | Women's & Mental Health Advocate
2yRemember your role. Very important. As a yoga teacher I usually tell some of my clients that my role has a limit, and that at a certain level you have to meet the right professional for your issue. Thank you for bringing that up Melissa Doman, M.A.
Marketing Academic - Brand Semiotics Enthusiast
2yThis is interesting and timely. Thank you for posting.
Visionary Leader Shaping the Future of Work | Expert in Employee Engagement & Retention, Change Management, People & Culture | Corporate Sustainability | Creating Best-in-Class Employee Experiences 🚀
2ySo true and such an important reminder that psychological safety in the workplace is not meant to create a "social media-esque" environment where employees feel pressured to put their feelings and health on display. That's counterproductive. ❤️