Photo-Illustration: The Cut; Photos: anyahaas, ryanspencer51
Earlier this week, the Cut published a story in which we spoke to 20- and 30-something heterosexual women treading through an increasingly hellish dating scene. Between men on the apps just looking for sex to those lying about their jobs and relationship statuses to get it, it’s no wonder why videos of women crying about bad dates go viral on social media. Our readers seem to agree — dating is a total nightmare right now. Below, we’ve collected some of the horror stories you shared in the comments.
The woman whose date’s stories did not add up … at all.
In our dating story, a corporate lawyer keeps finding herself on dates with pathological liars who fabricate everything from where they work and live to the fact that they’re secretly in open relationships. Readers have also encountered their fair share of liars — including ones who stick them with the bill.
oasisgirl
June 4, 2024 at 8:22 PM
I swore off the dating apps last year when I found out a guy I’d matched with (who described himself as a successful business owner, college-educated, ready to settle down, etc) had just been released from prison two weeks beforehand. He spent 14 years in lock up for armed robbery, social security fraud and child endangerment. Just before him, I’d matched with a cop who boasted about being up for a promotion to chief. Turned out he had been fired a month beforehand and was under state/federal investigation for stalking, DV and illegally wiretapping his ex gf.
I’m telling y’all, something ain’t right with a lot of guys out here today. They straight up create whole new identities and personalities to lure women. It’s creepy.
lh29
June 5, 2024 at 6:56 PM
Oh girl, I wish we could have a drink and swap horror stories. I went out with a British man, said he was on the olympic cycling team, was living in Chicago because he was funding the new velodrome (???), said that he owned the largest nightclub in the Canary islands when he was 21, was the architect behind the Nike/Cole Haan deal, made up a fiancee and then promptly killed her in a drunk driving accident on NYE outside a Starbucks in Malibu. Then when our bill came he went to pay and THREE of his credit cards were declined, so I paid.
By the time he was rambling about his Nike deal (I worked for a sports agency so I knew this was categorically untrue because that deal was done in '88 and he would have been 8 years old lol) I knew he was mentally ill and I wanted to see how far he'd go but, my god. Obviously none of it checked out but. Wowowow. Talented Mr. Ripley shit, I left my car on the street because I didn't want him to see my license plate or follow me home. I took an Uber to a friend's apartment and she walked with me back to my car later that night.
fnsfsnr
June 5, 2024 at 7:56 PM
The thing that cracks me up is that these are JUST REGULAR DATES - not even particularly bad ones! I once met a guy who told me he was an adventurous war photographer, but could actually hardly walk since he was disabled in a car accident TWENTY YEARS AGO. That stood out a bit, but the guys who lied about marital status/employment status/age/height were legion. And my experiences paled in comparison to a woman I know who googled a date after finally getting his last name on the 2nd or 3rd date = and found out he was on the sex offender registry.
I'm in my mid-50s now and gave up on dating not quite 10 years ago myself. Ultimately what really soured me on it was how much work it was - meeting all these strangers who were rarely how they presented themselves online, unpacking all their baggage, and often getting ghosted on the rare occasions when I thought there might be a spark. Interviewing for jobs had literally become more pleasant - at least there people were usually polite and interested in me, and there was a much stronger chance I'd get something out of it. And I have to say I haven't really missed it all - I have plenty of friends and family to spend time with, and enjoy their company far more.
The men who don’t get better with age.
While the women interviewed in our story are in their 20s and 30s and date men in their age groups, readers suggest things don’t necessarily get better with time. (You may, for example, find yourself offering your date some free divorce counseling.)
lh29
June 5, 2024 at 5:49 PM
Let me tell you about my last three dates/matches:
- 43M. "Forgot his wallet" and I paid for everything on our first date. Fine. Second date was fine, no fireworks but he was nice and on the shy side. Third date, I realized he never actually asked me any questions and I was driving the whole conversation, so I let the awkward silences happen. The server dropped off the bill (at the restaurant he had picked out) and he just looked at it, looked at me, and waited. I said "let's split this!" Then, against my better judgement, I agreed to go across the street for another drink. He let the door slam me in the face as we left the restaurant (the hostess actually laughed), then we get to the bar and I went to use the bathroom. He got himself a drink and then went and sat down outside. Then proceeded to tell me he'd never been in a real relationship. I am not interested in training a grown man who shows no apparent interest in me how to be a boyfriend.
- 40M. We met at a brewery that he chose, near his house, but on the other side of the city from me. It was 7pm on a Wednesday and I asked if he wanted to order food and he said "no, I'm good." Um, okay, it's dinner so I ordered myself nachos because I was starving. He then proceeded to eat half of them and spent a solid half hour hunched over the bar telling me about his recent divorce. Good luck, my guy.
- 41M. We matched and were chatting every day for a couple weeks but our travel schedules weren't lining up and he wasn't making an effort to schedule anything that could work. Eventually I grew very tired of endless messaging and I asked him for a specific date and we settled on when I would be back in town from a mother/daughter trip. The entire chatting had been a lot of "oh man, ME TOO!" things we had in common. A lot of things we seemingly had in common. While I was out of town, he was texting me non-stop with specifics about the area I was traveling in. I hadn't told him any details because I value my privacy/security and I hadn't even given him my last name. Long story short, he had found me on LinkedIn using reverse google image search and my work information, and was watching my sister's instagram stories, then texting me pretending like it was just a coincidence that he had mentioned that restaurant when we'd been there the night before. I'd already told him that he was coming on too strong for someone I had never met, but this was fully disturbing behavior. He also worked in cybersecurity at my bank, so I had to reach out to my banker and make sure he didn't have access to any of my information. Oh also, he lied about still being married.
So all of this is to say, I'm out. I'm done. I've told my friends that if they meet someone they think I might like to let me know. Otherwise, I'm good. I have a career I love, a sweet little dog, plenty of friends, and a great relationship with my family. You can't have it all.
iced.coffee
June 6, 2024 at 8:21 PM
I’m so sorry. I went on a date like #2 as well - spent the entire time venting about his soon-to-be ex-wife to me. When I told him at the end that I wouldn’t be asking to meet up again because he didn’t seem to be over the divorce yet, he loudly exclaimed “No, I’m so over her!” I said “… ‘the divorce,’ not ‘your ex’” and he went silent.
rebecca.balent
June 4, 2024 at 11:27 PM
If they think it's bad in their 30s, try it in your 50s. After wasting 6 months of my life with someone who turned out to be in a relationship, just testing the water to make sure he wasn't missing out on anything, I'm done! Elaborate lies and unbelievable stories of why he had to cancel last minute, until his SO finally caught him and he dropped off the radar.
One reader recommends using the “burning haystack method,” a dating-app strategy that involves aggressively blocking, or “burning,” any bad fits instead of simply swiping left.
dreamingisfree
June 5, 2024 at 1:59 AM
I'm 49. The rumors are true. It's bad. We are shopping in the returns department and the returns are all the toxic men that smart women got rid of during the Trump-era pandemic. There is a beacon of hope, though--look into Burned Haystack Dating! You find your "needle" in the haystack by burning it all down.
The man who wanted his date to quit her job and live in his trailer.
Meanwhile, some moms responded with a plug for their adult sons.
Some readers have been off the dating market for years but have adult children in the thick of it.
heidim3+
June 5, 2024 at 11:13 AM
My daughter and her friends are around this age and are having similar issues. I also have a son. He would love a relationship and he’s handsome, smart, progressive, lives on his own with good job, etc. He feels girls are not even seeing him on the apps because he’s not 5’10” plus. Change your settings ladies! Shorter guys are probably less likely to be A-Holes and can be wonderful loving husbands! I’ve got one- and in all honesty we never would have met if it depended on how I set my dating app. Luckily 35 years ago they didn’t exist.
usna73
June 5, 2024 at 10:36 AM
These anecdotes simply do not jive with the experiences of our son. He's 34, degreed, solid corp job and average height, weight etc. Has used several dating apps looking for "serious" relationship. Barely gets a response from 27-35 year old women. His profile is solidly written and open minded. He is well groomed and looks good. He lives in a medium sized metro in Midwest. I am forwarding this article to him. No, he is not "lying" to me. The comments here make the story seem plausible, but is this all just "fake?" Am I just an "old guy" who is missing something?
The woman who prefers takeout to dates.
One of the women interviewed in our story fears being single long-term and “doesn’t want to spend her Friday nights with her cat eating sushi.” But maybe giving up and getting takeout isn’t so bad after all.
ragsmctattershanty
June 4, 2024 at 11:36 PM
This is why I just use men for sex.
I have a couple of guys who I have a regular thing with, separately. We get tested and keep it safe. I'll go out occasionally on dates, but I've been operating like this for the last three years and I'm honestly pretty happy. I'm not interested in having kids, and if something progresses into love and marriage, great. But few men can compete with takeout and a re-watch of The Wire.