Reports Tim Torkildson: “Subject: Online Dating Grammar.
“I met a gal online one day; she seemed to be OK.
“But when I asked her on a date, here’s what she had to say:
” ‘Your adverbs and your adjectives are mixed up quite a bit.
” ‘Your prepositions end a sentence several times — so quit!
” ‘You used a semicolon where a period was wanted.
” ‘The phrasal verbs and idioms you write make me feel haunted!
” ‘There is a double negative at the end of your epistle.
” ‘I’d rather date a Visigoth, or a Scottish thistle!’ ”
Everyone’s a copy editor
West Sider Forever: “The 9/29 Pioneer Press defined the boundaries of Ward 2 thus: ‘The ward spans downtown St. Paul, the West End, West Seventh Street and part of the Summit Hill area.’ We longtime West Siders know it may confuse some people to call that big area south of the river and all the way to West St. Paul ‘the West Side’ — but we understand that our area is defined by the west bank of the Mississippi. This was a big deal in the 1850s, before the Wabasha bridge was built.
“So please, PP, put us back in Ward 2. Thank you.”
BULLETIN BOARD SAYS: Consider it done.
Our birds, ourselves
Ask Al B Division
Wrote The Real Piglet’s Dad: “I have two questions for our bird man:
“(1) I saw a flock of about 35 white large birds. Pelicans, I think. But they were totally silent; not a peep. Why?
“(2) Why have I and others been seeing many wild turkeys in the city?
“Thanks, Al!”
BULLETIN BOARD SAYS: “Our bird man” and “Al” are, of course, our Official Ornithologist, Al B of Hartland, who has answered as follows:
“Dear The Real Piglet’s Dad,
“A recent morning found me walking alongside a lovely lake. There were so many things to see and hear that I forgot that I had a camera in my hand. A flock of American white pelicans took off from the opposite shore and flew low over my head. They made no sounds other than the enchanting whispers of their wings. Pelicans are typically silent away from breeding colonies, where adults grunt during aggressive or romantic encounters and the young make begging calls that are whining grunts. Other than that, they have nothing to say.
“The turkeys are a bit early for Thanksgiving, aren’t they? The wild turkey is supposed to prefer a habitat of woods and fields, especially areas with acorn-rich oaks, but it’s an adaptable species and has a remarkable ability to fit into a variety of habitats. Cities provide decent habitats for wild turkeys that are following in the hoofsteps of deer that thrive in nearly predator-free areas. Turkeys come to the big city to seek fame and fortune — and food and companionship. As their numbers increase, more wild turkeys graze the suburbs and cities. They sometimes become acclimated to humans, and negative interactions could result.
“Thanks for listening to and watching the birds.”
Fellow travelers (responsorial)
Friday’s Bulletin Board opened with a note from Kathy S. of St. Paul: “Note to folks traveling soon: Hotels seem to have forgotten that some people need dark bedrooms at night. I traveled for a week, and found that the many LED lights on cable boxes, night lights, etc., can make sleep difficult or impossible. Of course you can cover the lights with towels at night, but that might be a fire hazard.
“Next time, I plan to travel with a good old roll of masking tape.”
We presently heard from Wise Old Woman of Blaine: “For Kathy S.:
“A simpler solution to the hotel-room light (and kinder to the staff unless she plans on cleaning up the tape residue herself) is a sleeping mask. My husband uses one when he travels to Petrozavodsk, Russia, on mission trips, as it is light so late that far north in June.”
Vapid in Vadnais: “Note to Kathy S., regarding the blackout of LED displays:
“Masking tape leaves a sticky residue. Other options include painter’s tape — which is a bit spendy unless you have some left over from a paint project, but peels cleanly. Electrical tape also works well, but you may want to pack a small scissors or jackknife, as the tape is difficult for some people to tear.
“For lack of a better place for it, my Internet box lives on a small bookcase in my bedroom. Its lights have been covered by a folded bandana. Mindful of the heat generation, I was careful to leave the vents unobstructed. Another LED, on the TV antenna, is blocked by an unopened box of bar soap. (Yes, it looks odd, but it works.) My alarm clock is turned away from me. I need the alarm function about four times a year, but need the time to be visible so that I can curse the darkness during my bouts of insomnia.”
What’s in a name?
Nellie: “I have become very partial to Subway sandwiches, especially since I moved and it is right across the highway.
“One of my favorite kinds is the Italian sub that has six slices each of Genoa salami and spicy pepperoni, four slices of Black Forest ham, and your choice of veggies and tomatoes. It is referred to on their menu as the B.M.T.
“So what do those initials mean? Bread, meat, tomatoes? It has a combination meaning: Biggest, Meatiest, Tastiest, as well as Brooklyn Manhattan Transit (the New York City subway theme).
“Too much information? There is more at tinyurl.com/big-meaty-tasty.”
Highfalutin displeasures
Nellie: “Subject: Waaaaaay too much information.
“KARE11 TV has apparently gotten some new, fancy-dancy graphics software. Highlights during various local shows are flying into and flying off the screen, twirling around, dashing about. Their news broadcasts now have three horizontal lines of script across the bottom of the screen, and sometimes four — maybe five lines in all, if you count the colored line that goes from side to side. This takes up about one-quarter of my TV screen. Am I watching TV or reading a book?
“The top line will flash on and then off with the telecaster’s(‘) name(s).
“Then the colored line.
“The next line will summarize the story they are reporting. (Apparently I am too stupid to understand what I am seeing and hearing.) Closed-captioning, of course, has been and still is always available for those with a hearing problem.
“The next line is what shows are coming up next on KARE11.
“The bottom line is national or international news bits — either static or scrolling.
“And off to the right is the time and the temperature and the KARE11 logo (which was always there before and is fine with me).
“I find this annoying, distracting, and I even feel a bit nauseated as all of this is appearing and disappearing — especially the scrolling line.
“STOP, please, STOP this!”
Band Name of the Day: Curse the Darkness — or: The Grunting Pelicans
Website of the Day: American White Pelican, at tinyurl.com/white-pelican
