Let’s talk about the ‘I didn’t rape you’ text.
The ‘I didn’t rape you text’ is a message that men send to women, the morning after they have sex with them, to make sure that there’s an evidence trail if the woman in question decides to falsely accuse him of rape.
If you read that and felt a bit queasy, you have my sympathy. I feel the exact same way. Hideous, right?
But, it’s something that men on the internet are discussing. So it’s something that we need to talk about.
A writer known as Kid Strangelove wrote the extremely widely read blog post. Strangelove deleted his website so it’s now hosted on the website of pick up artist Matt Forney.
Usually girls have to be somewhere earlier than me, thanks to my relaxed work schedule, so after I close the door behind her and hop into the shower, I send out the text which might determine the course of the rest of my life.
“I had a blast, hope you did too! Get home safe!”
Next the author describes the panic he feels when he doesn’t get a reply. Rather than thinking that the girl he’s been with is turned off by his use of the expression ‘had a blast’ (hi, Grandpa) he assumes that instead the woman has changed her mind about her consent the night before and is going to get him thrown in jail.
Exactly what happened last night? I f****d her good… or did I? Did I insult her in some way? Did I lose my erection at some point? She had alcohol in her system, so does that technically makes me a rapist? F**k, f**k, f**k! What if she regrets the whole thing and tells someone I raped her? Who would believe me? I don’t have the money to defend myself… I’m so f****d…
‘Got home safe. Last night was fun ;)’
Whew. The evidence is now in my phone. Everything that took place last night was entirely consensual and justifiable. If she takes me to court, that text could save my life. Maybe I was freaking out over nothing.
Let’s take a moment to unpack this man’s knee jerk reaction.
Firstly, we’ve got a serious lack of understanding about how women work.
Women like sex too. If we want to have sex with you we’ll be enthusiastic. Present. Connected. If you can’t tell, you need to ask. But we do like sex.
All we ask is that it’s consensual. That you don’t attempt to anally penetrate us without asking first, and that if we ask you to use a condom, you keep that condom on. But we enjoy sex. We want to have sex with you. We’re not just lying back with gritted teeth to gather enough evidence to send you to prison.
Secondly, we’ve got a misunderstanding about how the criminal justice system works. Even if you were accused of rape, only 7% of rape cases actually end in conviction for the rapist, which is a demonstration of two things. Firstly, how broken the system is. Secondly, how incredibly hard it is to make a rape conviction stick. A false accusation doesn’t have a hope in hell of ending with a prison sentence.
The thing that distresses me most about this topic – something I notice time and time again – is that the concern here doesn’t ever seem to be about accidentally raping someone. In fact, the idea that you might actually violate someone’s consent doesn’t even enter in to the discussion.
Instead, the focus is exclusively on protecting men from vindictive women who want to make them suffer.
Which, if women were a credible threat, would be fine. But the thing is, they’re not. Women are not trying to send men to prison. The author of the original ‘I didn’t rape you’ text blog post seems genuinely afraid.
He writes ‘All this work into becoming better with women, and I can’t trust any of them. I know that at any point, I am subject to their whims. My freedom and livelihood depends on how they feel that day.’
I almost feel bad for him. He’s been swayed by propaganda, false information and a load of internet mythology that says women accuse men of rape all the time, for fun.
False rape accusations are rare. Very, very rare. The CPS (UK) and the FBI (USA) agree on that. The absolute worst case scenario percentage on false rape accusations is 4%. Which means that 96% of accusations are not false. Many research projects put the number at 2%.
Whether it’s 4% or 2%, we can all agree, it’s enormously rare. We don’t live in fear of anything else which has such a tiny likelihood of affecting us. Yet for some reason, men are willing to believe that there’s a conspiracy against them, that women are trying to strip their freedom to have sex from them.
I understand that men don’t want to go to prison for rape. But a good way to avoid that would be to not rape women. Then in almost 100% of cases, that would save you from any kind of legal trouble. And it has the added bonus that women don’t get raped.
If you’re genuinely worried about accidentally raping someone (I believe that this does happen – that good people aren’t given enough education about consent and it has disastrous consequences) then there are plenty of ways to avoid this.
I’ve heard so, so many men saying ‘good guys know how not to rape’ and honestly, it’s just not true. It was a good guy who tried to sneak the condom off when I was having sex with him. I don’t even think the man who sexually assaulted me as a teenager was a ‘bad’ guy. He just didn’t realise that when someone is vomiting because they’re so drunk, they can’t consent.
So rather than shouting ‘I’m a good guy, I would never do that’ and relying on the ‘I didn’t rape you’ text, listen.
Firstly, look for affirmative consent. Asking ‘do you want this?’ and ‘tell me you want this’ is sexy, as well as giving the other person a chance to convey that they don’t want to have sex with you.
Secondly, be alcohol aware. If you wouldn’t let someone email their boss or call their parents, they’re probably too drunk to be making big decisions, so if it’s the first time you’re sleeping with them, think twice. Anyone who is sliding in an out of consciousness or is disoriented is definitely not someone you should be having sex with.
More Trending
Negotiate ahead of time. Chat about how much you want to have sex with them, what you’d like to do with them. Ask them what they like, what they’re in to, what their likes and dislikes are. This has the dual benefit of making the sex much better when it eventually happens, and preventing misunderstandings.
And most importantly, make the other person feel safe. Tell them that they’re welcome to say no, that they can leave if they want to, or that you can share a bed without having sex.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with the ‘I didn’t rape you’ text. It’s nice to message the person you went home with and see if they’re okay, if they had fun.
I just wish it was being sent to check that the other person had a good time because that matters. Not because of a perceived danger that a vindictive woman will turn an award night of mediocre sex into a false rape accusation.
MORE: Woman found out she was born without a vagina, uterus or cervix at 18 years old
MORE: What you need to know about having a semen allergy
