Infidelity doesn’t help solve a couple’s issues, but the desire to look elsewhere can be a symptom that there’s something wrong at home.
In this edition of the Metro Sex Column, we hear from a reader who didn’t realise how unhappy she was with her long-term boyfriend until she slept with someone else.
After a sexual awakening – and her first ever orgasm – she’s now considering whether the nine-year relationship has run its course.
Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to check out last week’s column, from a woman feeling used by the married man she’s been seeing.
The problem…
I’ve recently cheated on my boyfriend of nine years, and at 27 feel as though I’ve finally discovered what sex is all about. Believe it or not, this one-night-stand gave me my first orgasm – I really didn’t know what one was, until it happened to me.
My boyfriend and I have been together since university, and were both still virgins when we met. What we know about sex we have learned from one another, which probably explains a lot.
Recently I’ve become very friendly with a girl at work, who talks non-stop about her love life and the various things she gets up to. Listening to her makes me realise how ‘vanilla’ my own sex life is, and what I’m missing out on.
When we went out for her birthday, I made a special effort to look good. Deep down, I knew that if the opportunity arose to have a wild night with someone, I’d go for it.
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Sure enough, a really good-looking guy made a move on me, and at the end of the evening, I agreed to go back to his place. I thought only briefly about my boyfriend – mostly, I was drunk on excitement and anticipation about what was going to happen.
We had an amazing night, full of things I didn’t even know existed, and I climaxed for the very first time. The whole experience was beyond anything I’ve known before.
Since then, I haven’t wanted sex with my boyfriend, who’s a hopeless lover in comparison. I still love him very much, but wonder whether I’m ‘in love’ with him. I don’t want to break up but know things can’t stay like this.
The advice…
You’ve been together a long time, so in lots of ways your life will have become humdrum. It can’t compare with the excitement you felt with someone new, connecting for a few hours of fun with no responsibility.
But unless you want one night of passion to wreck your relationship, you must talk to your boyfriend about your sex life.
Although you’ve decided that the blame lies with him and his lack of expertise, perhaps some of the difference you experienced was down to your own lack of inhibition. Do you ever let yourself go like that with your partner?
Put your new-found knowledge to good effect, without openly criticising your boyfriend. Show him how to help you reach orgasm, whilst not blaming him for the lacklustre love life you’ve had in the past. Look online for sex tips and share anything interesting with him; as you said, you both have a lot to learn.
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Think more about what he would like, too – after all, sex is a two-way street, and making it more mind-blowing for him, will create a better experience for both of you.
Nine years is a lot to throw away, but if you feel that whatever you do, you’ll always be sexually incompatible, it’s time to move on. Cheating is destructive, and a fresh start might be what you need
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.
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