My triplets are a gift, but I can’t afford them

‘How much do you love your job?’ asked my brother. ‘Enough to do it for free?’

This question truly stumped me. After all, he’d witnessed first hand the hours, days, and years I’d put into building up our publishing business – he was my business partner and we’d both sacrificed a lot over a decade. 

He knew how much this meant to me. Yet he’d also seen how desperate I’d been for a child. 

Now, it seemed, I had more than I bargained for – literally.

Because after plugging the numbers into a calculator, I’d discovered that to cover nursery fees for my triplets, I’d need a salary of £85k. I have never earned that in my life. 

Sadly costs like these, and a whole host of other challenges, are not uncommon for parents like me.

In fact, research by The Twins Trust states that due to these financial, social, emotional and health challenges, the UK is ‘one of the worst places in the world to bring up multiples’. 

This wasn’t a problem I’d ever expected to have. To be honest, at first, my main concern was whether my husband, James, and I would ever be parents. 

I’d conceived twice before but we’d never got as far as hearing their heartbeats; both times I’d sadly miscarried within the first eight weeks, and the first time, I had to be ambulanced in for emergency surgery as I was bleeding out. 

Physically, I was very weak for six months after, but mentally the grief was so intense, it completely floored me. The end of my second pregnancy, a year later, was also heartbreaking, so when I fell pregnant a third time, I was naturally anxious.

However, the weeks came and went quickly and soon I was booking in for my first heartbeat scan.

Imagine my surprise when the consultant flipped the screen to show me not one, but three beating hearts.

‘You need to put your knickers on,’ I heard them say at the end of the appointment, but I was paralysed.

We hadn’t done anything differently this time around – it was still a natural pregnancy and there were no twins or triplets in my family – so I just remember thinking: ‘How can this be?’ 

James couldn’t come to that scan because he had Covid, so as he waited for me in the carpark, he was fully expecting bad news. 

He was overwhelmed when I told him, but didn’t want to get excited too soon – we had a long and treacherous path ahead and we both knew how easily things could end. 

We didn’t think about the potential costs until we took a trip to Mamas & Papas where a sales lady tried to sell James a very expensive travel system. Walking around and seeing the price tags for the first time was sobering.

At the next scan though, our consultant suggested we consider selective reduction – where an embryo or foetus is aborted to reduce the risks of miscarriage, stillbirth and other complications in a multiple pregnancy.

I cried at the very thought of it.

There was no way I would consider this unless there was a genuine risk to the life of me or the babies – and that’s what I told the consultant.

When I spoke to my brother afterwards I was still upset by the suggestion. That’s when he reminded me that perhaps some parents may not be able to afford three babies and so for them it is the safer choice.

My brother’s words were the reality check I needed, but even I couldn’t foresee just how expensive things were about to become.

Before I’d even given birth, we’d spent over £13,000 on the triplets – and even then that only covered the bare essentials.

Like 72% of multiple parents who have to buy a bigger vehicle to fit their kids, we had to sell our old estate car in order to buy a second hand van that was big enough for us all, car seats, cots and a triple pram – a secondhand bargain at £400.

And despite me also becoming particularly savvy at getting things like cots and nursery furniture on eBay, Gumtree or Facebook Marketplace, the costs still added up quickly. 

We bought new mattresses and bedding for the cots, a white noise machine, a nappy caddy, a changing bag, nappies and wipes.

It felt like the costs were spiralling out of control.

At 33 weeks and five days, I had my babies via a planned c-section: Rafa, Frankie and Jerry. There were 28 medics around to take care of us all, and everything went to plan. 

Though I wasn’t able to hold them, Frankie, the middle baby, was placed on my chest for a moment so I could stroke his cheek. It was the softest, smoothest thing I’ve ever felt. 

Our time in hospital was incredibly difficult. They shouldn’t have been born yet and so were fragile and distressed, and at one point Jerry, the eldest, even turned blue in my arms. It was terrifying. 

The only thing that brought me any comfort was knowing that they had teams of medics looking after them.

However, that meant when it came time to take Rafa and Frankie home after four weeks, and Jerry the week after, I felt dangerously ill-equipped.

So, to ease the transition, I booked a maternity nurse for £300 per day for a couple of weeks while I recovered from my C-section. 

She prepared feeds, showed us better ways to feed and wind the babies, arranged an osteopath appointment for Rafa who had neck tension that I hadn’t noticed and even helped with the laundry. She was amazing.

Although the nurse set up routines for us, when we were on our own we really struggled. It’s just too much work.

By the time the triplets were a few months old, I was mentally, emotionally and physically broken. I didn’t realise it then, but I was suffering with PTSD. 

This isn’t uncommon – The Twins Trust found that 84% of multiple families experience emotional or psychological challenges – and I soon discovered that most triplet mums I knew had PTSD from the time their babies were in hospital. 

Through my husband’s private insurance, I’d had therapy from my second miscarriage, all the way through the babies’ first year – it was help I desperately needed. 

Still I felt totally out of my depth and, seeing that I was in trouble, my good friend Sam told me: ‘This is your rainy day. Spend your rainy day money.’ We took her advice and started spending around £1,500 a month for three mornings of support from our cleaner and nanny.

Initially, I had huge mum guilt around this. I felt I should be earning if we were paying for childcare, but I needed sleep to function – I was doing the work of three mummies the rest of the time!

It took time but I learned to ditch the guilt I had around this as my feeling refreshed was beneficial to the whole family.

As the triplets approached their first birthday, and I explored childcare options, it was clear that I couldn’t return to work. 

Nursery would have cost so much, I would need a salary of £85k a year to cover the nursery fees, which we can’t afford. So, my brother and I decided to wind the business down.

Now, my triplets have just turned two and started free morning sessions at preschool three times a week, which has been a huge help. 

However, I know with triplets the costs won’t stop. Eventually, the costs of school uniforms and residential trips will come in, so things are going to be tight for a while.

I already know it will take time to build my new business – the F*** Mum Guilt Movement – and my earnings up to the level before I was a mum. 

As well as running free online events for mums, I also go into workplaces to speak about how employers can be more mum-friendly and make the all important transition from mat leave to working mum guil-free. I’m also working on a book: Break Up With Mum Guilt.

Even though I will likely never work full-time again, I absolutely plan to give it my all.

My husband and I are relatively financially comfortable and have still found having triplets in the UK excruciatingly expensive. It could easily send you into debt. Even though more and more of us are having twins and triplets, we seem to be invisible and forgotten.

One thing that really needs to change is the level of mental health support; this should be provided to parents of multiples from day 1. Expecting multiple parents should be made aware it’s likely they will experience some kind of mental health challenge and be told how to access help. Too many of us are suffering in silence.

But despite all the challenges (financial and otherwise), after losing two babies, I feel blessed to have my three and I wouldn’t change that for all the money in the world.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

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