I am not a parent. As someone who is in a near-constant state of anxiety about her dog, I cannot imagine what it takes to be a parent; there are infinite things I do not know. I can, however, offer one piece of advice, and maybe take a bit of decision-making off of your — a parent’s — plate, with something I do know. You should dress your baby as a pumpkin.
A pumpkin: orange, round-bellied, a toothy grin. While the fruit has been sullied over the past few years through hackneyed joke descriptors for our nation’s hateful leader, as in, “Donald Trump, a rotting pumpkin in an old hay wig,” the pumpkin itself is still our friend. We love his round belly, and we delight in his innards pie. His form is a perfect suit for our baby, meaning your baby. He is jolly, rotund, and seasonal. He is classic. We love the pumpkin.
While this is all plainly true, there seems to be, as there has in the past, some confusion over how to dress our babies for Halloween. We have put together a handy guide to clear up that confusion.
DO NOT: Dress your baby as Donald Trump.
DO: Dress your baby as a pumpkin.
I assure you that if humanity, in both the physical and non-physical sense, survives this presidency, a photo of your child dressed as Donald Trump will mark him forever as a social pariah. It will follow him, I promise you it will. A photo of your child dressed as a pumpkin, however, will mark him only as a little pumpkin baby with a round sweet pumpkin baby belly and a tiny little face, and will only be brought up in kind conversation.
DO NOT: Dress your baby as Donald Trump.
DO: Dress your baby as a pumpkin.
Listing Donald Trump’s horrific words and deeds would be overwhelming and unnecessary; we know them and don’t need a refresher at this very moment. Not in this post. Not on your baby’s body. What we do need on your baby’s body: a fat little pumpkin suit, with a puffy pumpkin belly, and a smiley face. Squeeze your baby in her pumpkin suit and feel overwhelmed with sweet pumpkin love. (Also the suit is warm for the baby.)
DO NOT: Dress your baby as Donald Trump.
DO: Dress your baby as a pumpkin.
Every day heaps on more of the unspeakable, the heartless, the callous, the dangerous, the untrue. It is terrifying. A baby dressed as a pumpkin, however, is a round joy — particularly if she has a little hat.
DO NOT: Dress your baby as Donald Trump.
DO: Dress your baby as a pumpkin.
Here are a number of things to not do: this, this, this. Here is something to do: dress your baby as an adorable, classic little pumpkin.
DO NOT: Dress your baby as Handmaid’s Tale.
DO: Dress your baby as a pumpkin.
This is slightly off-message, but please do not dress your baby as a handmaid from Handmaid’s Tale. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DO NOT: Dress your baby as Donald Trump.
DO: Dress your baby as a pumpkin.
Please, not even a lazy baby Donald Trump costume should be attempted. A pumpkin costume, on the other hand, is slightly mandatory due to its cuteness. Thank you for understanding, and congratulations on your little pumpkin.