Recently, the U.S. Surgeon General listed loneliness as an epidemic in the country. Studies show this persistent issue was only worsened by the pandemic. I think about older people who live alone or even single moms who may be working so much there’s no time for a social life with adults. Having a chronic illness can be lonely, too. 

Conditions like asthma can impact every part of your life – including your relationships. But it doesn’t have to. I’ve shared stories of family members with asthma. I’ve even talked to kids to get their ideas about what it means to have asthma. However, with as much time as I spend with my girlfriends – including those with asthma – we haven’t really dived deep into the topic. In passing, we’ll share when we’re having a particularly tough breathing day or if we’re needing to use our inhalers, but that’s about it. I sat down with three close friends with asthma for a little girl talk. 

The seven lessons below include my own learnings about friendship and illness as well as some words of wisdom from my friends who also live with asthma. 

• Asthma looks different on us all. My friends and I have a lot of things in common, but sometimes what makes our relationships the most interesting are the places where we aren’t so much alike. My friends and I grew up in different parts of the country, work in different career fields, and rock different-sized shoes. Our asthma also looks different. Several of my friends were diagnosed as children, while I didn’t get asthma until my early 30s. Our treatment plans are different and how we cope may vary as well. I’ve learned that while we might vent or share tips, it’s not helpful to compare asthma apples to oranges. 
• Asking for what you need is the way to go. With asthma, like all chronic illnesses, I think friends should ask how they can best support their friends (or family) with asthma. I have friends (like my dance-partner friend, Crys) who is fiercely independent – opting to figure things out on her own or with her husband’s support when having a flare. Because I deal with two chronic illnesses -- asthma and migraines -- I tend to need a little more help when my asthma is flaring. I tend to have more fatigue and may need anything from a quick food pickup to someone to take on a small project that I just can’t commit to at the time. I’ve learned that even those closest to us are not mind readers. 
• Asthma friends just “get it.” While the rest of the world may not be able to recognize someone with asthma by looking at them, friends with asthma sometimes have a sixth sense. Friends can sometimes tell when another friend with asthma isn’t feeling well just by looking at them. We know that a dry cough doesn’t necessarily mean someone is contagious or has a cold but may be struggling with their asthma. (This asthma cough has been particularly challenging post-COVID.) I’ve been able to look at my friend Meka and just know that her breathing is not quite right. I’ll ask and inevitably she’ll say, “Yeah, my asthma is acting up, so I’m going to do a breathing treatment and rest a bit.” On the other hand, I’ve had friends ask me the same question. It’s like having an accountability partner for your lungs. It’s a cool little magic power we have – asthma ESP!
• Friendship needs may change over time. When I was diagnosed, I tried to talk to whomever I could about asthma. Then, years went by before I shared much again. I started having issues after moving to a new state and began asking some of my close friends for their advice again. One of my friends connected me to my pulmonologist whom I adore. I’m so grateful for that. Asthma is not a daily topic for me or most of my friends. It’s more like as needed – I know they’re there for me. 
• Tips will be shared. Whether they know it or not, many of my friends with asthma have provided some valuable tips. One talked about wearing a mask while cleaning as to not flare her asthma. Another one mentioned doing a breathing treatment after some local fires in the area. That same friend mentioned taking off from work once because her asthma wasn’t well controlled. I had never considered taking a day off due to asthma. It was a bit of a eureka moment. Again, just because asthma doesn’t show on the outside doesn’t mean you don’t feel like crap on the inside. My talks with my friends about this condition have reminded me both how dangerous asthma can be, but also how manageable with proper treatment and lifestyle changes. 
• Life is full and beautiful. One of the biggest things my friends have done to help me with my asthma is to help me forget it. When I’m dancing at a concert or enjoying brunch with friends, I’m not thinking about my asthma. If we’re traveling together or just watching a scary movie on the couch, these moments place asthma as a secondary character in my life. I’m so blessed to have friends I can laugh with, cry with, and be open with about my chronic condition. Asthma for me is easier knowing someone else truly understands. 

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