“Children aren’t supposed to die before their parents,” says Jane Harris whose son Josh died while on a six-month trip of a lifetime to South East Asia 11 years ago.
Josh was 22 when he was involved in a road accident while taking some time away from his dream job as a producer for the Ministry of Sound. “It was one of those awful nightmare scenarios where you get a knock on the door and suddenly everything has changed,” Harris tells i.
Since his death, Harris and her filmmaker partner Jimmy Edmonds have created The Good Grief Project, a charity that helps other bereaved parents using films, presentations, talks and weekend retreats.
It was Harris that 54-year-old Deirdre Nolan, from Chalford, spoke to after her daughter Laoise died in 2016 aged nine. She had suffered from acute lymphoblastic leukaemia since she was 10 months old and had a bone marrow transplant aged four, but hope was short-lived for her parents when she relapsed three months later. “We knew for a long time Laoise was going to die but we were not sure when,” her mother says. But being aware of her daughter’s illness made her death no easier to cope with.
“Our world had fallen apart. We thought we would never survive this. The sadness was overwhelming”.
Both Nolan and Harris have shared the things that they as bereaved parents wish others knew about their grief, and their advice to those who are helping parents go through their worst nightmare.
Don’t use clichés
“Reassurance doesn’t help,” says Harris, “listening does. Listen without coming up with well-intentioned cliché’s like maybe they’re in a better place.
“Someone once said to me that everything happens for a reason. These sorts of things drive you into a frenzy in the early stages of grief. Don’t tell me my son is in a better place.”
Take the pressure off the bereaved parent
One thing that Nolan and Harris found hard was the expectations of other people. “There is a British stiff upper lip, and an idea of being a ‘good’ bereaved parent,” says Harris, “but actually when you’re bereaved you’re often raging and people don’t know how to deal with it.”
“You spend an awful lot of time comforting other people.” She recalls a time in London, a few months after Josh died, that another parent with a child similar in age asked how her son was and she replied that he was fine. “I really didn’t want to have to pick them up off the ground when I told them he was dead. I didn’t want to deal with their pain.”
Don’t be afraid to talk about the child or say their name
After Josh died, his parents found that people were “terrified” of bringing up his name, sharing their memories of him or talking to them about his life. “That isolation on top of your bereavement really leaves you in a lonely place. Not only is your heart broken because you’ve lost a child but you’re also in a situation where people find it difficult to talk to you”.
This silence was one of the reasons Harris and Edmonds set up the Good Grief Project. “We represent people’s worst nightmare. By making films and doing presentations and talks we encourage people to not be so afraid.”
Nolan found that talking to other bereaved parents about Laoise helped. She recalls her conversation with Harris three months after her daughter’s death: “I wanted to know if there were any other coping mechanisms that I could use to make it through life without falling apart every day,” she says. The two mothers spoke about Josh and Laoise, and it brought Nolan great comfort.
She also attends Young Lives vs Cancer’s coffee mornings every three months. “It was excruciating to go to the first one and say that my name was Deirdre and my daughter Laoise died 12 weeks ago,” she tells i, “but what was very helpful was seeing other people’s grief and there was a comfort knowing that you weren’t alone”.
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Nolan also appreciates when Laoise is mentioned in a card. “Talking about her means we are not forgetting her. I love talking about her,” she says.
Be involved in a celebration of life
Josh’s friends, families and colleagues gathered together for a “ritual” for his funeral where they sang songs, read poems and shared their memories of him together. Harris recalls a friend of her son’s finishing his speech with Josh getting out of giving him back the £5 he owed. “People just laughed and laughed and cried and cried,” she says.
Everybody also makes an effort to walk together and mention Josh regularly which helps the family. At Christmas they raise a toast to Josh, and a photo of him was at his brother’s wedding. It was particularly important he was there as the bride was also Josh’s best friend. His nieces, who unfortunately never met him, talk about their uncle Josh regularly.
Nolan says her daughter’s funeral was a celebration that everyone attended, including Laoise’s school friends, as the school closed for the day.
Being creative can help
After Laoise died, her father created a book of all her work including writing, photographs, letters and school reports which was leather bound and given out to family as a gift to remember his daughter. His wife, who enjoys sewing, used their daughter’s tops to create cushion covers as presents for those that had purchased the clothing.
Together, they are running the London Marathon this year.
“Grief is about doing,” say Harris and Edmonds, who also run Active Grief Retreats designed to help bereaved parents express their grief. After Josh died, Harris found herself running, even on days she didn’t want to, and her partner plunged himself into photography and cold-water swimming. “He found that he could be with Josh in his head when he was in cold water,” Harris says.
Understand that bereaved parents will not be the same again
“You’re never back to your old self and you never get over it,” says Harris, “but you do learn to live with it”.
“The feeling of heaviness and blackness won’t always feel so heavy,” says Nolan who often sees things in colours. “When I think of Laoise everything is grey and black but then I force myself to remember that she brought such joy into our lives and the colours come back”.
Jane Harris and Jimmy Edmond’s book When Words Are Not Enough, featuring theirs and Deirdre’s story and all of their advice can be pre-ordered here. Their films, Beyond Goodbye, Say Their Name, A Love That Never Dies are available on their website here.
National Bereaved Parents Day is on 3 July 2022.
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