A couple of years ago, Astrid, now six, had a habit of walking up to the flower stands in supermarkets and saying loudly: “Can we buy these for Nanny?” I’d notice people look round, bask for a second in her thoughtfulness, before she added: “Because she’s going to die soon.”
It’s bad enough we all have to die, but to introduce the great tragedy of life to children feels like shattering their innocence. I know Xavi, four, would love me to tell him death isn’t real, just as I promise monsters don’t exist. While my children are fortunate they haven’t yet experienced the death of someone they love (despite the flowers to mark her near-demise, their 98-year-old great-grandmother is well) their awareness of mortality is growing. We’ve held fish funerals; made butterfly graves; their school commemorated Queen Elizabeth II’s life and they’re aware King Charles is unwell and brilliant doctors are helping him get better.
But how do I explain what happens when people die, and when’s the right age to talk about it? Xavi recently explained that if you’re happy enough, you get to come back after death. “But I’m sometimes sad,” he told me despondently. I gently reassured him there’s no reincarnation system based on appreciation. Then, at bedtime – yes, with hindsight of course it was a terrible time of day! – I read a matter-of-fact book about death. Astrid started crying. “It’s just so sad you don’t wake up again,” she wept. I realised my error, stopped reading and Xavi started crying because I wasn’t finishing “his” book. We ended the evening chatting about how most people are very old when they die, which is the closest I can come to reassuring them on the subject.
Sophie Brown, bereavement support worker from Winston’s Wish, recommends parents introduce the idea from the age of two or three. She says using nature to highlight the cycle of life can be helpful: “point out when a plant or insect has died, or talk about when pets might die.”
Babies and toddlers experience pain and loss, then between the ages of five and eight children start to understand death is universal and irreversible, according to Dr Matt Price, charity Barnardo’s lead for clinical psychology and psychotherapy.
A little older, they also begin to understand it has a cause. “It’s important children understand everyone dies at some time, but most don’t until they’re older,” he says. “For younger children, short, simple descriptions help: explaining that death means we won’t see the loved one again is enough. Leave space for questions.”
Cartoons and computer games can portray death as temporary: when Xavi’s avatar died without a trace in a video game, he was devastated. “Talking openly helps children build their understanding. If possible, find space and time to talk about death before you need to explain a loved one has died,” Dr Price recommends.
We should use straightforward, concrete terms when talking about death – if parents are too abstract, children may fill in gaps, says psychotherapist Amy DiBernardo.
“With death, be clear, for example: ‘When you die, your heart stops beating and you stop breathing’. Avoid confusing euphemisms such as ‘passed away’ or ‘long sleep’, which can be scary. Imagine saying ‘we put the dog to sleep’ – that child may never want to sleep again.”
With an illness such as cancer, talk about where it is in the body and what treatment looks like, “Importantly, convey it’s serious, as opposed to a cold or sore throat”, she says.
Normalising death, rather than having hushed conversations, helps reduce fear, DiBernardo recommends. “The more you speak about it, the less scary and confusing it can be when it happens. Death is a normal part of living,” she says.
I’ve found it hard to explain what happens after death to my children. I’ve told them I like to think of my dad, who died before they were born, looking down on us. My husband Mark, whose dad died when he was four, spent years hoping he’d return someday so he’d see him again and they’d get to do one more thing together. As a child, he prayed each night for his dad to watch over him – but is now comfortable with “who knows?”. Dr Price says: “If parents aren’t sure, sharing this honestly is helpful. For example, saying: ‘I’m not sure anyone quite knows. There are lots of ideas. Some people believe they go to a peaceful place that some people call ‘heaven’. What do you think?’”
When children do inevitably experience serious illness and grief, Dr Caroline Boyd, clinical psychologist and author of Mindful New Mum: A Mind-Body Approach to the Highs and Lows of Motherhood, says: “Reassure them there’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to feel and that illness or death isn’t their fault. Depending on the nature of illness, help them hold onto hope that every effort’s being made to help their loved one get better.”
When grieving, DiBernardo recommends emphasising children are safe. “It can be destabilising, confusing and bring up abandonment fears,” she explains. “Reassure them they’ll always be cared for. Show that all feelings associated with grief are okay. It’s important for children to see grown-ups grieve and learn that it takes time.”
Young children may puddle jump in and out of grief, finding relief from overwhelming emotions. “It can feel disorientating when children seem unconcerned or switch quickly from being extremely upset to wanting to play a game or know what’s for dinner,” Brown explains. “If you’re able, keeping familiar routines and people in children’s life can help scaffold them, and offer reassurance when they are in the puddle of their grief.”
For support, visit: winstonswish.org, barnardos.org, maggies.org
Do you have a question for Genevieve? Email her at parenting@inews.co.uk
Books that are a good introduction to death:
Badger’s Parting Gifts’ by Susan Varley
Sad Book by Michael Rosen
Charlotte’s Web by EB White
Lifetimes by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen
Tiger days by MH Clark
The Snowman by Raymond Briggs
Invisible String by Patrice Karst
Ida Always by Caron Levis and Charles Santoso
Goodbye Book by Todd Parr
Memory Box by Joanna Rowland
Always and Forever by Debi Gliori
Films
Up, Pixar
Moana, Disney
Mary Poppins Returns
Big Hero 6
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