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I've sacrificed my ambition for my husband's success - now I'm jealous

I feel left behind, he’s eclipsed me

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Rhiannon and her husband
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Since meeting my husband, his salary has tripled. He has been promoted and achieved everything he wanted. I, on the other hand, seem to have gone backwards – and I’m starting to resent it.

We’ve both worked very hard for him to get to where he is professionally. He puts in extra hours at work, and I put in extra hours at home.

When he was out on weekends and school nights “client entertaining”, I was solo parenting – and then when our baby was asleep I was filling out his award applications and practising calligraphy to write the place holders for his business dinners. I was a soundboard for work problems, a cheerleader, and someone to help him see his value. I even gave him voice coaching for a presentation. In short, I was his hype girl.

So why am I not happier for him? Why have I become so jealous of his success?

I didn’t used to feel this way. I was happy to do it, and I felt a second-hand sense of accomplishment when he met his career goals. I truly used to see his success as ours, but I’m now coming to the conclusion that it’s not. In dedicating myself wholly to this marriage, I’ve lost myself a little in the process. It’s like I started living for my family and their needs, which left no room for my own. There used to be more space for my own ambition.

I initially gave up work to care for our new baby, a decision that was easy to make because my husband only had two weeks’ paternity leave and I had been working as a freelancer. I returned to work when my child was three for a very brief stint, but then his new pay rise pushed me out of the childcare scheme so I had to quit within a month because it was no longer financially viable.

None of these things are my husband’s fault. He doesn’t create government policy. But he does benefit from it, because his life, and career have continued unchanged.

I can’t help but wonder what my career would look like now if the roles were reversed. And honestly, I feel jealous at the ease at which he gets to move through the world, at how different his experience is as a man.

Data shows that married men do better at work than their single male co-workers. But married women do worse than single women. It’s fair to say, men benefit more from marriage than women do. I can see why too. Behind the scenes, there’s a partner like me pushing them, and filling them up with love and home-cooked dinners.

How much would women make if they were paid for the work they do to allow their partners to work outside of the home? The latest studies put the figure at over £3,000 per month. But that work often goes unrecognised.

I can’t imagine what it would be like to get up and go live your life, without ever having to worry about the childcare situation. To know that every sick day is covered, every school holiday. To know that there is a default parent who will simply be activated during any crisis, without ever having to take a hit to your plans. To be able to fill in the family calendar with your own engagements, without asking for permission, or for support to make it happen.

While I love him so much, and think he’s a wonderful and caring man – it’s impossible not to notice how much he benefits and profits from my unpaid labour, and from the imbalance in our relationship. I’m an invisible background character who doesn’t get congratulated, because while the labour is shared, the accomplishment isn’t.

It’s not just about money, because with success comes self-esteem, visibility, pride, and my confidence has definitely taken a hit.

It’s easy to love him – loving him is the easiest part – but the patriarchal society in which we live can make it hard to maintain independence in a marriage between a man and a woman. It’s a conflicting feeling, to love someone so much who directly benefits from your gender’s oppression.

It’s hard not to compare our career trajectories since the birth of our child. I feel left behind, he’s eclipsed me. It’s like I’m pouring my life source directly into him, swapping years of my life for his, and sacrificing my finances for his too.

I love my husband, I cherish my husband. I’m proud of what he’s achieved. But it’s hard to look at him without thinking, “I wish that was me”. Because while we both deserve to have our dreams come true, only one of us gets to.

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