Everything Ilana Glazer Loves About Long Island

Hi, I'm Ilana Glazer, and today I'm gonna show you

some things I love about Long Island.

We are going to discuss some iconic landmarks,

colorful slang, and lovable Long Islanders.

[cheerful music]

Okay, I'm gonna take you through some places I love

where I grew up.

[paper crackling]

What if I rip it? What if I rip it off dramatically?

[paper crackling]

Long Island is only two counties,

and that's Nassau County and Suffolk County, and it's huge.

It takes like three and a half hours, pretty much,

to get from one end to the other.

So I grew up in St. James, which is,

oh, Smithtown Bay, oh my gosh., Smithtown.

Suffolk County North Shore, ooh, okay,

so we have our general store in St. James.

I think this is the oldest business on Long Island,

the St. James General Store.

And it's like the truth that comes with is dark and deep.

I don't know if it's haunted.

I would certainly believe it.

But it's just cute.

It's like creaky and it's got, you know, puzzles

and candy and whatever.

It's cute, if you can hold the complexities

of what it means.

One of my favorite spots is the David Weld's Preserve.

First you go through this field

and there's like sort of wild grasses

and like little bunnies, like,

trying to not get caught having sex or whatever.

And then there's like birds and cranes,

and then you get to the very, like, foresty part,

and it's just like really enchanting

and the trees are so tall,

and you start to hear the water.

I was a teenager just like going to this place,

taking a slow walk through all the seasons,

walking through the David Weld's Preserve,

and it's just totally beautiful.

Oh my God, there's literally like a cartoon Pixar monster

that washed ashore.

It's bonkers. It looked so fake and sensational.

It seemed as though it was like planted there

to make people think something was happening.

But I think the science experiments

are, like, leaking into the water and making monsters,

perhaps of the humans as well.

Briermere Farms, the thing I love about Riverhead

is like you just drive along this road

and there's like farm after farm,

and you're like, Well, I get my pie at Briermere,

and then I get my blackberries at this,

but you know what I mean, like you pick,

like, the fruit up here and the veggies up here.

And then when I'm in Brooklyn, I'm like,

Oh yeah, Satur Farms, I'm buying this, like,

sort of plastic container of spinach.

But then when you go there, it's like right there.

They just picked it, you know what I mean?

And I remember that spinach has a taste

when I'm out there, like so motivating to eat a damn salad,

you know, it's not just like a cow chewing cud.

It's like a delicious, deep umami, earthy experience,

spinach, you know?

[cheerful music]

if you come to New York or you come to Long Island,

here are some slang terms you may wanna know.

Okay, dead ass. Dead ass.

You know, my high school boyfriend

used to say, Dead tits. [laughing]

I don't know where he got that variation.

I think from within.

Dead ass is seriously, truly dead ass.

Oh, schlep. Well, schlep is a Yiddish term.

S-C-H, schlep, and it means

to like haul ass around exhaustingly.

Ugh, schlepping over here, schlepping over there.

That's, to me, New York City is a fucking schlep.

And to drive from point A to B on Long Island

is always schlepping.

Okay, brick. I have no idea what this means.

Apparently it means extremely cold,

which is happening less and less on Long Island these days,

so not a clue about brick, extremely cold.

I'm 37, if that gives you context,

and we'll see what I know and what I don't know.

OD, OD is like you're going too hard on this thing.

You're going extra, extra. Chill out.

She OD, yeah.

In slang, it just means like a little bit much,

going OD, chill out.

Respectfully, this is before someone

says something disrespectful.

Respectfully, I fucking hate your sister.

You know what I mean, like that kinda shit.

I'm respectfully fully disagreeing and insulting you.

Respectfully, insert disrespectful comment thereafter.

It's chivalrous before two men

lose their minds on each other.

I love that. I love that.

Let them go.

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Mariah Carey, love Mariah Carey.

She is just, oh God, she maintains

such a sense of humor her whole life.

I love Mariah Carey,

and also for her to be like pigeonholed

into this almost teen sex symbol, you know, so talented,

holding it down in the music industry

when God knows what the hell was going on.

And she just stays so funny about herself.

She is serving, very good Long Islander.

Harbor Fields High School, they're really proud.

Has a really enthusiastic mom.

Proud mama, I love it.

Kevin James, of course I know Kevin James

is from Long Island,

and I screamed it in his face the first time I met him

backstage at Jimmy Fallon's show.

The first time I kissed someone, it was like OD,

it was certainly OD 'cause it was like I was like so ready

to have any sexual experience,

but it was like a makeout for an hour.

And I was watching Kevin James' special on Comedy Central.

And this is the thing I told him when I first met him,

and he was confused, didn't know how he was allowed

to react, which I actually appreciate.

And he makes me laugh.

Yeah, Edie Falco, just love her,

serving Long Island mafia, like so hard.

The town I grew up in has like a lot of mafia in it,

you know what I mean?

I would be at sleepovers,

particularly one sleepover I remember,

and being like, I think this family is in the mafia.

And they were.

I just appreciated like, oh God, she made that look,

you know what I mean, like Julia Fox

is chasing Edie Falco 20 years ago.

I love it.

Nurse Jackie held it down, layered, scary, honestly.

Now I'm scared, oh, Rosie O'Donnell.

Yes, Rosie O'Donnell just did some, like, organizing

and activism with me, and I really appreciated it.

And I was just like, You've been my hero.

I read your biography when I was in seventh grade

and made a book report about you.

And she was always a champion for children

and remains a champion for children,

queer women, powerful, like what a fucking platform.

Rosie walked so Ellen could run, you know what I mean?

Like, oh man, a funny bitch.

Flintstones, remember that shit? What?

The Long Island Medium, I mean, I don't know,

but she's very funny,

and it's almost like, remember the Kate Goslin haircut

and then Kate Goslin haircut did acid or something,

like that's a French manicure, you know what I mean?

Like which France?

I don't even mean to like razz.

I'm like genuinely confused.

I love her confidence, I'll tell you that much.

Look at that hand on that hip.

And she's like screaming, singing.

I don't know what's going on, but big heart.

Thank you so much, Conde Nast Traveler,

for taking interest in Long Island, finally.

I hope you had as much fun as I did.

And before I forget,

you gotta go see my new movie, Babes, in theaters now.

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