Is solo dating the most romantic act of all?

A few years ago, during a transition between jobs, I decided to go on my first (and, so far, only) solo holiday. I spent a long, very relaxing, weekend in Venice, reading in cafes, visiting exhibitions, and wandering around the city listening to music. Then, when I came home, I felt imbued with a newfound confidence to do other things alone, too. I’d go solo to the theatre, take myself out for lunch, and sign up for workshops or talks. The more I did it, the more self-assured and in touch with myself I became. And, yes, I know this all sounds very smug, but whatever! It’s true!

Now this concept of solo dating is taking off on TikTok. The #solodate hashtag currently has over 200 million views, with each video waxing lyrical about the benefits of taking yourself out. “This is your sign to go on a solo date”, read several video captions; “A solo date is good for the soul”, reads another; and another, “Solo dates, best dates”. The videos tend to follow the same pattern – the poster takes us with them on their solo day out, filming their visit to the cinema, a market, an exhibition, a library, or out for dinner. Sometimes the videos are accompanied by music, and other times, they’re overlaid with ruminative narration, like: “The only way to get to know yourself is to spend time alone and figure out what you actually like.”

The trend is part of the internet’s continued focus on self-care more broadly, but is also running parallel to TikTok’s boom in interest in Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way, which encourages artists to go on solo ‘artist dates’ to enhance or reignite their creativity. While artist dates supposedly “replenish our inner well of images and inspiration”, the idea could be that solo dates more generally replenish our inner well of self.

“We can all learn something from treating ourselves as an important relationship in our lives,” says sociologist and psychosexual psychotherapist Jordan Dixon. “Dedicated romantic time with ourselves can potentially help us to cultivate a more compassionate witness within ourselves and befriend ourselves.”

Dixon believes solo dates are a reaction to the rise of TikTok therapy and renewed online interest in attachment theory. As more people begin to unpack how their own attachment style – whether anxious, avoidant, or disorganised – impacts their reliance on or relationships with others, they’ve started working to become more secure within themselves. Spending time alone – and thus feeling more comfortable by themselves – is a good starting point to achieve this. “As we learn to accept and understand ourselves at the deeper levels, we can begin to accept people as they are, rather than project onto them what we need or what we think they are,” continues Dixon.

This is exactly why 22-year-old Tamanna Kaur from Derby started incorporating solo dates – which she calls her “own form of meditation” – into her schedule. In 2021, she made a New Year’s resolution to spend the year single. “I wanted to take the time to get to know myself first and feel comfortable with my authenticity,” she tells British GQ. “This way, I wouldn’t settle in relationships or compromise who I was for somebody again.” 

Kaur goes on a ‘mini solo date’ once a week – which might be watching the sunset alone – and a date day once a month – which incorporates multiple activities. During all of these times, Kaur avoids her phone. “I have to be completely present with myself because I don’t get the opportunity to otherwise,” she adds. “It’s my chance to switch off from all my other daily responsibilities and check in with myself. Afterwards, I always feel very happy, loved, and spoiled.”

When you look at the #solodate hashtag on TikTok, most of the videos are shared by women, who have also been at the forefront of the self-care movement more broadly. “I think that’s because most men express self-care in other ways, for example playing video games,” says 25-year-old Collins Alfred from Bournemouth, who recently shared a video of himself going on a solo date to the cinema. “It may not be broadcasted a lot among men because some may deem it less masculine, but I don’t see it as that. There’s nothing more powerful than someone who’s okay being by themselves.”

Alfred doesn’t have his solo dates scheduled as strictly as Kaur, but he does try to do one at least once every couple of months; he tends to use them as a way of blowing off steam from his usually busy schedule. “It feels good having quality time with myself,” he explains. “It prevents me from burning out and gives me a chance to unwind.”

For 29-year-old Steven Mckell, who recently moved to Lincoln, his biweekly solo dates have worked as great motivation to explore a new city. His dates tend to consist of the cinema or eating out – but he’s planning a solo date to a rage room, where he’ll “have some food, listen to music, and destroy thing. Not because I’m angry,” he adds, “but because I think that’s a perfect date for one!”

The dates have an added benefit for Mckell, who says he sometimes struggles being around other people. “I’m more of a home-body, which means it can be difficult to get myself out of the house, so this is the ultimate self-care to me,” he says. “We spend so much time [worrying about] other people that we tend to neglect ourselves. Solo dates allow you to make an effort for yourself and your own happiness and mental health.”

This focus on investment in the self is a sea change from putting all our stock in romantic relationships, which has historically been encouraged by the media and society more broadly. “Perhaps rather than restricting romance to ‘romantic relationships’ it can be useful for us to expand our understanding of what we mean by romance,” suggests Dixon. “That expansion can include solo romance as an equally legitimate form as romance with other people.”

Self-love is difficult to master, and will likely require work beyond a regularly-scheduled solo date – but learning to enjoy your own company and indulge yourself in the occasional hedonistic day will at least set you on the right path. And, even if you don't quite love yourself at the end, at least you can gloat about having done it.