What are the most common dilemmas in delivering feedback to a coachee who is also a friend or colleague?

Frame your feedback using an ordinal (0-100) perspective. Avoid ordinal conclusions. For example, "I think your employees don't trust you" is a binary statement: trust/no trust. Based on my conversation with 10 of your subordinates, two out of ten said they felt comfortable coming to you with confidential matters. And eight either would not discuss the matter or said they feared you would not respect their confidentiality.

The SBI Model is unique and one I use all the time. It helps ensure I'm coaching a behavior. For example, the situation may be “the team doesn't feel the person is a team player.” I would ask myself what behaviors are causing the team to feel that way. Behaviors could be that the person doesn't offer to help others out or they are late every day. You identify the impacts...team morale may be low, or there’s a lack of trust. When you lay it out this way, it makes it factual and helps remove the emotion. It also ensures you are coaching to the actual behavior change that is needed.

Your feedback needs to serve the person you are giving it the to. Different circumstances require you to adapt your communication but already approaching it with intention makes a difference.

The coach's goal is always to create a space where the client feels supported. Support includes having the courage to challenge the client's assumptions about their situation and stories they create. This is not at odds with empathy, but relies on the fundamental underpinnings of 1) asking for the client's permission to share an observation, 2) providing information in service of them achieving their goals (not unrelated feedback), and 3) providing the observation without judgement.

It is important to create containers for a healthy coaching relationship. When you are coaching you both need to be aware of what that looks like and entails. You will be challenging their thinking and will not be showing up as their "friend" during these conversations. It will also be important that when you are outside of coaching you are not trying to coach them or it could change the nature of your relationship. You need to create a space for them to show up without bias

I cover expectations of roles and relationships in my chemistry/discovery calls with potential clients before they sign a coaching agreement, and also have language written into the formal coaching agreement that goes into more detail about those expectations. For internal coaching, even if your clients aren't signing a contract, there should be a written document that sets forth the expectations about the roles, responsibilities and rights of each party involved, including the the nature and limits of confidentiality, how information is exchanged, who is driving the engagement and what it's purpose is, what conflicts of interest may exist, etc.

You should be ready to lose a friend or upset a colleague if you really care to give feedback. That doesn't mean you've to stop being honest with them and keep sugarcoating. Radical candor - care personally and challenge directly. No insincerity, No aggression. Just empathy and candor. Easier said than done. But who said the right things are easy in the first place? It is a choice between being right vs. doing the easy thing. And it is YOUR choice.

Being assertive and trying to persuade the client to accept and act on feedback is antithetical to the purpose of coaching. It implies that the coach has made a judgement about what's right or wrong for the client instead of giving the client agency to decide for themselves. The purpose of the coach is to help the client see different perspectives and make conscious choices about what works best for them. Others useful models to help a client digest feedback include the Johari Window, the 3R (Receive, Reflect, Respond) model, the SARA (Shock, Anger, Rejection, Acceptance) model, the CLEAR Model (Contracting, Listening, Exploring, Action, Review) model, Non-Violent Communication model, etc. Again, choose one that works for your client.

In a coaching relationship, especially when sensitive dynamics are at play, it's paramount to ensure the coachee feels that you are devoid of judgment. How can this be achieved? By: 1.Practicing Active Listening: Truly hear what the coachee is saying, allowing them to fully express themselves before offering feedback or advice. 2. Expressing Empathy: Understand that individuals may lack certain skills or knowledge. Approach them with kindness and patience, showing that you recognize their challenges and are there to support, not criticize. 3. Empathizing through Experience: Stepping into their shoes is invaluable. Share relevant experiences that can resonate with them, illustrating that you comprehend their feelings and situations.

Coaching can be a vulnerable experience for individuals who seek it. It requires a safe and neutral environment where coachees can reflect on their experiences and gain new insights. However, there may be situations where it is not ethical for a friend or colleague to step into a coaching role. This is because pre-existing relationships can interfere with the neutrality required in coaching, which can impact the quality of the engagement. Therefore, it is essential to ensure that the ethics of coaching are respected to create a trustworthy and respectful relationship between the coach and coachee.

I was working with a friend as their executive coach and one time I responded to their text as a coach and my friend got upset. I assumed they were talking to me as a coaching - coachee relationship. It is important to be clear and establish clear agreements when you are responding or stepping in as a coach. I now ask "do you want me to respond as your friend or your coach in this situation" if it is outside of our coaching sessions.

One of the most powerful things about a dual relationship like this is you have a unique ability to speak into your client’s situation. However, this can be a double-edged sword and it would be wise to design your alliance so you don’t stray beyond professional boundaries. It would not be unreasonable to suggest they seek a different mentor or coach so you can avoid the pitfalls of a dual relationship and protect the friendship or prior relationship.

As with the medical profession, it's not ethically sound to coach your friends and family because there are inherent conflicts of interest. It also does a disservice to the client because the expectations of when you are and are not acting as a coach are unclear. When it comes to coworkers, section 4 of the ICF Code of Ethics covers this and links closely with other sections of the Code of Ethics: When working as an Internal Coach, manage conflicts of interest or potential conflicts of interest with my coaching Clients and Sponsor(s) through coaching agreement(s) and ongoing dialogue. This should include addressing organizational roles, responsibilities, relationships, records, confidentiality and other reporting requirements.