Stewart Faulkner, OLY’s Post

𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐬𝐚𝐲 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐩𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐭 𝐚 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐭 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐞, 3 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐩𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 ….   I wasn’t going to do a post today but was inspired by a discussion with someone I greatly admire and respect. They diligently reminded me of this post title, upon hearing a speech at an event that I did where I spoke about dealing with toxic people and setting boundaries etc.. When giving a speech there are time limits and perhaps I didn’t get the opportunity to articulate fully, my bad,  so I’ll do it here and ensure I cover this point in future! So a BIG Thank You – you know who you are! I'm always open to learning and being more articulate in my speaking🙏 It's so true that self-reflection is crucial in any relationship - none of us are perfect! However,  for me, recognising toxic behaviours isn't about assigning blame or avoiding our own growth. It's about protecting your mental health and overall well-being. 𝐍𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐧 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐚 𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐮𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐜𝐫𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐠𝐮𝐢𝐬𝐞, 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐢𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐞𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐞 𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐭 𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭. It’s especially hard if it’s a family member, someone you once loved and trusted! 𝐈𝐟 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐥𝐲 disregards your boundaries, manipulates or harms you and/or others emotionally, I don’t believe it's not about pointing fingers. In my humble opinion, it's about acknowledging reality and choosing to prioritise your own emotional safety. 𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘯 𝘦𝘯𝘷𝘪𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘷𝘢𝘭𝘶𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸𝘭𝘦𝘥𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰𝘹𝘪𝘤 𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘯𝘴 - whether they manifest as manipulation, deceit or other harmful actions - enables you to create boundaries that protect your peace. By taking steps to address toxicity, you are actively choosing self-care and fostering healthier relationships and environments that support your growth and happiness. So, in certain circumstances, hearing "three fingers pointing back at you" can perhaps feel invalidating and dismissive, especially after enduring manipulation and lies, especially if the facts behind the events are unknown. It overlooks the harm you've experienced and shifts focus away from accountability for the toxic behaviour. I’ve personally done a LOT of work on this topic to heal from toxicity and would encourage everyone to do the same. So yes, for our own personal growth, we should always be aware when we “point a finger” that there are “3 fingers pointing back at us”, but I do not believe it necessarily applies in every situation. 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐝𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤?

When Ghosting Becomes a Necessary Act of Self-Care In the realm of interpersonal relationships, the concept of "#ghosting" has sparked a myriad of discussions, often accompanied by a range of emotions. As a psychotherapist, I recognize the complexity of these situations and the ethical considerations involved. Let's delve into when it might be deemed acceptable to employ this controversial approach, supported by insights from authoritative psychologists. In the field of psychology, the importance of establishing and maintaining healthy #boundaries is a cornerstone of mental well-being. Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, renowned psychologists, emphasize the significance of setting limits to protect oneself from harm. Ghosting, in specific circumstances, can be seen as a protective measure against emotional #abuse. When Ghosting Becomes a Valid Option: In instances where a relationship turns #toxic, characterized by manipulation, exploitation, or emotional abuse, preserving one's mental health becomes paramount. Dr. Susan Forward, a prominent therapist, emphasizes the need to disengage from relationships that deplete emotional resources and hinder personal growth. Ghosting, in these cases, may serve as a legitimate strategy to break free from the cycle of negativity. Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps, a respected psychologist, highlights the risks of maintaining connections with toxic individuals. The constant exposure to negativity can have profound effects on mental and emotional well-being, leading to feelings of depletion, sadness, fear, anger, and overall negativity. Recognizing the impact of such dynamics is crucial in making informed decisions about how to navigate these challenging situations. When Ghosting is Not Justified: While acknowledging the potential validity of ghosting in certain circumstances, it's essential to underscore that it is not a one-size-fits-all solution. Clear #communication and mutual respect should be prioritized in healthier relationships. Dr. John Gottman's research on relationship dynamics emphasizes the importance of open dialogue and understanding, even in times of #conflict. Thoughts?

SHOULD I EXPRESS OR CONCEAL MY EMOTIONS? Over the last few decades, in many forums, commentators and therapists have recommended that people should express, rather than suppress or conceal, their emotions and feelings. To illustrate - people who conceal unflattering information about themselves, such as their anxiety, are more likely to feel dissatisfied and unfulfilled the next day (Uysal et al., 2009) - similarly, individuals who suppress unpleasant emotions may be more inclined to experience these feelings later, but even more intensely than before. However, some people who disclose their feelings—especially feelings of stress—tend to annoy and aggravate other people (Rodell et al., 2024). That is, some people often inform their colleagues about their excessive workload and the intense stress they are experiencing, sometimes called stress bragging. These individuals - tend to be perceived as unlikeable and incompetent, - foster a work culture in which people feel compelled to work longer hours, evoking stress in colleagues as well. Instead, people at work should attempt to practice humble disclosure—disclosure that epitomises the features of humility.  To achieve this goal, consider the recommendations in this infograph. #humility #nomorenarcissism #nomoreentitlement REFERENCES Rodell, J. B., Shanklin, B. C., & Frank, E. L. (2024). “I'm so stressed!”: The relational consequences of stress bragging. Personnel Psychology. Uysal, A., Lin, H. L., & Knee, C. R. (2009). The role of need satisfaction in self concealment and wellbeing. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 36, 187-199.

Breaking Free from Toxic Relationship Habits As we continue our theme for June, "Relationships and Connection," today we discuss an essential topic: recognising and addressing toxic relationship patterns. Toxic relationships can sneak up on us. They often start subtly, with minor discomforts or uneasy feelings, which we simply brush aside. However, recognising these patterns early is crucial for our emotional well-being. Here is a list of toxic patterns I have put together through my experiences: 1. Constant Criticism: Constructive feedback is healthy, but constant negativity can erode your self-esteem. If someone always finds faults in you, it’s a red flag. 2. Manipulation: If you’re often guilt-tripped or your feelings are dismissed, this is manipulation. Healthy relationships respect and value your emotions. 3. Lack of Support: Relationships should be a two-way street. If you feel like you’re always giving but never receiving support, it’s time to reassess. 4. Control Issues: Your partner or friend should not control your actions, choices, or relationships with others. Independence is vital for a healthy connection. 5. Blame Game: In toxic dynamics, one party often avoids accountability and places blame on the other, creating a cycle of guilt and resentment. Have I missed any? Drop them in the comments below. Recognising these patterns is the first step toward healing. Addressing them requires open communication and setting boundaries. It’s okay to seek help from a professional to navigate these conversations. Remember, you deserve relationships that uplift and inspire you. Let’s prioritise our mental health and foster connections that bring joy and growth. 💖 What steps will you take today to nurture healthier relationships in your life? #PictureYourPurpose #LifeCoaching #RelationshipsAndConnection #MentalHealthMatters #LifeCoachTips #HealthyRelationships #SurvivingtoThriving

We all encounter challenges with coworkers, and unfortunately, some of them can be quite toxic. The biggest problem with dealing with assholes is that they always seem to push your buttons. When a coworker steals your reports or tells your boss you might have a substance abuse problem, what can you do? Xavier Crement, in his book "The Asshole," offers strategies for dealing with such individuals. Here's a summary of some of his advice: ◼Understanding the Challenge: Dealing with toxic individuals is a common workplace issue. Crement delves deep into this topic, offering insights into the behaviors and motivations of these individuals. ◼Strategies for Coping: ▪️ Awareness and Acceptance: - Identify Behaviors: Begin by closely observing the toxic individual's actions. Are their behaviors repetitive or part of a larger pattern? - Accept Reality: Recognizing that you cannot change someone else's behavior is a crucial first step. ▪️ Self-Protection: - Document Everything: Keep a record of all incidents, including dates, times, and witnesses. This documentation can be valuable if you need to escalate the issue. - Limit Interactions: Minimize contact with the toxic individual. Avoid unnecessary meetings or conversations. - Strengthen Positive Relationships: Foster strong connections with supportive colleagues. ▪️Effective Communication: - Direct Conversation (Cautiously): If appropriate, have a private and calm conversation with the individual. Express how their behavior is affecting you and ask them to stop. - Indirect Communication: If direct communication fails, consider involving a neutral third party, such as your supervisor. - Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate which behaviors you will and will not tolerate. ▪️Shift Your Perspective: - Focus on Yourself: Instead of trying to change the other person, focus on improving your own well-being. - Boost Your Confidence: Building self-confidence can help you become less susceptible to the toxic individual's influence. ▪️Seek Professional Help: - If the situation is significantly impacting your mental health, consider consulting a therapist or counselor. ◼Key Takeaways: + Patience: Dealing with toxic people requires patience. Change takes time. + Flexibility: Be prepared to adjust your strategies as needed. + Self-Care: Prioritize your well-being. Engage in activities that promote relaxation and stress relief. ◼By following these guidelines and drawing on the insights from "The Asshole," you can better equip yourself to navigate challenging workplace interactions and protect your emotional well-being. - Azadeh Jalalvand - #Azadeh_Jalalvand * Internet photo, Unknown artist

The Highly Sensitive Person's Guide to Dealing with Toxic People by Shahida Arabi is a practical and empowering resource for individuals who identify as highly sensitive. The book offers strategies to recognize, manage, and heal from toxic relationships, helping sensitive individuals protect their emotional well-being. The book serves as an essential read for those seeking to navigate challenging relationships while fostering personal growth and resilience. Here are key insights from the book: 1. Recognizing manipulative behaviors is essential for highly sensitive persons (HSPs) who often attract toxic individuals due to their empathy. Manipulative tactics like gaslighting or love bombing exploit an HSP’s nature, causing self-doubt and emotional turmoil. Identifying these behaviors early helps HSPs avoid falling into destructive patterns and regain control over their interactions. 2. Understanding toxic archetypes equips HSPs with the tools to manage different types of toxic people. Shahida Arabi classifies toxic individuals into categories such as narcissists, who demand admiration, and emotional vampires, who drain energy with their constant needs. Tailored strategies for each type enable HSPs to protect themselves without sacrificing their well-being. 3. Setting and maintaining boundaries is a key survival skill for HSPs. Clear and firm boundaries, like limiting time spent with toxic individuals or refusing to engage in draining behaviors, empower HSPs to prioritize their emotional health. Following through consistently reinforces these boundaries. 4. Practicing assertive communication allows HSPs to express their needs effectively. This involves being direct and honest without aggression or guilt. For example, using “I” statements ensures that communication remains respectful while maintaining control over the situation. 5. The CLEAR UP method offers a structured approach to addressing moderate toxicity. This strategy involves identifying the issue, expressing gratitude for any positive aspects of the relationship, and calmly asserting one’s boundaries. It fosters healthier communication while protecting an HSP’s energy and emotional space. 6. Healing from trauma bonding is critical for those trapped in cycles of toxic relationships. Trauma bonds often develop through alternating phases of kindness and cruelty, creating dependency through neurochemical highs and lows. Breaking free requires awareness of the addictive nature of these bonds and support from therapy or nurturing relationships. 7. Emotional regulation helps HSPs remain calm and grounded in the face of provocation. Toxic individuals thrive on eliciting emotional reactions, but mindfulness practices such as deep breathing or meditation empower HSPs to maintain control and respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.

"The Highly Sensitive Person's Guide to Dealing with Toxic People" by Shahida Arabi offers valuable insights and strategies for individuals who identify as highly sensitive and struggle with navigating toxic relationships and environments. Here are some key lessons from the book 1. Recognize Your Sensitivity: Arabi emphasizes the importance of recognizing and accepting your sensitivity as a valid and natural part of who you are. Understanding your sensitivity can help you better understand your reactions to toxic people and environments. 2. Set Boundaries: Establishing clear and healthy boundaries is essential for protecting yourself from toxic people. Arabi provides practical tips and techniques for setting boundaries assertively and effectively, including learning to say no and prioritizing self-care. 3. Identify Toxic Behaviors: Arabi helps readers identify common toxic behaviors, such as manipulation, gaslighting, and narcissistic abuse, and understand how these behaviors impact highly sensitive individuals. 4. Trust Your Intuition: Highly sensitive individuals often have a heightened intuition or gut feeling about people and situations. Arabi encourages readers to trust their intuition and listen to their inner voice when it signals that something is wrong or unhealthy. 5. Practice Self-Compassion: Arabi emphasizes the importance of practicing self-compassion and self-love, especially for highly sensitive individuals who may be more susceptible to self-criticism and negative self-talk. 6. Develop Coping Strategies: Arabi offers a range of coping strategies and self-care practices specifically tailored to highly sensitive individuals, such as mindfulness, journaling, and creative expression. 7. Seek Support: Arabi encourages readers to seek support from trusted friends, family members, or mental health professionals who understand and validate their sensitivity. Having a support system can provide validation, empathy, and practical assistance in dealing with toxic people. 8. Practice Detachment: Arabi advises readers to practice detachment from toxic people and situations whenever possible. This may involve setting physical or emotional distance, limiting contact, or disengaging from toxic dynamics altogether. 9. Focus on What You Can Control: Arabi reminds readers to focus on what they can control in toxic situations, such as their own reactions, behaviors, and boundaries, rather than trying to change or fix the toxic person. 10. Know When to Walk Away: Ultimately, Arabi emphasizes that it's okay to walk away from toxic relationships or environments if they consistently undermine your well-being and happiness. By applying these lessons and strategies from "The Highly Sensitive Person's Guide to Dealing with Toxic People," highly sensitive individuals can learn to navigate toxic relationships and environments with greater resilience, self-awareness, and self-compassion.

It is in our best mental interest to share our problems and experiences only with people who are not in the habit of criticizing us. .......... Sharing our problems and experiences with others can be a therapeutic and beneficial way to process our emotions and gain new perspectives. However, it's crucial to choose the right people to confide in, as you've pointed out. When we share our struggles with someone who is habitually critical, it can lead to feelings of defensiveness, anxiety, and even shame. Criticism can be damaging to our mental health, eroding our self-esteem and confidence. On the other hand, sharing with someone who is supportive, empathetic, and non-judgmental can be incredibly helpful. Here are some reasons why it's essential to choose the right people to share our problems with: 1. **Safe space**: Sharing with someone who is not critical creates a safe space for us to express ourselves without fear of judgment or rejection. 2. **Emotional validation**: A supportive listener can validate our emotions, helping us feel heard and understood. 3. **Constructive feedback**: A non-critical person can offer constructive feedback and suggestions, which can help us gain new insights and perspectives. 4. **Reduced stress**: Sharing with someone who is supportive can help reduce stress and anxiety, as we feel like we have someone to rely on. 5. **Increased self-esteem**: When we share with someone who is encouraging and supportive, it can boost our self-esteem and confidence. So, how can we identify people who are not in the habit of criticizing us? Here are some tips: 1. **Pay attention to their behavior**: Observe how they respond to others when they share their problems or struggles. 2. **Look for active listening**: Do they actively listen to what you have to say, or do they interrupt or dismiss your concerns? 3. **Notice their tone**: Is their tone supportive and empathetic, or critical and judgmental? 4. **Assess their feedback**: Do they offer constructive feedback that is helpful and specific, or do they criticize without offering solutions? 5. **Trust your instincts**: If you feel like someone is not supportive or critical, trust your instincts and limit your sharing with them. By choosing to share our problems and experiences with people who are supportive and non-critical, we can create a safe and nurturing environment that promotes mental well-being and growth.

Research by the American Psychiatric Association highlights that narcissistic individuals often have an inflated sense of self-importance and a constant craving for admiration. They typically expect special treatment and lose interest when the spotlight shifts away from them. A study published in Personality and Social Psychology Review (2018) emphasises that a narcissist’s satisfaction is short-lived. Their pleasure depends on external validation, making it difficult to keep them engaged. For instance, a narcissistic boss might praise your performance one day but grow critical if you fail to continuously meet their shifting expectations. Imagine a team leader who lauds your creativity during a project. Yet, as soon as your contributions no longer serve their needs, their attitude changes, leaving you feeling undervalued. Or consider a colleague who eagerly engages when they need a favor but becomes distant once their goals are achieved. When you realise that your efforts have no lasting impact and that someone’s approval is conditional, it’s a warning sign. Trying to satisfy a narcissistic person can feel like attempting to drink the ocean with a teaspoon. Prioritise your emotional #wellbeing, establish boundaries, and know when to disengage from toxic dynamics. Taking care of your wellbeing isn’t just self-care; it’s essential for emotional stability and long-term happiness. How do you manage interactions with difficult people in your #professional or #personal life? I would love to hear your strategies, drop a comment below! 

Herkenbaar? "The Burnout Society by Byung-Chul Han Here are ten key lessons and insights from the book: 1. The Rise of Burnout Culture: Han identifies burnout as a defining feature of contemporary society, where individuals are overwhelmed by the demands of productivity and achievement. He argues that the pressure to constantly perform and improve leads to mental and physical exhaustion. 2. Shift from Discipline to Achievement: The author contrasts the disciplinary society of the past, characterized by rules and external control, with today's achievement-oriented society that emphasizes self-optimization and personal success. This shift has led to increased competition and pressure to excel individually, contributing to burnout. 3. Hyper-Individualism: Han highlights the rise of hyper-individualism, where individuals are seen as solely responsible for their successes and failures. This mindset fosters isolation and discourages community, as people feel pressured to navigate their struggles alone, exacerbating feelings of burnout. 4. The Impact of Digital Technology: The book explores how digital technology and social media exacerbate burnout by creating an "always-on" culture. Constant connectivity leads to an overload of information and expectations, making it difficult for individuals to disconnect and recharge. 5. Obligation to Perform: Han discusses the societal expectation to constantly perform at high levels, which can lead to a sense of obligation and guilt when individuals cannot meet these demands. This pressure fosters a cycle of self-exploitation, where individuals push themselves beyond their limits. 6. The Illusion of Freedom: The author argues that the contemporary emphasis on choice and freedom is often an illusion. While individuals are presented with numerous options, they can feel trapped by the burden of making the "right" choices, leading to anxiety and burnout. 7. Neglect of Rest and Reflection: Han emphasizes the importance of rest and reflection for mental and emotional well-being. In a culture that glorifies busyness and productivity, the need for downtime is often overlooked, contributing to a lack of recovery and increased burnout. 8. Community and Solidarity: The book advocates for the importance of fostering community and solidarity as antidotes to burnout. By building supportive relationships and connections, individuals can share their burdens and alleviate feelings of isolation and pressure. 9. Reclaiming Slowness: Han calls for a cultural shift toward embracing slowness and mindfulness. By resisting the compulsion for constant activity and achievement, individuals can cultivate a deeper sense of presence and fulfillment in their lives. 10. A New Understanding of Success: Finally, Han challenges traditional notions of success defined by productivity and achievement. He encourages a redefinition of success that prioritizes well-being, connection, and meaningful experiences over mere accomplishment."