The 0.1% in every culture master this process

In my very early years of coaching, I learned a powerful lesson about how crucial it is to have a supportive life partner because of a client called Patrick.

He was a talented sales professional who had a rocky marriage because his partner couldn’t handle being married to someone who worked on commission only. She couldn’t stand the uncertainty. Arguments were frequent and ugly. It threw him off his game so much so that he had a hard time focusing on what he was best at. His energy was drained by conflict.

He was always scrambling and a few minutes late for meetings. When I’d check in with his manager about him and the entire team I was coaching, we would spend the bulk of our time talking about Patrick who was struggling the most even though he had the biggest potential and the best network. Eventually Patrick failed out of the profession. I liked him so much and still feel pain telling this story. Since then, I’ve coached people with the same skills, personality, intelligence and likeability as Patrick who make over $1 million a year. It could have been him.

Patrick’s story taught me a hard truth: unresolved conflict doesn’t just create emotional noise—it sabotages your ability to thrive.

But there’s hope. You can learn to reframe these moments, preserve your energy, and focus on the causes that truly light you up.

How can you handle these encounters differently, so your relationships and your business don’t suffer?

It’s what I call the No Road Rage Process:

a)        No road rage

b)        Step down

c)        Choose a cause that lights you up

d)        Forgive yourself when you slip up

1.        “NO ROAD RAGE!”

When triggered, stop yourself from escalating the situation—just as you’d avoid engaging with a reckless driver.

a)        BREATHE, Slow Down and Change Lanes.

Physiologically calm the body a bit. Accept what is. 

b)        Remind Yourself: “It’s Not About You”

The road rager is not thinking about you.

Often, your partner’s frustrations stem from their own struggles. You don’t have to take it personally.

It’s not about you even if you are supposedly the focus of the tirade. It could easily be that you just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time - the proverbial dog to be kicked - the easy person to take the anger out on.

Remind yourself that you cannot control whether someone else is unhappy or frustrated - nor how they express it.

If your partner triggers you for other reasons, e.g., because they compare their life unfavourably to others (and imply it’s your fault), the process is the same.

You can change your response.

This ability is what separates us from animals (well, if we use it!)

c)        Understand anger’s purpose

Anger is often a tool for someone who wants to win and assert their power.

Do not be taken in by someone who wants a power struggle (just like road rage).

Manipulation, negative comparison, criticising, blaming, complaining – these are all negative tools.

d)        Ask with Curiosity: “I see you’re upset. What’s wrong?”

This can diffuse tension, but only if you’re ready to listen without reacting.

2.        Step Down

a)        Apologise. Admit Mistakes. Walk away if needed.

It is not a defeat to do this partly because if you ‘win’, the other person will find a way to exact revenge and matters will often get worse.

b)        No matter how much you might think you’re right, try not to criticise the other party on that basis. If you think you’re right, you step into a power struggle. Take away the competition/winning/losing – then you can correct and change yourself. Focus on your task – what you can control.

c)        Stephen Covey discussed our power to respond in his 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. He described it as a fundamental principle about the nature of being human: “Between stimulus and response, man has the freedom to choose.” Use that power to respond with grace.

He argued that in addition to self-awareness, we have imagination, conscience, and independent will. “But if we live like animals, out of own instincts and conditioning and conditions, out of our collective memory, we too will be limited.” This is what you’re up against.

d)        Because so much of how we react is embedded deeply in our subconscious, it’s another reason why I am compelled to start The Manifesters Club in January to support those who want a much more compelling future and make great things happen.

Did you know your subconscious drives 95% of your actions? That’s why shifting habits, pursuing goals and changing how you react to a triggering partner often feel so hard. It takes time and reps and having others around you on a similar journey makes a big difference.

This is a skill for the 0.1%. Stanford neuroscientist James Doty explains in his book, Magic Mind, “Consciously directing our attention where we choose Is the key to our inner power.” If you’re drained by conflict, you cannot do this.

Message me if you want details about The Manifestors Club.

3. Choose a Cause That Lights You Up

Winning a fight with a loved one is a very temporary, petty, hollow win – just like catching up with a road rager at the next traffic lights. It’s a feeble triumph for your vain, smug ego and you’re lucky not to have been in a bad accident.

Fight causes that elevate you and those around you.

You have more power over your thinking than you think.

a)        Reframe the Moment: It’s not the events but the meaning you give them that matters. The meaning you give something will always determine the outcomes.

How does knowing this help?

You may be familiar with Victor Frankl’s story and/or his powerful book Man’s Search for Meaning. He survived the horrors of the Nazi death camps. What he learned - that you can too - is that even when you are in a really bad place, there is one last human freedom:

b)       You can decide how all of this is going to affect you.

After the war, Frankl wanted to model a way out for those in pain with his (extreme) example. Your situation is nowhere near what he went through but, yes, pain is relative, and I know first-hand that it can feel ugly and very painful at times.

How are future triggering upsets from your partner going to affect you?

Journal about this. It requires you to step away and think this through.

As warped as it may sound at times, if life – if this – is happening FOR you rather than TO you, what positive meaning can you give it?

This is the type of thinking that makes the greats in every culture. It puts you on the path to the 0.1%.

Could life be trying hard to teach you that handling this trigger well is part of your journey to achieving great things? (It will certainly give you more magnetic energy).

Can you react to your road rager by slowing down, changing lanes, and choosing to win in another arena of life where the rewards actually contribute to a fulfilling life?

Can you become the master of your ship and the captain of your fate rather than a puppet to someone else’s emotions. 

4.        Forgive Yourself When You Slip Up

None of us is perfect. If you take the bait, don’t dwell on it.

a)        Prevention: Prepare in advance for predictable triggers.

When my wife returns from a multiple-day work trip, she tends to notice the things around the house that aren’t as organised as when she left it, and she points these things out sometimes before the niceties of just getting a warm welcome back. Since keeping a magazine cover home is not very high on my strengths or priorities, it can be a predictable exchange of marital niceties.

Recognise patterns in your partner’s behaviour and plan your response.

b)        Don’t use your partner to stay unwittingly addicted to a certain negative emotion

These are times when you subconsciously seek out certain conflict to feel a negative feeling you are used to feeling, such as frustration, which an exchange with your partner may provide.

Your strongest negative emotion could be on this list. Examples include: Insecurity, hatred, judgement, victimisation, worry, guilt, depression, shame, anxiety, regret, comparison, suffering, frustration, fear, greed, sadness, disgust, envy, anger, resentment, unworthiness and lack.

I know none of this is easy and I too find it very challenging.

Remember: Your magnetic energy and focus are sacred when aligned with your higher purpose.

Conflict and negativity rob you of these treasures, but with the No Road Rage Process, you can protect them.

The Steps:

a)        No road rage

b)        Step down

c)        Choose a cause that lights you up

d)        Forgive yourself when you slip up

Let this process help you preserve your focus and fight for the causes that truly matter so you can be the person you were born to be.

To fighting noble causes and staying clear of road ragers,

Matt

Copyright Matt Anderson, 2024