The 13 Stages of Human Suffering
By Erik Kikuchi
"We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty. We must start in our own homes to remedy this kind of poverty." - Mother Teresa
Understanding the Source of Loneliness, Anger, and Despair
What does it mean to suffer? For some, suffering can be an obvious outcome of some observable condition. It’s easy to see how those who have been violently abused, live in the depth of poverty, or have experienced horrendous tragedy will suffer.
But what about the suffering that comes from things that aren’t observable? What about those who, by all external measures, have everything good that life has to offer? Do they suffer too?
They do. Having worked with and served hundreds of people from various cultures, educational backgrounds and beliefs, from families living in garbage sites to those who are millionaires, to from those who have been violently abused to those who have had everything given to them, I’ve discovered that what most people see as discrimination, violence, depression are only the outer effects of what is happening far deeper inside.
First of all, I am not a psychologist, but I only share what I’ve studied, experienced, and witnessed in my own life. Even with decades of this I don’t claim to have all the answers, I don’t believe any one person does – but wouldn’t you also agree that the feeling of being unwanted is the most crippling pain of all?
Here are what I have discerned as the thirteen stages of human suffering. You can see that they are not exclusive to any one group of people. Instead, they are common to the human condition.
The Thirteen Stages of Human Suffering
1. Feeling we are not loved, leads to feeling unworthy...
“If I’m not loved, I must not be good enough.”
2. Feeling unworthy lead to separation...
“If I’m not good enough, I should just leave.
3. Separation leads to loneliness...
“They don’t understand? I don’t need them anyway.”
4. Loneliness leads to feeling unloved...
“Maybe I’m alone because I’m not lovable.”
5. Feeling unloved leads to disconnection...
“If I’m unlovable, then I’ll just focus on something safe.”
6. Disconnection creates judgment...
“I’m not the problem, those people are the problem.”
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7. Judgment leads to indifference...
“Its because of their culture, that is why its not my problem.”
8. Indifference leads to isolation...
“If you’re going to be that way, then I’ll just leave.”
9. Isolation leads to fear...
“I am afraid of what will happen if I’m alone -forever.”
10. Fear leads to anger...
“I am so mad at this place, and it’s all their fault!”
11. Anger leads to hatred...
“You’re the reason that I am in this situation and I hate you for it.”
12. Hatred leads to violence...
“I’ll show you I’m somebody!” OR…. I’m so furious!!! I’m going to….
13. Violence leads to extinction...
“An eye for an eye makes everyone blind.” – Gandhi
We all have room to learn, live, and serve with more awareness, compassion, and courage, for suffering - a part of the human condition, happens to us all. We mustn’t just judge people by what we see but understand that we all have the same fears, pains, and needs.
Every fruit hanging from a vine or a tree begins with the roots, and those roots are nurtured by what we feed them. This, for most, is easy to understand. However, the real understanding and change begins with our actions. In the days to come, offer them compassion and empathy when you see someone who displays or says that they don’t need anyone—and makes it difficult to approach or love them. They are the ones that need you the most – as in their core, underneath all that pain – is a little child that needs to know and feel that they are both needed and worthy of being loved.
Written by,
Erik Kikuchi
Whoa... what a great way to unpack a converstation and truely listen to what is underneath the behaviours or perceptions of behaviours. This is true leadership with care. Thank you 𝗘𝗿𝗶𝗸 𝗞𝗶𝗸𝘂𝗰𝗵𝗶 †